Politics & Government
Trump Settles Trump University Fraud Case for $25 Million
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Settles Trump University Fraud Case for $25 Million: President-elect Donald Trump has agreed to a $25 million settlement to end the fraud cases pending against his defunct real estate program Trump University. And now that he’s settled the fraud charges against him, its time to get busy cleaning up all the corruption in Washington.
Starbucks Requests No Guns in Their Stores: In response to the “open carry” movement popular in some areas, Starbucks chief executive Howard Schultz is asking customers of the coffee chain to honor his request to refrain from bringing loaded firearms into its stores. I see his point - it could get downright confusing for the baristas if someone requests an “extra shot” in their cappuccino.
Mike Huckabee Claims He Was Offered Cabinet Post: While appearing on “The O’Reilly Factor,” former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said President-elect Donald Trump offered him a Cabinet position but he declined because it wasn’t “the right fit.” A Trump spokesperson says the story is only half correct, pointing out that what actually happened was that Trump offered Huckabee one of the cabinets in his waiting room, but Huckabee didn’t think it would fit in his office.
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A&E Announces Duck Dynasty Will End After This Season: A&E announced that after five years, 130 episodes, the Robertson family and A&E have jointly decided that the reality series “Duck Dynasty” will come to an end after this season. Wow, no more “Duck Dynasty?” That just gives me goosebumps! To be honest, I’ve never really understood the show’s appeal, but then again, I’ve never been attracted to ducks.
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Mountain Lions Moving From Nevada to California: After a seven-year study, researchers say they were rather surprised to discover that a significant amount of mountain lions appear to be migrating from Nevada and taking up residence in California. Wildlife biologists say they’re still unsure as to the reason why, but there’s certainly no tax advantage for the move.
Scientists Grow Tiny Livers From Stem Cells: Scientists in Japan report that they have been successfully growing itty-bitty functioning livers from stem cells in a petri dish. I can’t help but feeling this may just be the perfect Christmas gift for anyone who feels that their liver is way too big.
Earliest-Known Ten Commandments Fetches $850,000: The world’s oldest-known stone carrying the full inscription of the Ten Commandments has sold for $850,000 at a Beverly Hills auction. Now I won’t pretend to claim I’ve kept all the commandments, but I can report that so far I’ve been pretty damn good about not “coveting thy neighbor’s man-servant.”
Trump Selects Mike Flynn As National Security Adviser: Its being reported that President-elect Donald Trump has offered controversial retired Army Lt. Gen. and Putin ally Mike Flynn the position of national security adviser. While Trump people officially say no final decision has been made, insiders are claiming he’s “in like Flynn.”
Facelift Results Don't Make People Look More Attractive: According to a new study, those who receive facelifts may look a bit more youthful, but they don't end up looking more attractive after all that nipping and tucking. Researchers say the bottom line is, there’s not much point in “lifting” ugly.
German Scientists Discover Shortest Unit Of Time Ever: Scientists in Munich have, for the first time, been able to measure something in a zeptosecond, or a trillionth of a billionth of a second. Researchers say they need units of measurement down to this scale if they are to accurately measure the attention span of American voters. Makes you wonder why something like this wasn't discovered by American scientists. Guess they just didn't have the time.
Stephen Hawking Puts An Expiration Date On Humanity: During a recent speech at Oxford University, famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking says he believes humanity will become extinct in less than a thousand years, unless we colonize somewhere else in space. Yeah, let’s go screw up some other planet too. On the other hand, considering the election results, mass extinction doesn’t look all that bad after all.
Claude Monet Painting Fetches $81.4M in New York: A painting from famed impressionist Claude Monet's acclaimed "Grainstack Series” fetched a whopping $81.4 million at Christie's New York auction of impressionist and modern art. Hell, anyone can get big bucks for a Monet. Now let’s see them try and get that kind of money for something I’ve drawn.
Pics Show Contrast Between Madonna’s Youngish Face and Aging Hands: Several news outlets have been pointing out the obvious contrast between pop icon Madonna’s youngish face and what appears to be her aging hands in a recently published pic. Well, she’s obviously had a facelift and a boob job, perhaps its time for a hand job.
Pepper Spray Inventor Unhappy With Its Use as Offense Weapon: Inventor Kamran Logman, says he created pepper spray to prevent imminent injury, but over the last decade the spray has been frequently misused as an offensive weapon. Logman says perhaps the cruelest use of his invention is the new “salt and pepper spray,” which, when used against beautiful, young actors and actresses, can instantly turn them into middle-aged looking men and women with gray hair.
Breast Augmentation Market Grows From High Tech Innovations: Led by new innovations such as apps which show patients how different styles of implants would look on them, adjustable size implants in case of buyer’s remorse and 3-D printed nipples made from skin cells, the breast implant market is expected to grow a whopping 10.8% per year through 2020. Analysts say the market has already grown two full cup sizes this year alone. That said, investors are cautioned that breast augmentation will always be a boom or bust industry.
Trump Picks White Nationalist Hero Steve Bannon: In what will surely be considered a controversial move, President-elect Donald Trump has selected white nationalist hero and executive chairman of Breitbart News’ Steve Bannon as his chief strategist and senior counselor. Rounding out other appointments, Trump has pegged militia leader Ammon Bundy to be Secretary of Defense, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck as Secretary of Steak and comedian Don Rickles as Secretary of Insults.
Trump Asking His Children Be Granted Top Secret Clearances: Reports are surfacing that President-elect Donald Trump is requesting his children be granted top secret security clearances, which would give them access to America’s top secrets and information. In response to criticism, a Trump family spokesperson sought to assure the public that any classified information will go no further than Trump’s immediate family and a few of their closest friends.
Five Severed Heads Found in Acapulco: Mexican police are reporting finding five severed heads in front of a primary school in the Mexican coastal resort of Acapulco. Well, if anyone’s considering a trip down to Acapulco, this will definitely give them a head start.
Recording of Alexander Graham Bell Released: The Smithsonian National Museum of American History has released a voice recording of Alexander Graham Bell from 1885, marking the first time most people have ever heard the phone inventor’s actual voice. And the immortal words he uttered in that historic recording still ring true today - “Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?”
Death Threats Over Armrest Elbow Quarrel: The Associated Press is reporting that a 60-year-old Salt Lake City man is under felony arrest after threatening a seat mate on a Las Vegas-bound flight over who gets to use the armrest. Fellow passengers say the Salt Lake City man appeared to be “well armed.”
Montana Senate Passes Roadkill-Salvage Bill: Three years after Montana passed a bill permitting residents to harvest the carcasses of large animals such as elk, moose, deer, and antelope for food, roadkill permits are soaring. Local officials say everyone appears to be quite happy about the new law except the buzzards, who seem to have an attitude of “we don’t need no stink’n permits.”
Trump Victory Sparks Huge Spike in Suicide Hotline Calls: Its being reported that the number of Americans calling suicide crisis hotlines spiked dramatically on election night after it became clear that Donald Trump was going to pull off a stunning upset win. And while that may be true for some, its important to remember that for all our Republican friends, this long, national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.
