Sex Kills

In 1994 one of my favorite artists and one of the people who, I feel, has a much better microscope than most anyone else I can think of (she barely misses the falling of a leaf) put out a new album, “Turbulent Indigo”. On it was a song, “Sex Kills” which wasn’t my favorite melody on the album but it was hard to find anything but wisdom and truth in the lyrics. It’s a combination I’ve come to expect from Joni Mitchell.

It was 1994 but by the lyrics you’d think it was 2017. It wasn't; it’s anywhere, anytime in our society. Pick an Age-- Bronze, Gold, Dark, Iron. Pick a century or a decade…it doesn’t matter. It’s a little thing called human nature, and the institutionalized hierarchy of our culture.

"Sex Kills"

I pulled up behind a Cadillac

We were waiting for the light

And I took a look at his license plate

It said, "Just Ice"

Is justice just ice?

Governed by greed and lust?

Just the strong doing what they can

And the weak suffering what they must?

Oh, and the gas leaks

And the oil spills

And sex sells everything

Sex kills

Doctors' pills give you brand new ills

And the bills bury you like an avalanche

And lawyers haven't been this popular

Since Robespierre slaughtered half of France!

And Indian chiefs with their old beliefs know

The balance is undone, crazy ions

You can feel it out in traffic

Everyone hates everyone

And the gas leaks

And the oil spills

And sex sells everything

Sex kills

All these jack-offs at the office

The rapist in the pool

Oh, and the tragedies in the nurseries

Little kids packin' guns to school

The ulcerated ozone

These tumors of the skin

This hostile sun beating down on

Massive mess we're in

And the gas leaks

And the oil spills

And sex sells everything

And sex kills

Sex kills

Sex kills

Oh, sex kills

Sex kills

Raise your hand if you think sex is a good thing in our society. Not the practical aspect of it that leads to bringing more humans into the world but the emotional, social, and structural aspects of it that happen between two people. Does anyone ever take a final tally on who the winners are and who are the losers? Our culture is very obsessed with quantifying gains and losses, whether it be about money, sports, academics, etc.and many other things in our society but no one does an “autopsy” after a sex act takes place. By “autopsy” I mean what is the result after the sex is done? What are the participants left with? Well, I wouldn’t say it is a zero sum game but it too often resembles one….too often the gains by one party (the man) are the “losses” by the other (woman).

On balance, does sex contribute to a greater civility between man and woman? Does it increase the sincerity between men and women? Does it make relationships between men and women more honest? Is it too often a hunter/hunted dynamic?

Imagine, what % of sex is gratifying for both participants….? I would say that across the globe the % of sex that is gratifying for men is close to 100%. Just take my word for it, whereas, I would say the % of sexual encounters that are gratifying, pleasurable, empowering, etc., for women is pitifully small. And, how could we then wonder why men are in total charge on this planet… Women have to tell themselves that they need to turn their bodies over to their spouses whenever they are summoned....it's an unwritten rule of marriage...you "give it up" for the man. That takes a tremendous toll in many areas of human interaction. It reinforces entitlement. It reinforces subservience. It reinforces objectification, and the very subtle manifestations of possession. Men want sex in all forms and they want it very, very, often: with wives (for awhile), girlfriends, best friends of girlfriends, sisters of girlfriends, strangers, professionals, with the help of booze, drugs, wealth, power, coercion, a strong arm, etc.. They'll oftentimes destroy their family, their reputation, their job--they will even risk going to jail in order to have sex. Love is completely irrelevant to the act. In fact, if truth is unveiled, we can say that men want sex even when it is not consensual. A poll (cited below) taken at a fraternity recently (small sample size) showed that 33% of the men polled would have sex with a girl against her will if he knew that he could get away with it.* For those who need further clarity, having sex with a girl without her consent is called "rape". Sex with someone too young to consent is called "rape". That is incredibly disturbing. It is incredibly sobering. It’s frightening. That revelation is almost too much to absorb. It means that some men (roughly 1/3 of men according to this poll) are so possessed by sex that they are willing to subject the women/girl to violence, humiliation, and incredible emotional and physical pain in order to have it. They'll have it with underaged (children) girls (much more common than we imagine). In other words, they can live with themselves if they commit this act of rape on a woman as long as they are not discovered by anyone other than the victim. How do we, as men and women, wrap our heads around that? How do we get out of bed in the morning?

