I was honored to be asked to write an excerpt in my friend Amy Cady's book, Get the Skinny on Your Success. She asked me to write about how self-image and exercise are related. We all know the obvious answer. If you're fit, you usually feel better about yourself. But there is a not so obvious link as well. Read on.
When I was a child I had flat feet, a slight curvature of the spine, and I was chubby. I had several experiences that etched that image on my soul so deeply that it became a part of me. As I grew older, I became a dancer and then a fitness professional. I was no longer chubby or uncoordinated, but I still felt that I was.
I dedicated my life to fixing an imaginary weight and coordination problem.
I became a personal trainer, I taught almost every kind of exercise class there is. I became a weight management consultant and counseled many men and women about their diet and exercise routines. It was often discouraging. People would do great for a while, then they’d fall back into their old self-destructive habits. Watching my clients helped me to realize that fitness has to come from the inside out. It was more a problem of belief about oneself than it was about activity.
I learned from trying to help others that memories and emotions are locked up, not only in our minds, but in our bodies as well. As we begin to move and get in touch with ourselves as physical beings, we get glimpses into our souls. So, why did it take me, a veritable, physical, whirling dervish, so long to get in touch with my inner saboteur? Maybe because I was so busy trying to help everybody else instead of looking within.
It was running that finally made me realize that until I got my self-image adjusted, it didn’t matter what I looked like on the outside, I was never going to be happy with myself.
Running wasn’t about standing in front of the crowd. It was a solitary endeavor. I had nobody to talk to but myself and God when I ran. I wasn’t distracted by music, clever dance moves, or watching my student’s form. I felt each breath and each footfall, the fatigue and the exhilaration. I learned my body as I never had before and, consequently, what was in my soul.
Preparing for races brought my poor self-image, the image of the chubby, uncoordinated girl that I had so successfully buried, right to the surface.
My husband, who often trained with me, got used to my emotional melt-downs after our runs. If I couldn’t keep up with him, which was most of the time, I saw myself as a chubby failure. If he stayed with me, I was sure he was placating poor, little uncoordinated me. When my body didn't run as fast or far as I wanted it to, I saw myself as a failure.
The physical part of running wasn't anywhere near as difficult as the emotional issues it raised. I kept trying to talk myself out of running. I didn't want to face the fear that I really was a fitness failure, that I could never be thin, fast, coordinated or all the things that I wanted so much to be. The internal dialogue was very revealing and decidedly uncomfortable.
Because of my personal experience and my experiences working with clients, I truly believe that many don’t exercise, not because of time constraints, boredom, or any of the myriad of excuses they tell themselves, but because they don’t want to stir up the hornet's nest of poor self image. Many of us went through awkward stages, chubby phases, were poor team athletes, and encountered mean kids who let us know about it. These experiences can leave scars. As adults we often find our areas of success and decide to leave well enough alone in the physical arena.
By running, I was barreling headlong into all the faulty beliefs I had about myself.
I believe we are a spirit, run by a soul, that lives in a body. If we neglect any one of these aspects of ourselves we aren’t living up to all we can be. If we ignore our bodies' need for movement, we are cutting ourselves off from one-third of our being! Our bodies are the part of our being that expresses love physically. If we allow our muscles to atrophy because of buried emotional doubts and pains, we are allowing those things to dominate our lives without realizing it. The ripple effects can be very negative, ranging from ill health and high stress to impotence, frigidity, and low libido.
Even though I wanted to stop running, I didn’t. I entered my first race, and lo and behold, I came in third in my division. I started to do well. I came in fourth and fifth in a couple of other local races and was in the top 10 out of 300 plus women in a half marathon. Could a chubby, uncoordinated girl really do this? My opinion of myself began to change. It had to. The facts were the facts.
Running into, instead of away from, my negative self-image is what helped me to change it.
I had to pull that chubby, uncoordinated, little girl out of hiding, look her square in the face and challenge her to a race. When I did, I began to realize that I was no longer that person.
Often it is because of an old hurt in the soul or spirit that we neglect our physical bodies. The path to a healthy self-image is complex, but I have personally seen in my own life, and in the lives of clients, that exercise can be a wonderful part of the healing process.
