Politics & Government
Kellyanne Conway Claims Trump’s Team has Alternative Facts
A satirical look at current events!
Kellyanne Conway Claims Trump’s Team has Alternative Facts: When confronted by Chuck Todd about lies White House press secretary Sean Spicer told at his first press conference, Kellyanne Conway advised the Meet the Press host that Donald Trump’s team is using “alternative facts.” In related news - the White House has just congratulated the Green Bay Packers on their tremendous victory over the Atlanta Falcons in the NFC Championship game.
Ringling Bros Circus to Close After 146 Years: The owner of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus told The Associated Press that after 146 years, the circus has decided to close forever in May. What do you expect? I mean, how’s a simple traveling circus supposed to compete with the incoming Trump Administration? Besides, apparently all the clowns were given cabinet positions anyway.
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Headless Crocodiles in Egyptian Tomb Shock Experts: A Swedish archaeological team working in Egypt has reported the discovery of 12 new tombs, which include among other artifacts - two headless crocodiles. Some of the archaeologists speculate that the heads may possibly have been given away as gifts - which seems absolutely crazy to me, because - who in their right mind would want to give a crocodile head?
Kellyanne Conway’s $3600 Gucci Outfit Raises Eyebrows: Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway has the internet abuzz with the odd-looking $3600 Gucci outfit she chose to wear to the inauguration. Now I realize the Trump people are trying to get everyone to get on the bandwagon, but who knew that meant actually putting on a band uniform as well?
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Trump Picks NY Jets Owner to be Ambassador to UK: Prominent Republican donor Woody Johnson, the owner of the New York Jets and scion of the Johnson & Johnson industrial dynasty, has been nominated by Donald Trump to be the next US ambassador to London. Trump says Johnson’s eminently qualified because he’s well aware that color and labor are spelled “colour and labour” over there. But seriously, the Brits must realize they’re about to get screwed when a guy named “Woody Johnson” gets appointed your ambassador. Makes you wonder what the hell his middle name could be - I’m guessing Pecker.
Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body Show Stirs Controversy: Khloe Kardashian’s new show “Revenge Body” on E! Entertainment is causing a bit of controversy as some are saying that its psychologically unhealthy to use “revenge” as a motivator. I suspect I may have one of those “revenge bodies” myself, given that most of the people who’ve seen it have puked right on the spot.
Iowa to Allow Blind People to Carry Guns in Public: Iowa has passed legislation which will allow blind residents to acquire guns and to carry these firearms in public. While it seems a bit unsettling, I suppose its less dangerous than allowing “blond people” to carry firearms. Personally, I have no issue with blind people firing a gun, its just the aiming I’m a little concerned about.
New Report on iPhone 8’s Facial Recognition Feature: A new report has surfaced indicating that Apple’s next-gen iPhone may include an advanced form of facial recognition technology, capable of even discerning specific emotional states. In addition, Apple is reportedly planning to issue a disclaimer - cautioning Hollywood celebrities that their facelifts and botox treatments could very well render their phone’s facial recognition features completely useless.
Jade Eggs Gwyneth Paltrow's New Gynecological Advice: Gynecologists are none to happy with actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest gynecological recommendation - inserting a "jade egg” into the vagina which she claims increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance and feminine energy in general. Gee, and all this time I just assumed those celebrities walked that way because they were in high heels.
Drug Lord El Chapo Guzmán Extradited to US: The Mexican government has extradited its most notorious drug kingpin, the often elusive Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, to the United States to face a raft of federal charges related to the trafficking of tons of narcotics over more than two decades. He’s going to dig a yuge tunnel - and America’s going to pay for it!
New White House Press Secretary Plugs Trump’s DC Hotel: Incoming White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer took time out of his first official press conference to “encourage” people to visit Donald Trump’s Washington DC hotel, calling it “symbolic of the kind of government that Trump’s going to run - ahead of time and under budget.” No kidding! Guess its pretty easy to come in “under budget” if you don’t pay the contractors. And, if you mention Sean Spicer’s name, you’ll get a free upgrade to a room where every fixture in the shower is made of gold.
World's Eight Richest Men Have Same Wealth as Poorest 50%: A new report from a British anti-poverty organization says just eight men have as much wealth as the poorest 50% of the people in the world. So far, all efforts to get those poorest 50% to buy the rich guys out have failed.
Trump Picks Former GA Gov. Sonny Perdue as Agriculture Secretary: President-elect Donald Trump will nominate former Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue to serve as agriculture secretary, completing his cabinet appointments as he prepares for his inauguration. This, of course, shatters the hopes of those of us who felt the position should have rightly gone to agricultural pioneers such as Woody Harrelson or Willy Nelson.
Wisconsin Lawmaker Claims Almond Milk Hurting Dairy Farmers: Wisconsin Sen. Tammy Baldwin has introduced legislation for a new federal law which would prohibit non-dairy producers from labeling their creamy liquids made from soy, coconut and almonds as “milk.” Guess that pretty much means they’ll have to rename the poor “milkweed” plant. The dairy farmers will say you can’t drink it and the pot heads will complain you can’t smoke it.
Study Finds Eating Less Boosts Memory: According to an Italian study, there is growing evidence that eating less can help improve memory. Unfortunately, the first thing most people seem to remember with their newly improved memory is how damn hungry they are.
Hawaii Offers Homeless One-Way Tickets Home: Hawaii is employing one of the more creative ways to save money on housing, food, and other services earmarked for the homeless, offering homeless people one-way tickets to go back home. I guess my question would be, how do you send a homeless person back home?
