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Queen Elizabeth II Marks 65 Years on Britain’s Throne
A satirical look at current events!
Queen Elizabeth II Marks 65 Years on Britain’s Throne: Queen Elizabeth II is about to commemorate her 65th year on the throne. Good grief, 65 years? Hell, my legs go numb after about 20 minutes. Maybe she should consider eating a bit more fiber!
Chelsea Clinton And Kellyanne Conway Battle On Twitter: Chelsea Clinton and Kellyanne Conway have been trading barbs on Twitter over Conway’s factious “Bowling Green Massacre,” which was used to justify President Trump’s immigrant ban. That said, I think a hell of a lot of people are gonna side with Kellyanne Conway on this one. But don’t take my word for it, ask Frederick Douglas.
EPA Warns of Acidic Coastal Waters: The EPA is warning states that the rising acidity in coastal waters is rapidly becoming a threat to local aquatic life. The agency says if the acidity gets any worse, they may have no choice but to start dumping Maalox into coastal waters.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Trump Tweets He Calls His Own Shots: In response to reports that Steve Bannon is really running things in the White House, President Trump tweeted that “I call my own shots - largely based on an accumulation of data.” Oh, his executive decisions are definitely based on a massive accumulation of something, but I don’t think the word “data” best describes what that is.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Tiger Attack At Zoo Leaves Worker Seriously Injured: A female employee of an Interactive Zoological Park in Oklahoma has been hospitalized and her arm possibly severed after sticking her hand inside the tiger cage. In all fairness, the big cat has always made it perfectly clear he doesn’t accept “hand-outs.”
British House Cat Turns 27: A British house cat has just celebrated his 27th birthday, possibly making him the world's oldest feline. The cat is reportedly fond of telling younger cats how - back in the day - he had to walk 5 miles through the snow and ice for a can of Friskies.”
Kellyanne Conway Fabricates Bowling Green Massacre: In an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway fabricated a “Bowling Green massacre” in an attempt to justify Donald Trump’s new immigration ban. Oh sure, the Bowling Green massacre? What crazy stories will these people come up with next - cats in the Westminster Dog Show? Hell, is it any wonder Trump lost the popular vote with so many of his supporters wiped out in the “Bowling Green massacre?”
Smokeless Tobacco Co Issues Recall Over Metal Fragments: Altria, the company behind popular smokeless tobacco brands such as Skoal, Copenhagen, Cope and Husky, has issued a voluntary recall across six states after consumers complained of sharp metal objects in cans of their product. Only a six state recall? I’m guessing that means everyone else in the other 44 states are OK with chewing shrapnel.
New Guidelines Warn Against Cotton Swabs to Clean Ears: Updated clinical guidelines recently published caution that people should refrain from using cotton swabs to clean wax from their ears, as they can cause cuts in ear canals, perforate our eardrums and dislocate our hearing bones. Doctors say the danger exists, even for those using Gwyneth Paltrow’s private brand 1500-thread count, 100% Egyptian Cotton swabs sold only at Nordstrom.
Changes in the Sun's Activity Threatens Earth's Electronics: According to new research, shifts in solar activity could make the sun a serious threat as early as midcentury to those electronic devices upon which society has become so dependent. Terrific, as if we didn't already have enough to worry about, now we have to make sure our cellphones, laptops and smartwatches don’t get a sunburn?
Study Claims Dinosaurs Died a Very Cold Death: New research using state-of-the-art computer simulations indicates the dinosaurs probably died a very cold death as the Earth’s surface air temperature dropped by at least 79 degrees Fahrenheit after a massive asteroid hit Earth 65 million years ago. Makes sense they’d freeze to death when you consider how difficult it would have been for dinosaurs to get ahold of any heating oil back in those days - especially given it was the poor dinosaurs themselves who ended up actually becoming heating oil. Hell, they didn’t even have snow shovels back in those days. It would have been nearly impossible for any of them to get back and forth to work.
News Corp Announces Big Changes for Wall Street Journal: In an attempt to be more supportive of the new administration, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp has decided to completely drop all business reporting in its Wall Street Journal in order to focus completely on the progress of President Trump’s beautiful new Mexican border wall - this dramatic move will include changing the paper’s historic name from the The Wall Street Journal to simply “The Wall Journal.”
Stores Pulling Nutella After Report Links It To Cancer: Nutella, the popular hazelnut spread, is being removed from supermarket shelves around the world as a result of a report that suggested one of its main ingredients - palm oil - has been linked to cancer. Makes sense to me! I live in California where they have palm trees everywhere and there’s no question that some of the people living in California have cancer.
Westminster Dog Show to Include Cats This Year: The New York Times is reporting that cats will be joining the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show this year for the first time in its 140-year history. Personally, I would’ve gone with ponies instead of cats - that way, it could’ve been a “dog and pony show.” But gee, there’s just so much love in the world. Makes you wonder why the Patriots and Falcons don’t allow the Red Sox to join them in the Super Bowl? I mean, why limit the thing to two football teams?
Stroke Victim Loses Ability to Feel Sadness: A 68-year-old British man who suffered a stroke in the emotion-controlling frontal lobe of his brain in 2004, discovered that he had completely lost the ability to feel sadness or depression of any kind. Gee, bet this guy’s an absolute riot at funerals.
Humans Evolved From Tiny Sea Creature With No Anus: In a study published in Nature, scientists say the earliest known ancestor of humans was a sea creature a millimeter in size that most likely lacked an anus. No doubt even Darwin would be impressed to think we’ve come all the way from a sea creature with no anus - to Kim Kardashian.
Space Flight Found to Shrink Astronauts' Brain Size: According to a University of Michigan study, analyzed scans of people who’d spent long periods of time in space found the volume of grey matter in their brains had actually decreased. In fact, one astronaut who’d spent a prolonged period of time on the International Space Station, was found to have lost so much brain matter that when he returned to Earth, he tried to convince NASA that the Earth was flat, the Apollo moon landing was faked and the 2016 Cleveland Browns were the greatest football team of all-time.
