The Most Important Caregiving Conversation That You Don’t Want to Have!

Full disclosure here: I don’t like writing about today’s subject, but I’m going to because lately I’ve worked with so many family caregivers who are almost paralyzed by the thought of making plans for end of life. We MUST talk about it, because honestly it’s the most beautiful gift you can give to your loved one. You can adapt this post for anyone in your life, but I’m specifically speaking to caring for our parents.

We Americans are serious planners. We plan for nearly every phase of life. We plan the birth of our children. We register them for preschool when they are just a few months old. We plan where we will live based on schools. We plan and save for college, and on and on—you get the picture, because chances are you’re a planner, too. We plan our careers. Sometimes, we plan whom we will marry. We plan and plan and plan, but few of us plan for the end of our lives and we certainly don’t want to think about the end of a loved one’s life.

As a family caregiver, believe it or not, you have a unique opportunity to make the final walk with your care recipient, one that is filled with dignity, grace and unconditional love. But you have to have a conversation to find out what plans are or are not in place. You also have to find out what your parent’s personal wishes are. This is a time to celebrate and honor a life well lived and you need to know what that looks like. You might be caring astounded to find out that your parents have made no plans for end of life. This seems pretty common. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s the generation. They’ve endured so much and lived through so many things, that they tend to think of themselves as invincible, and in my experience, many of them aren’t very interested in discussing “the end.” Sadly though, without a conversation, families are often ripped apart trying to figure this out.

Since we are such a youth oriented and death denying society, talking about end of life is not anything we’re comfortable with. In fact, we’ll do everything to avoid it. But I’m going to encourage you to do this for you. There is nothing worse than losing a loved one and then being faced with the reality that you have no idea what they wanted.

It’s up to you to broach the subject. Don’t over think it. Don’t run from it. Just set a time to bring it up and then move forward. I recommend saying that you’ve been thinking about getting your own affairs in order and you realized that you didn’t know what they wanted; and because you love and want to honor them, you’d like to know what they have in mind. (Once you get over the initial few minutes, it usually goes pretty smoothly.) I’ve never heard of a senior who doesn’t have an exact idea about what he/she wants!

However, each person is unique in the way this discussion is received. For some, it’s all business and very factual. For others, it’s too emotional to discuss and you need to find your way through the weeds. Be gentle and don’t intrude. If the person is dramatic, play to that. “This is the final moment and all eyes are on you. How do you want the world to see you?” Know your senior. I was caring for a proud World War II veteran and I approached him with military-like questions. I asked him what he didn’t want so we could arrive at what he wanted. He was very clear about what he did not want. I knew that he was unaware that he was entitled to a military burial and, when I asked him about this, he said nothing, but his eyes told the story. A military burial is a most moving experience and it is given to our veterans, provided that you have their discharge papers.

For many seniors, religion and faith have played a key role throughout their lives. Whether you believe or not, this is the one time when you need to honor their religious beliefs. And then there are seniors who did not practice any particular religion, nor did they believe in God. For this person, you can still have a moving ceremony, but you have to first find out what your loved one desires.

Whatever it is that someone wants, you must try to honor it, even if it’s not your choice. This is not your life. Be respectful by listening and acting. If possible, find a way to make it happen. Most seniors want to be celebrated when they leave this earth. Most want friends and family to know of all the richness of their lives. They have earned their place. Most are being freed from illness, dementia, Alzheimer’s, or chronic conditions, and there is joy for them in the release. As difficult as this is for us to come to terms with, they really are at peace.

If the person or persons who will be delivering the eulogy has not already been selected, think about who will give the most rousing and loving send-off. If there are grandchildren, it’s lovely to have them say something—something short, yet heartfelt.

This is your chance to give the final gift. Be resolute in making it happen. 

By Cindy Laverty

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