Every time I hear somebody explain how long it takes to drive from one place to another around here, invariably I hear the words “if there is no traffic.” I have no idea what that expression means in the context of Los Angeles, where there is almost always traffic.
Are we suffering from some terrible state of denial to qualify our directions with this meaningless phrase. Let’s face the facts—LA and traffic go together like love and marriage, a horse and carriage, and any other lyrics I can dig up from a popular 1950’s tune.
To say “if there is no traffic” is a lot like my saying I wouldn’t gain weight if I didn’t eat peanut butter and ice cream after dinner. But I do eat peanut butter and ice cream after dinner, and there usually is traffic in LA .
If we insist on living in a fantasy land and suffer from some compulsion to preface our directions with “if there is no traffic,” then the least we could do is to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and to inform people what happens when there is traffic.
For instance, let’s say your friend is arriving at LAX late Friday afternoon on a hot summer weekend. You can qualify your directions to Malibu with “if there is no traffic,” which were it to be true would be a far greater miracle than Moses’ parting of the Red Sea. Or you can tell your friend the truth—“you will be lucky to arrive in Malibu before the holiday—Thanksgiving that is.”
