Welcome the Newest Presidential Candidate: ME

I was scrambling for column ideas when I realized I’d forgotten something important.

What was it? …

Oh that’s right, I’m running for president.

I decided it after the latest round of GOP candidate debates.

I’ve already got my speech typed up for my first press conference, which I plan to hold at the beach because I think could use some fun in the sun.

Here's my speech:

Good afternoon, my fellow Americans,

I, like many humor columnists before me, (Dave Barry is actually the only one that comes to mind) am planning to run for the nation’s highest office.  

My fellow Americans, before I explain why I want to run for president, I want to remind you, my fellow Americans, that if I don’t say “my fellow Americans” enough, I lose special presidential points that I can save up to use for valuable prizes in the White House gift shop. I'm going for a toaster.

My fellow Americans, after the latest Republican presidential candidate debate, which I didn’t watch because I have the attention span of an ant trapped in a sugar factory, I remembered that I had a duty to you, my fellow Americans.

I have a duty to show you that I deserve your vote, or at least a few minutes for you to stare at me in utter disbelief and then say "Why on Earth would I vote for you?"

Which party do I belong to? All of them. That includes every third party and even after-parties and boarding parties.

Some may say this is impossible, because these groups hold a number of mutually exclusive beliefs.

But you’re forgetting an important point: I’d be the most ineffective president ever and it wouldn’t matter what I believed.

Why should you elect a president who would be ineffective? Partly because it’d be funny, but also because … actually, mostly because it’d be funny.

You see, I’m going to win.

Because I have something current candidates, both Democrat and Republican, don’t have … and when I find out what that is, I’ll let you know.

No, don’t thank me for my sacrifice. Wait, could you thank me for my sacrifice? … ahh, that’s feels good. And you’re welcome.

My current choice for running mate is my pet guinea pig, Sprinkles. Say hello to the people Sprinkles.

Yes, he doesn't talk. But he has some pretty good ideas about fiscal reform.

And before anyone says anything, Sprinkles is not a criticism of any vice-presidet past, present or future. He's just a guinea pig. 

To the media, I promise to have a completely open presidency. Almost uncomfortably open. I’ll be sending press releases about every single thing I do, including and especially, going to the bathroom.

I’ll even give you, members of the media, my personal cell number so you know that you can call me anytime, and ask me anything, and I will say, in a completely open and honest manner that “I have no idea what I'm doing and you should probably move to a neighboring country.”

I’m sure you’ll be wondering how I’ll deal with some of the current crises in our nation.

How do I plan to solve the current economic crisis? Nationwide garage sale.

The country’s crumbling streets and highways? Hoverboard research (a la Back to the Future 2)

Bi-partisan bickering in congress? … Man, I don’t know. Stop asking me stuff.

My highest priority will be making the nation’s junk food nutritious but -- and this will be a key talking point of my administration -- still taste exactly the same. 

See, if all the food we love is actually nutritious, we’ll stop paying so much in medical bills, which will free up some money, the economy will recover and I'll be able to buy a 100-foot tall flat screen for the White House.

So, my fellow Americans, please consider giving your vote for John Crandall.

And, in conclusion … my fellow Americans.

Give John Crandall a Dollar posts on Saturday’s at 1 p.m. and Wednesdays at 7 p.m. and is flanked by two burley Secret Service agents. So is Sprinkles.