Study Finds Universe Expanding 8% Faster Than Previously Believed

Study Finds Universe Expanding 8% Faster Than Previously Believed: According to a new study, data is showing that the universe is expanding about 8% faster than predicted. Gee, was it something I said? Things are getting pretty serious when even the universe seems to be saying “I need my space.”

Scientists Fear Zika May Be Transmitted Through Kissing: Amid growing concern over an increasing number of Zika cases in the Americas, scientists are now cautioning that the usually mosquito-borne virus may also be transmitted through kissing. As a precaution, doctors are requesting that everyone refrain from kissing any mosquitos, regardless of how pretty they may be.

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Stephen Hawking Calls Trump a Demagogue: Famed British scientist Stephen Hawking says he doesn't understand how Donald Trump has gotten as far as he has, calling him “a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator.” The trouble is, the "lowest common denominator" is a yuuuuuge demographic in this country. On a positive note, no backlash against Hawking is expected given the fact that its extremely unlikely anyone in the Trump camp has any idea who Stephen Hawking is.

Data Shows Concussions On the Rise in the NFL: According to new data, NFL players endured 182 reported concussions in regular-season games this past season, a 58% rise over the previous year and the highest number in four years of record keeping. Experts close to the game say its almost enough to make your head spin. As a counter measure, an NRA spokesperson suggested teams consider just shooting opponents instead of tackling them.

Rio Olympics Are On Despite Zika Warnings: Despite mounting fears, officials say there are no plans to cancel the 2016 summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro because of the Zika outbreak. Olympic officials say about the only changes they’re planning is that all event winners will be given a free round of antibiotics along with their gold medals.

Human Remains Found in Freezer Bought at Yard Sale: A North Carolina woman, who bought a deep freezer for $30 at a yard sale, got quite a shock when she opened it to find a human foot inside. And that’s why its usually recommended that people check for cadavers before purchasing used freezers. Now, because she didn’t look first, she ends up getting stiffed on this freezer. Now, there’s not much the poor woman can do, but just chill. On a positive note, she only paid $30 for the freezer, so at least it didn’t cost her an arm or a leg. Police are searching for clues, but its obviously a cold case.

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Report Finds New Cars Still Installing Deadly Takata Airbags: According to a Senate report, new cars are still rolling off the assembly lines with deadly Takata airbags that likely will need to be replaced due to a high risk of deadly explosions. Auto company executives discount the threat, pointing out that someone’s much more likely to be killed blow drying their hair while in the bathtub.

Study Finds Early Retirement Leads to Early Death: Multiple studies have determined that people who retire early tend to die sooner than those who retire later. In related news, another study found that people who retire at any age are gonna die sooner - or later.