Dealing With and Planning for Aging: Early Conversations Can Prevent Problems Later

How do you care for aging parents?

What do you tell them when discussing their wills or estate plans?

Where else can they go when they no longer can live in your home or by themselves?

And when should all these thorny conversations begin?

Those were some of the vexing questions that drew more than two dozen people to "Our Seniors Matter," a special workshop sponsored by the Manhattan Beach Chamber of Commerce and held at the Silverado Senior Living Center in Redondo Beach.

The Wednesday morning session, which focused on elder care and the role of adult children, featured an array of speakers with expertise in law, real estate, social work, senior care and other areas that touch on the lives of the oldest members of the community and their families.

The single thread that seemed to join the presentations and discussion was an acknowledged sense of urgency that a meaningful conversation is needed between adult children and their parents who may be advancing in age while experiencing increasing mental and physical problems.

“How early should I be intervening with my parents?” moderator Virginia Green, a therapist and psychologist, asked the audience. “Basically, the answer is the earlier the better.”

Green, whose practice includes families as well as an 86-year-old client, said that adult children should not fear that conversation with their parents but embrace it before it’s too late.

“Learn how to talk to your parents about the tough issues because it’s easier sooner,” she said. “It gets much harder later.”

Speaker Carrie Bianco, the owner of Always Best Care Senior Services, agreed that it was important to tackle topics such as what to do when a loved one becomes mentally or physically incapacitated and to discuss end-of-life issues.

Bianco, whose firm specializes in in-home care and placing people in assisted or independent living facilities, said that her business grew out of her personal experience and “denial” of the effects that Alzheimer’s was having on her godmother.

The importance is to treat the aging parent with “dignity and respect,” especially one with dementia or Alzheimer’s, she said. Deciding matters such as whether that parent should remain where he or she is or be given a higher level of care should be a group decision.

“It should not be a singular decision or choice,” said Bianco. “There’s a lot of family in here and it’s going to affect everyone, so it should be collectively looked at, not from an emotional state but a sensitive state.”

Grappling with an increasingly older population is already a challenging task in the Beach Cities as elsewhere.

In one measure of the local population, the 2000 Census showed that 10.4% of Manhattan Beach’s nearly 33,900 residents were 65 years or older.  In Redondo Beach, that number was 8.5% of 63,300 residents.

The other speakers at the workshop included Sandy Chun, a trust and estate attorney from Torrance. She stressed that families should be wary of conservatorships that can complicate matters and suggested careful planning well ahead of time.

But she also said that when it comes to handling the estates of aging parents “the emphasis should be on protecting their dignity,” an approach that would only help everyone in the end.

“It would help make the transfer smooth and not leave the family to pick up the pieces,” she said.

Another speaker, Carol Glover, a real estate broker and attorney, had the same cautionary note that adult children and families should ask questions to better understand their parents’ properties and legal complexities beforehand so as not to become mired in any problems later.

Finally, when it came to suggestions for those looking for senior care alternatives, Mary Ellen Brooks of the Silverado Senior Living Beach Cities facility cited it as one possibility for people with Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease and memory disorders.

“We focus on the quality of life not quantity,” said Brooks, the director of resident and family services, at the assisted living facility.  

After the workshop, she took people on a tour of the two-year-old facility that has 64 residents and enough beds for 88 people. Another residential section is also planned, Brook said.

She said residents, depending upon their function level and interests, can be involved in activities such as games, music or pet companionship. Silverado also provides hospice care and at-home care if needed, she said.

Dayla Cabeza de Vaca was among those who felt more informed following the workshop.

“This is an important topic, especially for those of us who are just beginning to think about this with our own parents aging,” said the 33-year-old financial planner.

Jim Slay was also happy to participate in the workshop.  As director of senior programs for the Torrance Hospital IPA Medical Group, small multi-specialty physician-run practice association, his job involves 5,200 seniors in the South Bay, including many in the Beach Cities.

Slay champions a greater connection with seniors.  “Some of them are widowed, isolated, lonely, depressed, sometimes turning to alcohol or substance abuse.  And what happens is they do this in silence,” he said.

Slay, 77, added that his own conversations with his four grown children bolsters his belief that candid discussions are a necessity before an aging parent’s mental capacity becomes too diminished or physical health too frail.

So what does he suggest?

“I give this simple advice,” he said. “Be open, honest, direct and timely.  Don’t wait.”