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Elon Musk Unveils Plan to Colonize Mars

A satirical look at current events!

Elon Musk Unveils Plan to Colonize Mars: Billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk has finally unveiled his hotly-anticipated plan to send humans to live on Mars. I may not be the visionary Elon Musk is - but frankly, I don’t get it. I mean, if someone has their heart set on living in an inhospitable environment where there is no cultural life, no breathable air and probably no potable water, why not just move to Flint, Michigan or Cleveland?

Study Suggests Humans Predisposed to Murder: New research out of Spain suggests that humans are predisposed to murder each other, but it still remains unclear whether it’s because of genetics or if other factors are involved. To prevent further violence, researchers suggest that everyone immediately go to the nearest police station and turn themselves in.

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Eagles Carson Wentz Named NFC Offensive Player of the Week: After his stellar performance against the Steelers in which he completed 23 of 31 attempts for 301 yards and two touchdowns in a 34-3 win, Philadelphia Eagles star rookie Carson Wentz has been named the NFC Offensive Player of the Week. I don’t get it, what’s so offensive about that?

Study Finds Rats Can Show Compassion: New experiments from the University of Chicago show rats demonstrating compassion by helping other rodents, a trait previously thought to occur in only humans and higher primates. Well, guess we can no longer accurately refer to Congress as “a bunch of rats.”

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Donald Trump Repeats His Attack on Alicia Machado’s Weight: Donald Trump surprised many during the recent presidential debate with Hillary Clinton by repeating his criticism of Alicia Machado’s weight gain after she won his 1996 Miss Universe contest. And while his words may sound offensive to some, it’s important to remember that Donald Trump is a really buffed gym rat who’s whole life has been centered around health, nutrition and physical fitness. After the debate, Trump defended his attack on Alicia Machado by pointing out that “feminist chicks really dig me.”

Snake Charmer Dies During Viper Demo: A German “snake charmer” has died after being bitten by a viper during an event aimed at helping audiences overcome their fear of snakes. A snake charmer bitten by a snake? I’ll have to assume the snake must not have found him all that charming. My question is, why would anyone want to teach people to overcome a fear of venomous snakes?

Deadly White-Nose Syndrome Attacks Bats: Biologists say a plague know as "white-nose syndrome” has been decimating bat populations across the nation for the past three years. In related news, an epidemic of “brown-nose syndrome” seems to be spreading across human work places throughout the US.

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Researchers Say Stonehenge Was Ancient Graveyard: British researchers have proposed a new theory for the origins of Stonehenge - that it may have started as a giant burial ground for elite families around 3,000 B.C. That said, scientists admit its just a theory and nothing is written in stone.

First-Ever Baby Born With DNA From Three People: Hoping to prevent a child from inheriting a fatal genetic disease from its mother, scientists say a baby has been born using a new technique that combines DNA from three different people. Geez, talk about “who’s your daddy?” And when he gets older, I can see him telling friends “My mother? Let me tell you about my Mother!” Not to mention he will become the first person who can legitimately brag about being conceived during a 3-way. Of course, a procedure like this always brings up ethical questions, such as according to the new labeling laws, will the child need to be categorized as a GMO?

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