In The Eyes Of The Lord

Look, I got a right to say what I think and that means you can’t poke fun. You do then you’re takin’ away my first amendment and I only got the second left at that point. Now the second is far more important. Everybody knows that much. But I got something to say here.

Now, the notion of equality is pretty straight forward: one plus one is two. Unless, of course, both of the ones are male or both are female. That’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and any fool can see that ain’t two.

Now you want to say different and you’ll be infringing on my right to free speech. You are keeping me from practicing my religion. And before you start name callin‘, I never wore the robes in my life. I just read the Bible and know what’s what. I know what America is all about. It’s about freedom and equality and I don’t want to hear no liberal garbage like those commie Mayors in Boston and Chicago spew. Banning Chewin’ Chicken Fer Christ because it’s bigoted and morally reprehensible? Have you ever heard such talk? Who are these people to ban a completely legal business? Look it’s not like we’re talking about porn and pot shops here. It’s chicken. Jesus ate chicken.

I’ve been through the Bible most the way and it don’t say nothing about men marrying men being fine in the eyes of the Lord. That’s just sick and since America is a Christian Country founded on Christian values I think we should live by the Bible. That should be our law. The damn liberal socialists are running this country into the ground. It was them idiots who set the black folks free and they can vote now, but I hear they’re fixing that in Florida. What they outta fix is them boys being able to marry white girls. It’s getting so only one I’m better than is homosexuals and the Mexicans. That’s it. Homosexuals and the Mexicans.

See homosexuals is gonna make a mockery of marriage. That’s the real problem right there. Although without homosexuals all them brides will be holdin’ those sad little bouquets from Ralph’s. Don’t get me wrong, Ralph ain’t a gay. He’s a grocer. Anyway, them homosexuals can make a right pretty bouquet. I’ll give ‘em that much. But that don’t mean we should let them marry anyone. Just let the homosexuals do the brides’ hair. Otherwise it’ll look like Emma Mae was let loose with a comb again. Don’t tell her I said that. I don’t need another divorce right now. The point is those boys will turn marriage into an abomination involving dogs. Even though my little brother has been with the same man for longer than both of my marriages combined…still it’s like I say they will ruin the sanctity.

See the thing with marriage is it’s religious, it’s a sanctity, even though both times I was married it happened in a back yard and the ceremony was performed by Judge Biscuit. And I kinda suspect old Judge Biscuit was drunk the second time. Not that it means anything. Heck my current wife paid $25 to a web site and is now ordained. That’s gonna be handy someday. We could probably make a tidy sum marrying and burying folks.

Anyway I tried to use the religious argument with a lawyer one time when I was married before. To my other wife. In fact this attorney fella was my wife’s lawyer. Not my current wife’s lawyer; Emma Mae has a different one, but the other wife. You ever try explaining anything to a lawyer? “Heck” I said, “it was in a back yard and Judge Biscuit ain’t no minister, not the way he drinks and runs around, so I ain’t ’xactly married.” Well he up and tells me that legal is legal in the eyes of the state and God don’t enter it at all and I’d better get myself a lawyer. Can you believe that?