Mel Gibson Wants to Put Anti-Semitic Remarks Behind Him

Mel Gibson Wants to Put Anti-Semitic Remarks Behind Him: During an interview promoting his latest film, Mel Gibson complained he’d been hoping he could put his anti-semitic remarks made during a 2006 drunk driving arrest behind him, but people keep bringing it up. Hell, forget the anti-semitism questions, with a picture like that - what we should be asking him is what he plans to do with the prize money should he actually win this year’s Saddam Hussein lookalike contest.

Bob Dylan Decides to Accept the Nobel Prize: After a long silence on the matter, singer-songwriter Bob Dylan has finally told the Swedish Academy that he will accept the Nobel Prize in Literature. Perhaps he just needed a little time to think it over. Now if I were advising him, I would have told him “don’t think twice, it’s alright.”

Man Dressed as Pine Tree Arrested for Blocking Traffic: Police say in Portland, Maine say they’ve arrested a man dressed as a pine tree for standing in the street and obstructing traffic in a busy downtown intersection. Angry traffic cops say if this was a pine, it was “naughty” pine. You can bet he’s really gonna get needled by friends about this. Authorities initially questioned all his friends to see if any were accomplices, but they told police “you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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Counterfeit Exercise Equipment Coming from China: Los Angeles prosecutors report that a man has been sentenced to jail for bringing more than 2,000 counterfeit, Chinese-made Ab Circle Pro machines into the United States to sell. City officials warn consumers that any pounds or inches lost using the bogus equipment will not really count.

Teacher Busted for Bestiality in Phoenix: Authorities say a middle-school music teacher was among two men arrested at a Phoenix motel, charged with using the internet to connect with dog owners who offered their canines for sex. Police say the men also humiliated the animals - putting collars around their necks and demanding that they bark like a dog.

Walmart Recalls Miley Cyrus Jewelry: Walmart is pulling an entire line of Miley Cyrus brand necklaces and bracelets after tests found the jewelry contained high levels of cadmium - which isn’t dangerous if simply worn, but can be highly toxic if someone sucks on the jewelry. Walmart says the recall was necessary because only a “sucker” would buy something like this.

Elephants Communicate With Sophisticated Sign Language: According to researchers who have studied the big mammals in the wild for decades, elephants use a variety of “subtle movements and gestures” to communicate. Yeah, piss them off and they’ll flip you “the trunk.”

Study Suggests Taking Selfies May Make You Happier: Taking photos of one’s self (selfies) is often thought to be narcissistic, addictive and unhealthy, but a new study suggests they may actually help improve one’s mood and outlook. Personally, I have no desire to take selfies, but then again, I may be suffering from low selfie esteem. That said, I boost my mood and outlook through feeling superior to those who do take selfies.

Four Million In Pot Found on Beach Near Santa Barbara: More than $4 million in pot has been found on the beach near Santa Barbara in an abandoned panga boat that has washed ashore. Geez, makes you wonder how something like this can even happen? All I ever find are empty beer cans and cigarette butts.

Three Out of Four NFL Players Own Guns: USA Today conducted a poll that found roughly three out of four NFL players are gun owners. And when you consider how often NFL players are routinely getting the crap beaten out of them every Sunday, they ought to be allowed to carry those weapons with them on the field - just for protection.

Astronomers Say Universe Has Two Trillion Galaxies: Astronomers report that new data indicate that there are at least two trillion galaxies in the universe, up to twenty times more than previously thought. And perhaps even more, if one includes unfathomable places like Cleveland or Cincinnati.

Iceland Braces for a Pirate Party Takeover: A collection of anarchists, hackers, libertarians and Web geeks known as the “Pirate Party,” which didn’t even exist four years ago, is on the cusp of winning Iceland’s national elections. Guess Icelanders must have felt like things in their country were heading south, which I suppose is quite normal when you live so close to the North Pole.

UCLA Study Says Fat Genes Determine Obesity: According to researchers at UCLA, while diet and exercise are still large factors in obesity, the degree to which one gains weight from a high-fat diet is largely determined by your genes. So guys, next time your girlfriend asks you “do these genes make me look too fat,” tell her “yes, and I have the studies to back it up.”

Study Outlines the Benefits of Napping: A study by the University of Düsseldorf has shown that even very short naps enhance memory processing, improve physiological performance as well as subjective alertness and mood. Good thing, because I fell asleep as soon as I started reading this story.

Radiation Found in Japanese Baby Formula: Japanese food maker Meiji Co. said it was recalling their canned powdered milk for infants as a precaution because of small amounts of radiation found in their baby formula. Which may explain why so many mothers were giving the formula such glowing reviews.

Trump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business: Amidst reports of plummeting occupancy rates due to his controversial presidential campaign, Trump Hotels have decided its new facilities will no longer bear the Trump name. In addition to changing the hotel name, they might also want to think about removing the Vladimir Putin portraits hanging in the Presidential Suites.

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Republican Christian Activist Says If He Dies - Blame Hillary: During a recent broadcast, Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt (R) told listeners on his “Pray In Jesus Name” show that 53 people with ties to Clinton have mysteriously died, so should he somehow end up dead - you know who to blame. My God, according to the last census, there’s 7200 people still living in or around Clinton, Illinois. Somebody ought to warn them. It kind of makes you wonder, isn’t Obama responsible for anything anymore? Oh wait, he’s not running for anything.

Two thirds of World’s Vertebrate Wildlife Will Be Lost by 2020: A new report from the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) predicts that by the end of the decade, 67% of all vertebrate wildlife will be lost. Perhaps, but it just seems impossible that so many could be lost when apps like Google Maps and Waze are everywhere.

Catholic Church Announces New Guidelines on Cremation: The Vatican has just issued a new decree with the intent to discourage Catholics from choosing cremation over burial, pointing out that burial prevents us from forgetting our loved one. Because the best way to remember someone is to dig a deep hole in the ground, throw them into it, and then cover them up with dirt.