FATHERS, THEN AND NOW.....

I think a lot of people would agree that there are things about our society now, our culture, that are better than they were centuries, or even decades ago…and there are, in turn, things about our society and culture that are worse than they were decades ago…we might all have a different list as to what goes where….there would likely be no consensus about most things, about what is better and what is worse….I think restaurants are much better than they used to be...the choices, and the sophistication of the restaurant experience blows away those from yesteryear....and, on a more serious note, I would say that, in general, it would appear that fathers are much more involved in their child’s daily lives than they were in decades and centuries past….

I think a study of our society over the years would show that mothers have done the great bulk of the parenting, the “raising” of the children, the nurturing of children….in general. There surely were exceptions but fathers played a much more marginal and less invested role than mothers….I think that has changed largely, at least among many cultures…

I think fathers are now much more invested in the details of their children’s lives. They are more involved in the nurturing, they get down on their hands and knees much more than they have historically. The father isn’t just showing up at the dinner table and reading the paper while sipping a scotch and soda….those days are still here for some, but fathers are more and more expected to make greater emotional and time investments.

Two examples in the last week have triggered my thinking….I went to a function at my son’s school earlier in the week. The school hosted a program that was committed to helping parents assist in their children’s college application process. Many of the school’s counselors were there and they also had (4 )parents on a panel whose children had graduated from that school the previous spring and who were heading off for college. These parents on the panel explained how the process of finding a college worked for them…what processes they went through in order to reach a decision as to what college their child should attend….and how to prepare for that…

It caught my attention that (2) of the (4) parents on the panel were fathers. I think in previous decades you might find that fathers were only marginally involved in this process of applying to colleges.. the mothers would have been doing the majority of the groundwork in those days and they still may be doing the majority of it now,….but things have surely shifted. From where I was sitting, it seemed that the two fathers were the most eloquent and thoughtful of the four panelists….No disrespect to the mothers who did a fine job as well but the fathers seemed more like “mothers”, under the historical stereotype that I carry.

Personally, I am forever grateful to have had a fantastic father…he was extremely loving and caring and he made me (and my two sisters) a huge priority in his life…I always knew that he was there for me….in retrospect, we never had any “heart to heart” talks---he wasn’t that kind of man…he spoke the only language he knew…but it was loving just the same…and it was more than what my friend’s fathers had provided for their kids. I clearly was the luckiest of all those in my peer group. I remember my dad, who was a dentist and very involved in city politics, would come home everyday with a tie on and a jacket in his hand as he exited the car. Countless times over the span of my youth I would be there waiting for him holding my baseball glove and ball…and a catchers mitt (for him)….I can’t remember one time when he said he was tired, or he had things he had to do….he always put down his jacket and grabbed the catcher’s mitt and crouched down on our front lawn in his slacks, in the catchers position and let me pretend I was Don Sutton or Tom Seaver……it didn’t matter what he had been through that day…he shielded me from the “good, the bad, and the ugly”. He wanted only to be a catcher..and a dad….at that time when I needed him. He played catch and ran for balls that had ricocheted into the streets….he did it all with a tie on….and he did it till I grew tired.

I think the full marination and reflection of those selfless and golden moments from the pages of my dad’s parenting have translated to how I have tried to be with my, now 18 year old, son…I had a great teacher ….most of my friends weren’t as lucky…most of the world isn’t as lucky.

Getting back to the school college prep event…I think it is noteworthy to say that one of those eloquent and invested fathers was Malibu resident Kendall Raine. His son had graduated last year from Viewpoint and he is now off to college…not just any college but the college that Kendall and his wife, Amy, had helped their son, Harrison, carefully select after many months of evaluation and conversations and blood sweat and tears….Harrison is a very lucky young man…he may not know it fully now, but he will in years to come….and you know that Harrison’s own children will be the beneficiary of the great parenting that he received.

Imagine how many kids would love to know, right now….today and everyday, that they were, without question, the most important thing in their parent’s lives. Sadly that isn’t the case for so many kids across the landscape…..it is an “unforced error”, to use a sport’s metaphor…it doesn’t take wealth, or privilege, or anything else that is elusive to be a devoted and loving parent….a 100% parent!

The following night was the “Back to School” night for my daughter at Malibu High….I noticed that there were almost as many fathers as mothers…..again, back in my generation “Back to School” night was primarily mothers. I don’t even know if Attiucs Finch would have shown up at Jem and Scout’s “Back to School” night…he probably would have sent Calpurnia. But, if he had gone, he would certainly have worn a suit and tie…and a hat., that he would have taken off gracefully as he entered a room. I also noticed that most of the fathers were wearing shorts, t shirts, and flip flips….whereas my dad, like Atticus, would have shown up in a tie …..another transformation from older standards…..some would say that this is progress, the deformalization of our society…others would disagree…not that my opinion matters, but having been on both ends….I prefer a greater formality to these occasions; it makes them more of an “occasion”…it would shock both of my kids to hear me say that given that they see me in board shorts and t shirt when I am not working……(”dad’s a hypocrite”).

Bravo to the fathers….who are seeing their roles as being less one dimensional…more well rounded…more equivalent to those of our beloved mothers. Mothers never get enough credit anyways….it almost always falls on them to be the glue…to provide the warmth and unconditional love….and stability.

ATTICUS

Scout, what in the world has

gotten in to you?

Scout turns to her father to explain, takes a look at

him and bursts out crying again.

ATTICUS

Now, now,

now.

SCOUT

Atticus, I’m not going back to

school any more.

ATTICUS

Now, Scout, it’s just the first

day.

SCOUT

I don’t care. Everything went

wrong. My teacher got mad as the

devil at me and said you were

teaching me to read all wrong and

to stop it. And then she acts

like a fool and tries to give

Walter Cunningham a quarter when

everybody knows Cunningham’s won’t

take

nothin’

from nobody. Any fool

could have told her that.

ATTICUS

Now, Scout. Maybe she’s just

nervous. After all it’s her first day

teaching school, and being new

here.

SCOUT

Oh, Atticus.

ATTICUS

Now wait a minute. If you can

learn a single trick, Scout,

you’ll get along a lot better with

all kinds of folks. You never

really understand a person until

you consider things from his point

of view.

SCOUT

Sir?

ATTICUS

Until you climb into his skin and

walk around in it.

SCOUT

But if I keep going to school we

can’t ever read any more.

ATTICUS

Do you know what a compromise is?

SCOUT

Bending the law?

ATTICUS

No...it is an agreement reached by

mutual consent. Here’s how it works....you

concede the necessity of going to school,

and we’ll keep right on reading the same

the same every night, just as we always have.

Is that a bargain?

SCOUT

Yes, sir.

ATTICUS

All right. Now hurry back to

school or you’ll be late.