It's subhuman and socipathic. There is a desire that is so controlling and so powerful that an uncomfortable % of us (men) are willing to violate the other (physically weaker) human being. By any measurement it shows that men are under the control of their impulses. We are slaves of our desire for sex. We are powerless to the forces that too often override our senses of humanity, compassion, and self respect. In the pursuit of sex almost nothing can humiliate a man….just read the papers if you want to have a miniscule window to that reality. And, I haven't even discussed sexual abuse that takes place within one's own family. It would be staggering to know how many uncles and fathers, etc., sexually abuse their nieces, daughters, etc.. It is hard to calculate the damage to a young girl (or boy's) development when they are sexually abused as a child. That crime deserves a life sentence behind bars in my opinion. It's long past time to get serious about this.

What is it that differentiates us from mere animals? I think, among other things, it is our ability to think critically….it is our ability to rise above the instinctual, to rise above the programming. With animals (cats, dogs, fish, buffalo, etc.) we have in common the instinctual desire to stay alive, and to make more of (us)…..in many ways animals do this and not much else. A salmon does some crazy stuff because it is programmed in their DNA…they swim around for awhile and eat and then they swim up a horrendous current to lay eggs and die. Who would choose that fate? Any salmon in charge of his own faculties would find a better way to spend his last days. They don’t dream, they don’t aspire. They have no conscience. Salmon have no “faculties” of their own…they might as well be under remote control. Even when building a shelter (beavers, birds, etc.) they are doing it with instinct. It’s in their programming. They are like actors in a play following a script. They aren’t picking out color swatches, and rugs that match the furniture…..they are just getting it done. They don’t even know why. They just follow their inner directive. Plants do the same thing…they look for sunlight….they grow towards the sunlight. It’s not a conscious decision. The (script) says "stay alive and propagate". Everything else is immaterial.

But, WE are humans; we are “stardust”; we are “golden”, to yet again quote Joni. We invented the light bulb and the iphone. We sent a rocket ship to the moon and we walked around on it and returned to earth. We have unraveled the double helix and harnessed the incredibly sublime restoring powers of stem cells. We compose symphonies and we write operas (and some of us look for meaning and purpose to our existence). We have the capability to direct our own lives in immeasurable ways, untapped ways....to be creative and inquisitive and to make autonomous decisions based on principles and morality, etc.. We are able to, if we are disciplined and cognitive, to rise above instinct and programming (completely). The more I submit to instincts at the expense of reason and critical thinking (and dignity) the more I am like those animals….If I gain control and mastery over my ability to direct my actions and thoughts and live a life based on principles and values and compassion, and the “greatest good”, then I can live a more meaningful, dignified, elevated life……I can separate myself from a mere organism….and who knows, maybe I can walk with “Gods”.

Certainly if you have belief in a God or Supreme Being the notion of “rising above” earthly desires and controls is something familiar. But, even for those who feel unsure of a divine plan it would seem to be highly important to live the most dignified and autonomous and thoughtful life possible. Too often I question if this is true in our society. Even among our most celebrated male citizens we often see an out of control obsession with sex and hedonism, a consciousness that is centered in the groin. It keeps us very tied to the earth, the ground…and not to our higher forms of consciousness. Sex is mindless. It asks nothing of us but to imitate donkeys and hyenas. It is mind numbing and it comes at the expense of more ethereal pursuits. It keeps us in an animal state....it keeps our eyes gazed on the groin, in the ground, not to the stars.

“Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter” - Yoda

It is hard not to notice men who are doing whatever they can in a social setting to acquire an “object” with which to have sex. They’ll wear any color….show any side of themselves, change their personality, inflate their wealth and status, lift weights, etc., to increase their chances of being able to have an orgasm in a woman’s body. I ask you, is an orgasm not the most selfish act that one can experience? At that moment there is total self consciousness. It's totally a "ME" moment disguised as a sharing. It is not a mutual act of giving. It is very unlike caressing or kissing in that an orgasm leads you to think of your own pleasure (exclusively). It just isn’t a very elevated form of communication between two people. It isn’t a true exchange….We are sold that it is…because that serves the man.

