Arts & Entertainment
Archaeologists Find 2,300-Year-Old Theatre on Cyprus
A satirical look at current events!
Archaeologists Find 2,300-Year-Old Theatre on Cyprus: An Australian archaeological team in Cyprus announced they have uncovered a theatre dating from 300 BC, the oldest structure of its kind yet unearthed on the Mediterranean island. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson has issued a retraction, denying archaeologist’s assumption that the area was a theater, adding that he believes the facility was used by Emperor Demetrios II to store his private stash of baklava. Ironically, after issuing the statement, Carson immediately rose 10 points in the polls.
Man Eats Toilet Paper to Avoid DUI Charges: Police say a 39-year-old Iowa man tried to avoid a drunken-driving arrest by eating toilet paper in an attempt to fool the breathalyzer. The man’s lawyers are asking him to save some of the toilet paper. If he’s convicted, they’ll try and use it to wipe his record clean.
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Chris Christie Demoted to Secondary Debate: Debate sponsor Fox Business Network announced they have demoted Chris Christie down from the main stage at next week’s GOP presidential debate to the undercard debate. How can they do that? Why Chris Christie is literally “twice the man” any of the other candidates are - and possibly even more.
Bernie Sanders Introduces Bill to Legalize Pot in US: Bernie Sanders introduced the Ending Federal Marijuana Prohibition Act in the U.S. Senate—a bill that would legalize the recreational use of Marijuana nationwide. To celebrate, Sanders fans plan to get together and Bern a big fat one.
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UC Merced Stabber Angry Over Study Group: Investigators say the 18-year-old freshman who stabbed four people at the University of California’s Merced campus before he was fatally shot was seeking revenge on his classmates because he was kicked out of a study group. More study-place violence. The question is, will anyone ever be safe again until students finally decide to quit doing their homework? You can bet there’s tons of girls on campus thanking their lucky stars this guy didn’t ask them out on a date.
O.J. Simpson Has Nicole’s Pic Pinned to His Cell Wall: A former prison guard who worked in the prison where O.J. Simpson is locked up said the former NFL star keeps a picture of his slain wife Nicole Brown Simpson pinned to the wall beside his bed. How touching! Wonder if he used a knife to stick her picture to the wall? I assume that the picture he has hanging is her “headshot.”
Man Fatally Stabbed After Taking Last Piece Of Chicken: Police report a Texas man has been charged with murder after fatally stabbing another man when an argument broke out over the last piece of chicken got out of control. Wow, this guy really enjoys chicken. Prosecutors say he’ll probably fry for this. Now the big question remains, if they execute him, will he order chicken for his last meal?
Longest-Serving Flight Attendant Retires After 63 Years: The longest-serving flight attendant in the USA has ended his 63-year career at United will earn him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. You can bet this is one guy who’s seen plenty of ups and downs in his career.
