Pilot Emergency Lands Hot Air Balloon in Alligator Pond

Pilot Emergency Lands Hot Air Balloon in Alligator Pond: International Business Times is reporting that a hot air balloon, carrying 16 passengers and a pilot, was forced to make an emergency landing in an alligator-infested pond near Disney World in Orlando. Well, bet that was a pleasant surprise for the gators to learn that breakfast is being flown in for them this morning. I can see the gators asking “say, did anyone order a bucket of tourists, with an extra order of white folks?"

Study Finds Indigestion Pills Can Cause Early Death: A new study found that people taking common heartburn and indigestion medication are 25 percent more likely to die in the next six years. Ah, come on! Is there nothing safe anymore? I mean its getting to the point where if the terrorists, pollution, heart disease, traffic accidents, violent criminals, global warming, exploding cellphones, asteroids, supervolcanoes, falls from ladders, great white sharks or rattlesnakes don't get ya - then Prilosec will.

Judge Rules Florida's Stand Your Ground Law Unconstitutional: A judge in Florida has ruled that the state's updated "stand your ground" law, which required prosecutors to disprove a defendant's self-defense case at pretrial hearings, is unconstitutional, setting up a showdown that could make its way to the state's top court. One thing’s for sure, in a state like Florida where sinkholes are constantly swallowing up everything from cars to houses, “standing your ground” can become rather difficult. While I’m certainly no authority on the legality of “stand your ground” laws, I do know one thing - you definitely don’t wanna “grab your ground” during one of Florida’s electrical storms.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Fox Fires its Head of Sports Programming: Fox has fired Sports Programming head Jamie Horowitz a week after the network began investigating allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace in its sports division. Well, when you consider sexual harassment has always been sort of a sport in and of itself over at Fox, I guess having it occur in their sports division just makes sense.

White House Denies Office of Science and Technology Now Empty: The White House is denying reports by former staffers that one division within the Office of Science and Technology Policy is now completely unstaffed and empty. The White House claims its all just a misunderstanding and the only reason the office is currently vacant is that their top scientist Ken Ham had a few issues to attend to at his Ark Encounter Theme Park back in Kentucky before he begins his stint as chief science advisor to the President.

Starbucks Worker Who Mysteriously Vanished During Break Found Alive: A North Carolina Starbucks worker who clocked out for a scheduled break and never returned has been found alive nearly a week later nearly 200 miles away in Virginia Beach. I don’t wanna sound critical, but I ordered a latte earlier this evening at a Starbucks here in LA and I could swear by the time I finally got my drink, I believe my barista could have walked to Virginia Beach and back - perhaps even taking time out for a quick swim in the Atlantic.

Billionaire Peter Thiel Funding Effort to Resurrect Woolly Mammoth: Silicon Valley titan and Trump supporter Peter Thiel, has reportedly invested $100,000 in a project which hopes to bring the extinct mammoth back to life. Makes sense. After all, the Trump administration is trying to escort us all back to the Middle Ages, so why stop there? May as well head right on back to the ice age while we’re at it. Sharpen your stone tools and I’ll get a fire started in the cave. Let’s make Pangaea great again! But I don’t think Peter Thiel has to bring back the Woolly Mammoth to make Trump people happy. Hell, I’m sure most Trump supporters would be quite content just to have their Member’s Only jackets come back in style again.

Start-Up Wants to Send Your Remains Into Space: A start-up company says they will launch your cremated remains into low orbit which will circle the Earth for a few months before re-entry into the atmosphere and finally burn up in an awesome fireball, all for the low, low price of $1,990. Sounds like the perfect ending for my life - spend my last two grand to end up as a cheap fireworks display over suburban Cincinnati.

Republican Senator Rails Against People With Pre-Existing Conditions: During an interview with Meet the Press, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) complained about how Obamacare rules forbid insurance companies from charging more for people with pre-existing conditions, pointing out that people with pre-existing conditions should be considered like “somebody who crashes their car” for insurance purposes. Good grief, sounds like Senator Johnson does most of his thinking with his Johnson. I wonder if that’s considered a pre-existing condition?

Mets Promote Tim Tebow to Advanced: Even though his stats still are underwhelming, the Mets have promoted former Heisman Trophy winner and former NFL star Tim Tebow up to the Advanced A St Lucie Mets. All I know is, after that last series with the Dodgers, the Mets could probably use someone with Tebow’s close ties to Jesus on their side.

English Woman Claims Her Cat is 28-Years-Old: A woman in England is claiming that her female cat is about to celebrate her 28th birthday, which would make it the oldest cat in the world. Wonder how that translates into Keith Richards years?

Study Finds Sex Doesn’t Actually Sell Products: Researchers analyzed nearly 80 advertising studies published over the past 30 years and found that while people often remember a particularly racy ad, that frequently doesn’t translate into customers actually buying the product that the advertiser is selling. I totally agree. I recently saw an ad featuring a very sexy woman eating a burger and, instead of going right out and ordering a burger, I made an appointment at the local day spa for a colon hydrotherapy session.

Bulgaria Launches First Communications Satellite: A previously-flown SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket climbed into orbit from Florida’s east coast with Bulgaria’s first communications satellite designed to boost Bulgarian television signals. All I can say is, I never dreamed I’d live to see the day when I’d be able to watch live Bulgarian television shows, right in the comfort of my own home. Wonder if their shows are in color?

Buffett Donates $1.52 Billion to Gates Foundation: Warren Buffett is continuing to make good on his promise to donate most of his wealth to charity, donating $1.52 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Sort of makes you wonder why Bill and Melinda Gates would need a foundation. They seem to be doing just fine on their own.

Mice Found Nibbling on Dementia Patient At Nursing Home: A dementia patient in Alberta is being treated for infection after being found with mice nibbling on her face at a long-term care facility. Fortunately, the issue will be resolved soon as a “crazy cat lady” is scheduled to move into the facility later this month.

USGS Accidentally Alerts Earthquake That Hit in 1925: The U.S. Geological Survey accidentally sent out an alert about a 6.8-magnitude earthquake that actually occurred off the coast of Santa Barbara nearly 100 years ago in 1925. To make matters worse, all attempts to inform President Coolidge of the disaster have so far failed.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Gunman Kidnaps Family and Forces Them to Shop at Target: A North Carolina man has been arrested for kidnapping a family and then forcing them to go shopping with him at Target. Good grief, I realize these big box stores are getting desperate for customers, but kidnapping a family by gunpoint and forcing them to shop at Target has to be about the worst marketing strategy ever.

New Evidence of Cat Domestication Found in China: Archaeologists in China have unearthed the first clear evidence of cats living among humans as semi-domesticated mousers about 5300 years ago. Scientists say they hope to one day use this data to reconstruct what life must have been like for cats before they came to prominence on YouTube and Facebook.

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Hire Surrogate: Kim Kardashian is claiming she has a condition called “placenta accreta,” which makes it dangerous for her to carry another child, so she and Kanye have now hired a surrogate to carry their third child. If I’m correct, I believe “placenta accreta" is Italian for “why should I go through another nine months of carrying a kid when I can just pay someone to do it for me?”