Sex can happen in all kinds of unsavory ways (and it often does). Rape and prostitution are two examples where there is no interest to convey intimacy to the women….you don't even need the woman to be conscious....there is no expression or connection. It is strictly an act of intercourse, it is unemotional and mechanical….but, intimacy--touching, kissing, are much more likely to be an exchange…it is much more of a collaboration….Sex, as stated earlier, is something that we have in common with animals….anyone can do it….it takes no skill whatsoever. It takes no sincerity. It's the most base level instinct we have, like going to the bathroom, even.......it’s not like creating something or an act of accomplishment like climbing a mountain or feeding the homeless or making pottery.

How often in our society is sex really an exchange, a mutual exchange? I think it is a very low percentage. I would bet that women have many more experiences of sex that are submissive or obligatory than participatory and enjoyable. They may be consensual but they are not participatory. What is the cost when women have sex when they are just turning themselves over to a man who wants to complete the act of sex? I think the cost is very high….just think of how the act of sex works…it is penetrating of a part of a man into the body of a submitting woman…that is more than just a powerful metaphor, that's power. It is the ultimate act of man’s power over woman…if somehow it worked the other way and women forced something of theirs inside a man who is in a vulnerable, submissive position I bet there would be a very different emotional dynamic between men and women. Imagine how powerful it feels for a man to hover over a woman and literally inject a part of himself into a woman’s body with the potential of impregnating her. It’s a de facto “calling card”. It is an incredibly vulnerable and submissive position to which a woman is subjected. It's a tremendous responsibility for the man to do this in a way that is not subordinating to the woman. If you think I am wrong then contemplate for a moment how long man has had dominion over women...for how many thousands of years has man subordinated woman and kept them on their knees looking up, for permission, for approval, and a pat on the head. And so it is with daily, thoughtless, sex. Imagine how it is for women....happening day after day for years…..a woman submits at the whim of the man’s primal desires and she is an (object). Dignity should never be dismissed...NEVER, certainly not for something so petty as a man's sexual indulgences. If he was out feeding the homeless then, maybe. If there is no thought of the connection with the woman then it is objectification. If it is merely a sexual exercise and the man doesn't consider if the woman is emotionally committed then it is objectification, plain and simple. That has to have an incredibly subjugating affect on a girl or woman…it can’t lend itself to a high sense of dignity and self respect, can it?

And, how proud can a woman feel about being with a man who even wants to have sex with someone who is just submitting? It makes the man look like that animal that has no self control. How appealing can that be?

Sex is used all across the globe as the number one way to control women…in Latin America, the Middle East, Asia, Africa, women have very little power over their own bodies….sex trafficking is a giant global problem. So is female genital mutilation. In many cultures a man basically owns the rights to a woman’s body if they are married….it is only slightly better in the western world…women are assaulted, raped, coerced, controlled, by men on a regular basis….1 in 5 girls on college campuses in THIS country will be sexually assaulted….hardly any of these will be reported and the consequence for the perpetrators is almost zilch. It’s a horrible commentary on a society…it doesn’t suggest that we are civilized. It suggests to me that we are uncivilized, barbaric.

How would it feel to spend time with someone and develop what seems to be something meaningful and then realize that the only point to the relationship was to have sex? All the flowers and the dinners was merely to get you naked in bed...That can’t be empowering for women. It is the Modus Operandi for men….with few exceptions, very few. I can count on one hand the number of guys that I have known in my life who are sincere with girls and women. I know of almost no guys who would turn down consensual meaningless sex with someone they were attracted to.

It’s a sad state of affairs. The dynamic will be with us long after Trump leaves the White House….most of the world is grabbing pu**y, or trying to at all costs. It’s crude, uncivilized, juvenile, and highly disrespectful towards the weaker 50% of humanity. Is this what thousands of years of evolution has brought us to?

Where do we go from here?

"Every day a little death
In the parlor, in the bed
In the curtains, in the silver
In the buttons, in the bread

Every day a little sting
In the heart and in the head
Every move and every breath
And you hardly feel a thing
Brings a perfect little death"

-Stephen Sondheim

Food for thought. My opinions.

* https://thinkprogress.org/1-in...