Bribes or Rewards? The Most Effective Way to Motivate a Child's Good Behavior

Kim had a long list of errands and grocery shopping was her least favorite. Trips to the store with her three and five year old were frustrating. Demands for sugary cereal and snacks never seemed to stop. To stop the whining, she typically let each child choose a favorite. With the constant protesting taken care of, she could finish her shopping without distractions.

Kim may have put an end to the complaining for now, but chances are the kids will start up again the next time.  Why is that?

Kim bribed her kids.

To stop the fussiness Kim gave her kids what they wanted while they were misbehaving.  Giving in to a child’s demand when they are making a scene is called a bribe. When you propose a prize or payment of any sort during whining, temper tantrums, or inappropriate behavior you are offering a bribe.

Once you start, it can be hard to break the cycle. Children will come to expect a “this for that” arrangement, extorting compensation for something they should do in the first place-behave.

Feelings of uneasiness can accompany bribing.  It doesn’t seem right to have to entice a child to behave normally. You shouldn’t have to “bargain” to get cooperation. But sometimes desperation triggers the urge to bribe.

Any of these sound familiar?

• Your child is acting up in a restaurant and you offer to get them whatever they want to finish the meal in peace. 
• A play date starts to go badly and you agree to buy them a new toy if they share.
• Concerned over a relative’s opinion about your ability to discipline, you give a cookie to stop the temper tantrum.

Bribing is not effective in motivating good behavior because it doesn’t work long-term.  It simply reinforces bad habits and awards bad behavior. Bribes make your child feel powerful. The message a child receives is: “Fuss and I get my way!”  If a child believes temper tantrums and protesting result in getting their way, they will do it again. Bribes may offer a quick fix or a way to avoid embarrassing moments, but in fact they encourage misbehavior. If a child learns if they start whining they will get a treat in order to stop it, their whining will increase.

Whereas a bribe doesn’t result in motivating good behaviorlong-term, rewards do.

Rewards are not offered while a child misbehaviors. That would make them a bribe. What makes them a reward is they are given AFTER the good behavior has occurred. Rewards up the odds for continued good behavior. They are an incentive for doing something positive.

Adults are motivated by rewards in the form of promotions and raises and the pride that comes with a job well done. Children can also be motivated by rewards. Offered after the positive behavior has been demonstrated rewards encourage and reinforce appropriate. Children feel proud and have a sense of accomplishment when rewarded for doing something well.

Rewards are not about bargaining or negotiation. They are your decision offered whenever you think it’s appropriate.  Examples of rewards:

“When you put your toys away then we’ll have time for a story.”

“After you get dressed and brush your teeth, we can play a game together.”

“If you leave the park without an argument, we will have time to stop by the ice cream store.”

Tangible rewards are not offered too frequently.  Occasional rewarding of good behavior with material rewards works best to motivate continued good. Most of the time use praise and offering extra time with you as a primary reward for good behavior.

Offering rewards require advance planning, thought and a bit of creativity. Follow these tips on ways to use rewards thoughtfully and effectively.

Be encouraging

Use rewards when your child needs extra encouragement for something they are
working on such as potty training, giving up the pacifier, staying in a bed, brushing teeth or when they will be in a triggering situation that requires constraint like going to the grocery store or attending a playgroup.

Be specific

Let your child know the expectation ahead of time. Be specific and concrete about
what it is you want them to do.  “Please behave at the dinner table.” is too vague. Instead, “If you stay in your chair while we all eat together, you can choose your breakfast tomorrow.”

Be consistent

A promise needs action.Rewards for toddlers and preschoolers should be given shortly after the good behavior. If you won’t be able to fulfill it within a short, reasonable time frame don’t offer it.

Be aware

Notice good behavior. Catch your child in the act.  Showing extra attention and offering words of praise and affirmation are often the best kind of rewards. “Good sharing! “You did such a great job waiting your turn for the swing, that we can swing an extra five minutes before we have to go home.”

Be spontaneous

Rewards can be surprises.  An unexpected prize is a great treat.

Be creative

Rewards can be free. More time with Mommy or Daddy.  You can spend extra time playing a game together, give an extra song or story at bedtime, or enjoy a special outing.

Effective parenting is not giving gifts or treats to stop bad behavior. A bribe doesn’t translate into better future behavior. On the other hand, a reward given after the good behavior has been shown is an effective way to up the odds for long term good behavior.

No more bribing for Kim. Before shopping she now announces, “Let’s make this quick and fun. If I finish without hearing any whining, each of you will get one small treat. Can’t wait to see how good you will be in the store.”  

Janada Clark teaches parent education using Love and Logic at Stanford, preschools and schools in our community. She also teaches Baby Play and various workshops at Day One, a resource center for parents in Palo Alto. Her parent education classes are a well-respected resource for parents. Her next class begins in September and is listed on her website www.janadaclark.com If you’d like to schedule a complimentary parent coaching session to help with a parenting issue email her at clearpathcoaching@msn.com Visit her Facebook page www.facebook.com/clearpatheducation for parent testimonies or to post your parenting questions.