It's Not Selfish to be Self-full: Top Ten Tips for Sandwiched Women

No need to look up "self-full" in the dictionary - you won't find it. And it's also not likely to be in the vocabulary of women who are pulled between their careers, children, parents, spouse or even grandchildren. No matter what age women have attained, many still act the part of the 'good girl,' responding to the needs of others first. It's fitting that these multitasking women are called the Sandwich Generation - since a sandwich often means a quick bite to eat on the run for those who don't have the time for a sit-down meal.

No matter what challenges you face in your career and at home with children growing up and parents growing older, it's not selfish to set aside time for a taste of healthy self-fullness. Vow to put your feet up and think about yourself for once. What brings you happiness? What relieves the stress you face every day? What will bring balance to your life? These ten tips will guide you as you make plans to nourish yourself.

1. You don't have to cope alone - whether you are changing jobs, having a baby, facing an empty nest, welcoming a boomerang kid home, caring for a parent with Alzheimer's or anticipating your spouse's retirement. Find others in like situations or a women's group and gain emotional support as you share ideas.

2. Resolve to stay in contact with your friends - even if your calendar is full and your to-do list keeps growing. As caring for your family-in-flux requires more and more of your energy, you'll find friendships and the social support they provide can be a potent antidote to the toxins of daily hassles.  

3. Schedule in some quiet, private time to do something that gives you pleasure - take a walk by the water, enjoy the beauty of a sunset, immerse yourself in a good book. Think of this as a personal retreat that provides the opportunity to reconnect and re-center yourself.

4. Set your own reasonable standards rather than falling in the trap of trying to live up to others' expectations. Guilt runs rampant among caregivers who often worry that they're not doing enough for their loved ones. Remind yourself that you're dancing as fast as you can, given the realities of your life situation. You don't have to be the perfect mother, daughter, or wife.

5. Work to release additional areas of negativity - both in thought and emotions. When you're anxious about the future or angry about daily stresses, acknowledge these as normal reactions and accept that they will come and go. Frustrations and resentments make up part of the tapestry of your life but they need not be in the forefront. Once you understand they are common responses to a difficult situation, you will find it easier to let them fade.   

6. As you free yourself from negative feelings, begin to replace them with a more positive attitude. If you keep a journal, write about what you are grateful for in your life. End each evening by reviewing three pleasant things that happened that day and savor the warmth these memories generate. Let your creativity emerge as you explore new interests.

 7. Develop personal stress relievers to counteract the burnout that at times overwhelms you. Practice techniques of deep breathing, relaxation or your own form of meditation. Begin an exercise program that you will enjoy - commit to a schedule at the gym or take in the great outdoors, walking with a friend, biking in the neighborhood, hiking in the countryside on weekends.

8. Give yourself the gift of laughter - look for humor in your daily life, share a funny movie or television show with a friend, participate in activities that bring you joy. After you read the news section of your daily paper, turn to the Comics page to lighten your mood and release endorphins. Recent studies have found that a positive mood creates the atmosphere for better decision-making. 

9. Ask for what you need from your family members and seek out professionals for their expertise and guidance. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let your spouse, children and siblings know exactly how you feel, what you want from them, and how they can do their share.

10. Recognize that it is healthy to receive as well as to give. Taking help when it is offered doesn't diminish your abilities. Accept and integrate the admiration that others express for you. Relish the gratitude and love that your partner, parents and children demonstrate.

As you decide to take better care of yourself, you'll discover the strength to find balance in your life. Develop a firm core of self-fullness - it will sustain you as you continue to nurture your growing and changing family.

© 2011, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts who have developed a 4-step model for change. If you are coping with acting-out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have the solutions that make family rifts disappear. Visit our website, HerMentorCenter.com to subscribe to Stepping Stones, a free ezine and our blog, Family Relationships to receive practical tips and our free e-books, Courage and Lessons Learned and Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm.