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Experts Estimate It Will be 1,500 Years Before Any UFO Contact
A satirical look at current events!
Experts Estimate It Will be 1,500 Years Before Any UFO Contact: Scientists say that, based upon their calculations, it’s likely that Earth won't hear from other life-forms in the universe for at least another 1,500 years. Yea, but what they don’t tell you is that the real reason it'll take 1500 years is that the aliens are using Verizon - you know the routine - ”Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?” That said, I think its a pretty safe bet to assume that in another 1500 years, the only beings likely to be still alive on Earth will be the cockroaches and Keith Richards, so why worry about it?
Tony Dow Reunited With His First Car After 51 Years: Tony Dow, who played Wally Cleaver in the iconic 1960’s sitcom Leave it to Beaver, has been reunited with the first car he ever owned - a 1962 Chevrolet Corvair Spyder - when the man he had sold the car to 51-years-ago died and wanted Dow to have it back again. Well that was really nice of him to return the car to Wally, especially when everyone assumed he’d just “leave it to Beaver.”
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Suit Alleges Starbucks Cheats on Milk in Their Lattes: Two California residents are suing Starbucks, alleging that the Seattle-based company deliberately underfills its cafe lattes to only 75% capacity in order to save money on milk. While I don’t condone their actions, is anyone really surprised that a company got caught skimming on skim milk? Isn’t that what its for?
Anniversary of the Telegraph Celebrated: This year marks the 155th anniversary of the completion of the transcontinental telegraph, which electronically knitted together a nation from sea to sea in what was really a primitive form of the Internet. Thank goodness they’ve made progress since then, can you imagine trying to post to Facebook using Morse Code?
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Astronomers Capture Black Hole Eating a Star: Astronomers say they’ve identified the source of a mysterious blast of gamma rays that reached Earth in late March as that of a black hole devouring a wandering star. Perhaps even more fascinating, scientists say it appears that the black hole first inquired if the wandering stars were fresh today.
Teen Finds Dead Bat in Rice Krispies Box: A 17-year-old teen in Glasgow said she was terrified after discovering a decomposing bat in the bottom of her Rice Krispies box, causing her to swear-off the cereal for life. She found a decomposing bat in her cereal box? Whatever happened to plastic toys? Talk about snap, crackle and shock. Considering it was inside a Rice Krispies box, its my guess that the poor bat probably died of malnutrition. On a personal note, I stopped eating bats after the first Ebola outbreak.
Another Horsemeat Scandal Spreads Across Europe: Meat industry executives are once again on the hot seat as yet another scandal regarding horsemeat being labeled as beef has spread to 16 countries. Wow, sounds like someone’s been giving consumers a “bum steer.”
Eyeless Catfish Discovered in Texas Cave Likely From Mexico: Scientists say that the eyeless, blind catfish recently discovered deep inside a limestone cave in Texas, most likely have migrated here from Mexico. Eyeless, blind catfish from Mexico? In response, Donald Trump said that this proves Mexico isn’t sending us their best catfish.
Study Finds Regular Pot Smokers Are Skinnier: According to a new study by researchers at the University of Nebraska, regular marijuana users are skinnier than those who have never tried the drug or don’t use it regularly. That said, researchers are quick to point out that for anyone who’s truly interested in losing some serious weight, there’s still nothing quite like crystal meth.
McCain Says Obama Directly Responsible for Orlando: John McCain found himself having to walk back comments he made which claimed President Obama is directly responsible for the recent Orlando massacre. In response, President Obama accused John McCain of being directly responsible for unleashing Sarah Palin and her dysfunctional family on unsuspecting Americans.
Video Shows China Bank Employees Being Spanked: A video, published by the People's Daily, showing eight employees at a Chinese bank being publicly spanked with a wooden stick for poor performance during a training session is sparking a massive outrage. Now I realize that there are different kinds of speciality banks, but who knew that China had Spank Banks? If you ask me, we could use something like this on Wall Street. “Bad Banker…Bad!” On a positive note, the bank reports receiving tens of thousands of inquiries from people across the globe, asking if the bank happens to be hiring.
