Politics & Government
Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference
A satirical look at current events!
Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference: The first-ever Flat Earth International Conference, aimed at disputing the idea that the world is round, has just wrapped up in North Carolina. Gee, I was gonna attend, but I never got “around” to it. OK, I really didn’t go because I was flat-broke. Besides, what on Earth do they hope to accomplish anyway? Don’t they know there’s nothing new under the sun? Personally, I think a lot of guys just go to these conferences hoping to meet women by pretending to believe, but the women know its just flattery.
Sausage Roll Instead of Jesus Nativity Scene Causes Stir: UK chain bakery Greggs came under fire for an image of a nativity scene that put a sausage roll amid the three wise men in place of the baby Jesus. The bakery defended the display, pointing out that “at least we can prove the existence of a sausage roll” - adding that “this one is from Jimmy Dean's Finest Reserve.”
Only 10% of Americans Eat Enough Fruits and Vegetables: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), only a sliver (1 in 10) of Americans eat enough fresh fruits and vegetables. The CDC warns that if the trend continues, they may be forced to implement a “no dessert until you eat all the veggies on your plate policy.”
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Ohio Judge Brags About Having Sex With 50 Very Attractive Females: An Ohio Supreme Court justice who is running for governor tried to get ahead of any Al Franken-type allegations of sexual misconduct against him by bragging in detail about his sexual conquests. Yea, let me guess - they were all hookers? But come on, you know he’s lying. Everyone knows there’s not 50 attractive women in Ohio. Especially when they remove their dentures.
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American Heart Association President Suffers Heart Attack: The president of the American Heart Association, cardiologist Dr. John Warner, is reportedly resting comfortably after suffering a minor heart attack during the organization's scientific conference taking place in Anaheim, California. Fortunately for him, when the call went out “is there a doctor in the house?” - everyone in the entire room raised their hands.
Trump to Lift Ban on Importing Elephant Trophies from Africa: The Trump administration has announced that it will lift the ban on elephant trophies from Zambia and Zimbabwe, reversing a 2014 ban under President Obama. Must be Trump’s Christmas gift to his two sons. What I find interesting about Trump lifting the ban is the GOP mascot is the elephant. Now that’s what I call irony - or more accurately - ivory.
Texas Scientists Grow Human Lungs Inside Lab: Scientists in Texas have successfully managed to grow a set of human lungs inside their lab, which they hope will eventually lead to a breakthrough for organ transplant recipients. I find that almost unbelievable. I mean, who could have ever imagined that there are scientists in Texas?
Leonardo da Vinci Painting Sells for Record $450 Million: A painting of Christ by the Renaissance master Leonardo da Vinci, has sold at auction for a record $450 million, obliterating previous records for artworks sold at auction or privately. Wow, that’s one hell of a lot of money - especially when you consider Christ didn’t even pose for it.
Amish Mutation Protects Against Diabetes and May Extend Life: According to a new study, Amish people living in a rural Indiana have a rare genetic mutation that protects them from Type 2 diabetes and appears to significantly extend their life spans. Of course, the down side is - you have to live in rural Indiana - not to mention ride around in horse and buggies in sometimes sub-zero temperatures. Hell, sounds a little like living in North Korea without all the benefits.
Alabama Mall Banned Roy Moore in the ’80s for Pursuing Teens: Former mall employees and local police have told the New Yorker that Alabama Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore was banned from a mall in the early 1980s for repeatedly attempting to pick up teenage girls. In response, talk show host and Moore defender Sean Hannity told his listeners that while Moore may have been trying to pick up underage girls, at least he wasn’t trying to arrange uranium deals with them like Hillary.
Scientists Say Sheep Can Recognize Human Faces: University of Cambridge scientists say sheep can be trained to recognize the faces of different people presented to them in pictures. Lawyers for red states politicians say they’re advising clients not to be overly concerned, in that its very doubtful that the testimony of a sheep would hold up in a court of law.
Study Finds Resveratrol Extends Life of Obese Mice: Researchers found they can extend the life of obese mice by 44% using a drug that mimics resveratrol, the ingredient of red wine believed to activate protective proteins. Which kind of makes you wonder, just how many obese mice have to die before these fat rodents get the resveratrol they so desperately need?
Roger Goodell Wants $50M and Private Jet Use for Life: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly demanding a salary increase from $30 million to $50 million a year, lifetime use of a private jet and lifetime health insurance for him and his family in contract renegotiation talks. Gee, you can’t afford health insurance on a $50 million a year salary?
Trump’s Federal Judicial Nominee Has Never Tried a Case: President Trump’s nominee for a lifetime appointment to a federal judgeship in Alabama has never tried a case in his life and has only been practicing law for three years. Which makes perfect sense, once you consider he was basically appointed to the position by a glorified “game show host.” Once again, Trump continues to hire only the "best" people to fill these positions!
Newly-Discovered Frog Smaller Than a Dime: A Louisiana State University scientist claims to have discovered the smallest known vertebrate species on Earth - a tiny frog so small it is roughly the equivalent size of a dime. That said, scientists say they may occasionally need to adjust the frog’s reported size in order to account for inflation.
Bodyguard Says Russian Offered to Send Trump Five Women: President Trump's former bodyguard Keith Schiller told Congressional investigators that a Russian involved in the 2013 Miss Universe pageant, offered to send five girls to Trump's hotel room. Somebody probably told Schiller that if you allow those women to come up to Trump’s room, it’ll mean urine trouble.
NASA Suspects Supervolcano Under Antarctica Waiting to Erupt: NASA says a mantle plume producing almost as much heat as Yellowstone supervolcano appears to be melting part of West Antarctica from beneath. As a precautionary measure, scientists urge all penguins who have the resources, to consider moving to East Antarctica.
Patagotitan is the New Heavyweight Champion of Dinosaurs: Scientists say a plant-eating behemoth that lived 100 million years ago named Patagotitan has been crowned the new heavyweight champion of dinosaurs - weighing in at a whopping 76 tons, 122 feet long and 20 feet high. What difference does it make? My building has a “no pets policy” anyway.
