Thanksgiving is one of the most widely celebrated holidays of the year. We all have images of turkey dinners with friends and family members, and giving thanks for all that we have in our lives. However, Thanksgiving dinner also means that we have to interact with family members who get on our nerves (e.g., the uncle who makes inappropriate jokes), or there might be tension surrounding long-standing resentments or issues that "bubble up" during the dinner.
I offer two tips on "How to Get Through Thanksgiving Dinner"
Set up a Buddy System. Stress is like a volcano and if enough stress builds and builds, it’ll explode when you least expect it. So, the best way to combat stress is to practice strategies to cope with the stress rather than trying to ignore it.
Identify one other person going to dinner who you can identify as your “buddy”. Your buddy can be your partner/spouse, a sibling, friend, family member, or parent—just someone who you feel comfortable discussing how you feel and someone you trust when it becomes stressful at the dinner.
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Similar to the football games played on Thanksgiving Day, you and your buddy will discuss “red flags” that get your blood boiling, and you two will “game plan” or strategize on how to react. For example, it might be that if your buddy notices you are getting upset or angry, then you can make a plan to briefly check in with each other for a few minutes, or plan to take a quick walk around the block, or plan for your buddy to come over and join a difficult or tense conversation in order to diffuse the tension if it’s one specific person who rubs you the wrong way.
Think Big Picture. It’s often really hard to let go of past hurts, especially when the other party was in the wrong. But a good rule to keep in mind is “working to be effective versus needing to be right”. Yes, that family member said something that was hurtful and, yes, they should apologize and change their ways, but unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. We hold on to resentments, and these resentments can hold us back from enjoying other positive moments in life.
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Rather than choosing to stay angry, choose to step back and look at the bigger picture. For example, if you have children, step back and wonder-- “I am very angry at my father, but I know that my kids really enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner with their grandparents, so I’ll try to stay calm and go to the dinner for the sake of the kids”. Or even if you are dreading the dinner and seeing every other person except for your sister, try to imagine your sister’s face of happiness at seeing you at dinner. Most importantly, this tip does not mean that you ignore the hurts or anger, but rather, choose in that one moment to do what works for you.
Even if dinner didn’t go as you had hoped or planned, know that it was one night. Your life is made up of many other days and people who care and support you such as valued friends, loved ones, and co-workers. Take some time and talk to someone you trust such as a good friend, relative, or even your therapist, a few days after Thanksgiving dinner to reflect on your experience and to figure out what helped you to cope.
Happy Holidays to all!
Jennifer Y Nam, PhD