HUMAN SUFFERING: IS IT EVER ANY GOOD?

I’m re-evaluating some of my basic core values…..I'm less convinced with the old mantra, "No pain, No gain". I didn't say I was unconvinced...just less convinced. I like the notion that a person can put themselves in the path of suffering in order to grow stronger and see "what they are made of", etc., like running a marathon or climbing to the top of a mountain but, any other form of human suffering is under review in my book.

I think it is important for an individual to develop the skills he or she will need to navigate through life successfully and skillfully…hopefully with the abilities necessary to reach his or her dreams, and to help others in their attempts to reach theirs. If lessons need to be learned in order to be prepared for these challenges…I suppose some suffering is warranted.

And, whatever resistance and deprivation that is required to become a good and compassionate and contributing member of society should probably be experienced…or so that is my thought…

But, some "lessons" are less clearly worthy of the pain, and some suffering is inflicted by carelessness or lack of concern. If you are uncertain about a clear and orchestrated meaning to life (re: God) then some of the scars and bruises would seem to be less necessary….If there is no continuum...if the "ends" don't justify the "means"; If we aren't getting ourselves ready for a spiritual Super Bowl...then perhaps a closer look is needed----a different perspective. I'm just thinking.

Having my own children….I am prone to think that I want to spare them pain whenever I can…..To this day I can remember one incident…it would seem silly to most anyone…but it has stuck with me all these years…My son was at a Christmas function for kids…he was about 5 years old….Santa was to appear and give out little gifts to all the kids at the function…there was a list that “Santa” was given of the kids at the event…he would call out a name and the kid would come up and receive his gift…something small….but a thrill nonetheless. To this day I feel the sting of watching my small child’s eyes tear up when all the names had been called and his name wasn’t. My son rarely cried…he was not one to be over emotional and he was not very needy…but, when you are 5 years old and Santa Claus forgets you….it can be devastating…or seem that way to a small child.

Even now I would love to be able to take that pain away…the pain of being the only child forgotten by Santa….there are far worse fates that are experienced by millions of children in this country..and it is unforgivable…let’s not forget that 23% of kids under 18 are living in poverty…My son and daughter have had joyous and loving childhoods….they have experienced very little emotional pain (as far as I can detect). The secure feeling of being cared for, and cherished, is something we should all strive to bring to all the children of the world.

My dad was born on a farm in the Midwest during the Depression and Dust bowl…he had very little ..and he experienced the “tough love” that comes with growing up at that time and place…his father had to leave for months at a time to work on the Golden Gate Bridge to send home money for the family in the months when there was no harvest…..My dad turned out to be a great man and a successful and contributing member of society. Did he need the human suffering he experienced to be the man he grew to be? I don't know.....…I'm less certain these days. He parented me with much outward love and compassion that he hadn't received as a child…I don’t know where he learned it….he was strict in his own way….but he never left me feeling abandoned or forgotten or unloved.

My kids have been parented with a less "heavy hand" than I was....My priorities are a little different than my folks. I don't know if that is good or bad...time will tell I suppose. I remember when my dad got upset with me one day back in 1972…it was an important day because we were going to what would be the Final game of the 1972 NBA championships at the Forum that night. I was a huge Lakers fan at the time and the Lakers had that magical year when they won 33 games in arrow a set the record for the best won loss record in history….my dad and I were going to game 5. If they won that night they clinched the NBA championship…I don’t remember what I did that day but I upset him enough so that he took my Grandpa to the game instead of me….I remember standing at the door and watching as my dad and grandpa left for the game. I can’t imagine I learned any valuable or effective lesson over being kept from attending the game…I don't even remember what I did that brought about the punishment.

Life is short…and, no one knows for sure but this may be the only one we have…..experiencing emotional pain…even something small that comes when it appears Santa has forgotten you….is something that we should all lament….we only have so many chances at joy in our lives, and then it is over. We may not get a second chance(s). This might be our one and only exposure to life and joy and love and kindness.

I remember coaching Little League for 7 years when my son was growing up. I remember the burden of trying to make sure that no one felt left out or un-valued. It was so important that everyone got to experience a sense of belonging and a sense of value from the Little League experience…Winning was so obviously secondary.

I remember a friend of mine telling me something about 25 years after it happened…of the time that he and his dad had a walk together back to the car after he learned that he wasn’t selected to be in Little league....not even to just be a participant and wear the uniform. He had gone to the tryouts as a 10 or 11 year old all excited to be a part of a Little League team…but after the tryouts he wasn’t selected by any of the coaches…so, he did the only thing he could do…he walked back to the car with his father….and, as a father, I can only imagine the sadness that he felt for his child……it was a bitter emotional blow for my friend…he felt unwanted. He felt shame. He felt he didn't belong. The coaches and the Institution itself forgot what the whole darn thing was all about.....it was about kids, not about selecting for the next major league prospect.

Unless human suffering will clearly bring about a greater power or sensitivity or empathy into our lives for the future….I choose to eliminate it, why not?..…..and, foremost, eliminating it requires that we be sensitized to human suffering…most notably the suffering of children, and not just our own, but all children, everywhere….suffering is out there, it's ubiquitous. Imagine the sadness of not being able to provide for your children…seeing other kids getting to go here or there or buy this or that and not being able to give your own child similar gifts or opportunities…

I was in New York last week and I was walking up 5th avenue late at night and I saw a young man and young woman huddled against a building, homeless, with a sign that said, “I am pregnant and we are homeless”. I could see that she was pregnant...heartbreaking…but when I thought of the sight of a baby being born into this world on the streets……to homeless parents…it was devastating to think about.

Imagine your own children…being born on the street to homeless parents…their first day entering the world….and they are greeted by asphalt….not in a comfortable bed…but exposed, cold…and with no prospects……the baby will do nothing to deserve this unceremonious entry into life…It will be a miracle if that child can live a successful life, or even become educated. He or she has a high chance of being a drug addict….and homeless him or herself. Certainly there will be emotional scars from the childhood and adolescence that will follow….

Surely, for me, one of the greatest (of many) gifts of having children of your own is that you experience a love that you have never experienced before…it dwarfs all others. And, when you have that love and concern for your own children….you have the special opportunity, if you choose to seize it, of seeing every child as being potentially your child…you observe the obvious---which is that everyone is somebody’s child….and my children are only more important to me through my own narrow perspective…

Imagine how different the world would be if we saw every child as our own child….

We are all in this together….though, as I see it, dreadfully few realize this…I'm so unimpressed with the paradigm that prevails in this country...the one that says...."I got mine....and I don't really care if you got yours."

Food for Thought