Taking Stock of Ourselves, Part 2

We're working on "taking stock of ourselves," or as it's written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, conducting "a searching and fearless moral inventory." We are applying the business model to our lives, looking for flaws in our makeup, which cause our failures and shortcomings.

In the 12-step program meetings, certain portions from the AA "big book" are read out loud, discussed and studied. Also read at almost every meeting is part of chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism."

Prefaced by what we covered before in my three previous posts—we're in the grip of a progressive disease ... I can't beat it myself—it simply states: "Here are the methods we have tried (to capture some kind of control): drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever with and without a solemn oath, taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums, we could increase the list ad infinitum."

So, go ahead, send the offenders off to corrections again. Many of them do recover if they "have the capacity to be honest with themselves."

After group counseling, psychiatric sessions, restrictive freedom, seeing a probation officer, we are turned loose on the street again at last, never attempting to be a normal drinker again.

Right! In other words, I would say from what I've learned, the multi-faceted monster of addiction is a physical dependency, a mental obsession and a spiritual malady that somewhere, along the way ends our contact with our Higher Power.

"Countless vain attempts to drink like a gentleman" ... use drugs, gamble, over do anything, it's all the self-centered ego, maybe in the grip of our lower power! It wants what it wants.

The program works because it's an "extreme makeover" body-and-soul edition, a day at a time, getting on with life, not turning back.

Even if there was a pill I could take to make myself a normal drinker again, why would I? God has already given me my happiness and freedom back!

Wait a minute, I'm on the fourth step, writing, this isn't quite as thorough and fearless as I would like to think!

What about some of the fears like not measuring up. Am I afraid to start for the fear of failure? Yes! Procrastination! Coward! No, I will prevail, with my Higher Power, my friends, my family and my program.

And why am I comparing my inner feelings with someone else's outward appearance. That's not a fair assessment! Maybe we need to do a little more "cleaning house" and get some more stuff out.

We're already on the couch, the psychiatrist, our Higher Power, is in the room, and we have the pad and pencil and a clear head. OK, then, what else ... What did my sponsor, a close personal mentor and friend, say when I did an inventory back in the '70s?

What about my mother? Let's run away from that thought! But why? I loved her, didn't I? Did I love anyone? I knew mom and dad loved me. Mom would say she didn't like me. Well, I wasn't very likable. I didn't clean my room. I fought with sisters, etc.

Let's not focus on the guilt, the less-than feeling. Let's not deal with it and get through it and grow from it.

Oh, am I part of the problem? This part of my brain might be broken. I'm not just a nice guy that drank and used drugs too much. The Bible says there are several deadly sins out there—anger, hatred, jealousy, infidelity, what else?

I'd better keep writing. Then on to the rest of the steps.