Connecticut Pastor Dies After Confessing Infidelity

Connecticut Pastor Dies After Confessing Infidelity: A pastor for a Bridgeport, Connecticut church died of an apparent heart attack shortly after confessing to his congregation that he had committed an act of infidelity. Now that’s what I call “drop-dead honesty.

Ryan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors: After he falsely claimed he and three teammates had been held up by armed robbers at a Rio de Janeiro gas station, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte has been dropped by sponsors Speedo, Ralph Lauren, Airweave and Gentle Hair Removal. On a positive note, the makers of Mad Dog 20/20 and Colt 45 Malt Liquor have generously agreed to pick him up.

Coast Guard Spots SOS in Sand and Rescues Stranded Couple: The U.S. Coast Guard reports it has rescued a couple who were stranded on an uninhabited island in Micronesia after crews saw the giant “SOS” they scribbled in the sand. Well one thing’s for sure, they can now cross “stranded on a deserted island” off their bucket list.

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Maine Gov LePage Leaves Profane Voicemail: Maine’s controversial Republican governor Paul LePage left a long string of profanities on the voicemail of Democratic Rep. Drew Gattine after Gattine implied that LePage’s comments, which laid all the blame for illegal drugs in the state of Maine on black people, was racist. Coming to his defense, supporters of the governor say he was a committed racist long before Donald Trump made it cool again.

Jim Bakker Claims People Out to Kill Him Because He Believes Bible: Televangelist Jim Bakker recently told his audience that people are trying to kill him because he believes in the Bible. Gee, I think you may have that backwards Jim, I believe its you who’ve been making a killing off the Bible.

Study Finds Trump Supporters Frequently Think About Death: A new study found that the more people think about death - the more likely they’ll be voting for Trump. On the other hand, the more I think about the possibility Trump might actually get elected, the more I think death might not be so bad after all.

Study Finds Older People Are Happier: Despite the physical ravages of age, new research from the University of California found that older people are much happier than younger adults. Call me crazy, but who wouldn’t be happy spending some of that wad of cash you made as a Walmart Greeter on one of those senior discount dinners at Denny’s?

Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System: In an article published by Nature World News, researchers announced the discovery of a new unnamed rocky “Earth-like” planet orbiting our nearest star Proxima Centauri, 4.25 light-years away from Earth. The question we must now ask ourselves as a civilization is whether or not we will be able to reach that planet by the time Keith Richards has smoked his last cigarette. At current rocket speeds, its estimated that we wouldn't arrive there till about 9076. Many scientists believe Keith Richards could be long dead by then.

Trump Used Campaign Donations to Buy $55,000 of His Own Book: Experts say Donald Trump may have broken the law when used his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book at retail cost, simultaneously diverting donor money back into his pockets while artificially boosting his sales figures. Its stunts like this that make me think how ridiculous those people are who compare Trump to Adolf Hitler - let’s get serious folks - Hitler wrote his own book.

Indiana Tornado Completely Demolishes Starbucks Cafe: Local officials say that its a miracle no one was injured after a tornado completely demolished a Starbucks cafe in Kokomo, Indiana. Fortunately for coffee drinkers, there are two additional Starbucks, a Coffee Bean as well as a Peet’s Coffee directly across the street which were completely unaffected.

Nine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills: A five-year government study concluded that Americans are drugging themselves to sleep more than ever, with nine million Americans now taking sleeping pills. Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to drinking yourself to sleep?

Snake Hiding in Toilet Bites Israeli Man’s Penis: A 35-year-old Israeli man had to be rushed to the hospital after a snake suddenly emerged from the toilet and bit him on the penis. Herpetologists are cautioning people against immediately concluding that the snake was gay.

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Russian Cat Caring for Baby Squirrel Monkey Video Goes Viral: Video of a Russian cat who adopted a baby squirrel monkey after it was abandoned by his mother at a zoo, has gone viral on the internet. Because of the kindly gesture on the part of the Russians, the little guy promised - as soon as he’s grown - to do everything a baby squirrel monkey can possibly do to support the Russian occupation of the Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula.

Austrian Woman Has Vandalized Over 1,000 Cars: Police say the have no idea why a 35-year-old supposedly mentally ill woman in Styria, Austria, has spent more than half a decade scratching a zig-zag pattern into the paint jobs of local cars. Now I’m no psychologist, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out - her family probably owns a body shop.

Melania Trump Threatens Lawsuit Over Escort Claims: Melania Trump, wife of the Republican nominee Donald Trump, is denying rumors published in the Daily Mail that she worked for an escort service two decades ago. Good grief, a gorgeous Eastern European blonde immigrant working as an escort - say it an’t so! So if Trump gets elected, would that make her our "First Lady of the Evening?”