I WAS LISTENING....EVEN WHEN IT SEEMED LIKE I WASN'T

“He lost a lot of friends because of his honesty”.

That was a line from a eulogy that Mikke Pierson gave for his best friend Stephen Hicks…it was almost 3 years ago now…that line was provocative….I haven’t forgot….I have often looked for the virtue in that line (and the lesson)…Mikke didn’t put this line about Stephen in his eulogy for no reason…it must have captured Stephen in a way that was important…-a way that his close friends were surely aware of…

On further review….what does that mean? And what does it say about Stephen? And, why does it resonate so much with me?

Perhaps, just a guess….Stephen felt like his honesty was the greatest gift (he) could give…and, if that gift was unwelcome…well, he was willing to let the chips fall….”where they did”. I didn’t know Stephen well at all…I hardly knew the guy…but I am guessing that his honesty was not meant to be insulting or personally antagonistic….but, it might have been meant to challenge….to encourage a deeper probing…and ultimately, a deeper understanding. Not that Stephen, or anyone who is honest, is always right…but, his perspective is all he has to offer…it’s his gift….if you want a different “gift”, go look for it from someone else..not from Stephen.

And, anything less than the gift of honesty is disingenuous, dis-invested…and an unintended expression of apathy.

I can only imagine that the friends who did stick around after the dust of honesty settled…that is, the friendships that were built on honesty…those friendships were more like diamonds….and we know under what conditions those are made….Diamonds, much like pearls, are not created from passivity…they emerge, charred, much like a Phoenix…from the ashes of great pressure and irritation. It’s strenuous…there is no shortcut to diamonds, (or pearls), nor to building outstanding friendships or self realization.

So, it is with this spirit that I continue….knowing that my honesty may not be well received, if it is received at all….

I recently received a gracious invitation to travel to Hawaii and stay at the vacation home of a “friend” who lives here in Malibu. I was invited with a group of some of his other “friends”, friends of his…. There were (5) of us in all. Usually, traveling with “friends” is a red flag for me (or at least a yellow one)…I do it about as much as I wear a dress…..I just don’t do the “friend” thing very well…it’s not that I am a fish out of water….it’s just that I am like a fish that can’t swim. My kids often ask me why I have no friends. I don’t know what to tell them….they know that I know a lot of people….they can’t go anywhere with me without me stopping to talk with lots of people…some I know well…others I know only from the habit of seeing them everyday…this is where I thrive…..this is where this fish can swim.

I am good for a fast burrito…or a 20 minute talk after getting out of the ocean….I thrive with strangers, any kind of stranger, you name it.….I peak during the time it takes to wait for my Brazilian Bowl to be made at Sunlife. I almost never can be seen eating in town with anyone else but myself. I can almost never be spotted in a movie theatre with anyone…certainly I don’t surf with anyone…but, in all these circumstances and milieu’s….I love being with people….I love watching….saying something to a stranger…or to a casual friend….trying to leave them with something noteworthy…maybe a compliment…or something that makes their day go by a little more smoothly. Or, if I am lucky…I can get the pleasure of someone’s company…such was the case specifically on this trip….they were all good guy’s…to a man. The host, let’s call him Laurentius, is one of those rare people who is always entertaining you even when they aren’t aware or trying…I laughed (or grinned) at just about every 3rd sentence out of his mouth…he doesn’t try to be funny, the Lord knows that Germans have no capacity to be intentionally funny--he made them that way…but damn he was amusing ...endlessly. He loves life....and he does it in a way that is inclusive...people want to be around him because they feel certain that for that time they are with him, they will love life a little more....and who could blame them?

He told me that his grandfather fought in WWI, and that after that…his grandfather had the pleasure of fighting in WWII, and then being a prisoner of War (in Russia) for nine years, not being released until 1954. Imagine being a prisoner of war….and now, just to be masochistic…imagine being a prisoner of war in Russia…immediately after WWII. That country had just lost 28 million people…and we can only imagine the utter lack of mercy in that subhuman Purgatory. I don’t know for sure if Laurentius ever met his grandfather…he didn’t say…but I’m sure his grandfather is laughing from his perch in that Gulag in the Sky when he sees the life that his grandson has made for himself….and his family. It might lessen the sting of the memory of being on the wrong side of humanity for so many years. Laurentius is nobody’s prisoner…take that to the bank, but, I’ll bet you…that if he had to live through the same fate as his grandfather…he would have done it with the same grace that he exhibits here, now.

But, make plans to get together?…have lunch, go to the Dodger game together? There isn’t enough water in that scenario…I can’t swim….I’m not proud of it! Oh, I can do it…and I can pull it off without a hitch…but, something (for me) is lost. The best way I can describe it is that, when I am with others for more than brief flings….I can’t let everything I see and feel and hear bounce off myself….I can’t let my thoughts spread out….imagine water in one of those little kid’s plastic swimming pools….it is enclosed…contained….and now imagine tilting the little pool so that all the water gushes out all over the grass…it just runs…unhindered….it can go anywhere it wants….there are no boundaries….my water gets to gush out wherever I go…..I never will give my attention to one person for very long….there is too much I’ll miss out on…

On this trip……I observed, mostly…I watched, and listened….I participated (yes) but just not in the same way. Let me volunteer that I am not a narcissist, however it may seem. I would excise that kind of tumor in seconds…….I might be too self dependent for some….but, the facts are (and I have studied them thoroughly) that I care about people a lot. I remember an acquaintance of mine….a woman who is a family therapist, said this to me: “don’t expect anyone to care as much as you do”. That traveled through my solar plexus and it is echoing still…..

Yes, it is contradiction, perhaps….but only if you aren’t wearing my boots.

I would hope that my fellow travelers to Hawaii, though recognizing that I am often creating space, would also acknowledge that I wasn’t indifferent to (their) lives, and to their journeys. In an effort to stay swimming (much like a shark) I didn’t spend too much time with them…but when I did…I was listening…I listened carefully. What more could you ask from a shark…sharks don’t have friends, you know…they are much too occupied with swimming.

To all of you, you know who you are...even a guy named ”Royal T”.

“Take me out tonight..

Because I want to see people and I want to see life

Driving in your car, oh please don’t drop me home

because it’s not my home, it’s their home

and I’m welcome no more

there’s a light and it never goes out...there’s a light and it never goes out...There’s a light and it never goes out” - The Smiths

(apropos of nothing ...I just listened to this song the whole time I wrote this piece, over and over...incredible violins and bass and apparent flute, though it probably was synthesized given the era)