A Last Gift

Just as some people would rather eat glass than be the honored guest of a surprise party, I have found that I feel likewise when it comes to family secrets. Not scandalous secrets, but mundane things like the location of important documents. I actually prefer recycled glass.

The challenge of solving puzzles should be strictly relegated to crosswords and computer games, not real life.

A mystery has entered my life, unbidden and very unwelcome. As I had previously related, my father died in December. Although he had been very ill for a few years, he sounded pretty good the last time we spoke, which was a few days before he was to fly to Palm Springs from Chicago. He said he would call me when he got settled, as usual. That call never came.

What I learned a week later was that a family member had placed him in a nursing home in the desert, where he died a few days later. Nobody else in my family had been notified that he was so ill or that he did not, in fact, pass away at his desert home. That information accidentally came by way of the county coroner’s office. Not a good sign for things to come.

Despite a general assumption that his longtime doctors had been part of the decision, we were wrong. In fact, they were shocked to hear that Dad had passed away because he had been doing so well a few days earlier. So now we are paying a very reputable lawyer to help us learn what should not be a mystery. Why? When? What happened?

I knew that Dad was extremely ill, with good days and bad. But I was blindsided by this vacuum of essential information. I thought I knew what to expect, including that important documents and information would be easily retrieved. In truth, imagine Kafka’s nightmarish trip through The Castle.

Which brings me to the point of this discussion: how very easy it is for important information to be unavailable. Most of us have faced or will face the death of a parent. Generally, what happens next is straightforward. The very worst part of the experience is the grief, both immediate and long term.

But for some of us, a great deal of information necessary to settle an estate will be missing. Documents disappear, financial institutions masterfully create the administrative runaround, spouses remain silent, attorneys do not sense the urgency while the meter is running, and family emotions fly out of control. Yet, for us, the facts and circumstances remain shrouded and elusive. Believe me, this is not a good way to cope with the death of a parent.

If you hope to ease your family’s pain as best you can, don’t keep secrets. Tell them the names of your doctors. Give them copies of legal documents. Save your federal tax returns for a few years and give them copies. Give each member a list of contacts for your attorney, doctors, accountant, broker, and anyone else who has information essential to the settlement of an estate. Make lists and then distribute them.

This is something you can do this for them. As they stumble through the motions of taking care of business, they will be reassured that you loved them so much that you made one last thoughtful gesture to ease their pain.

It is a precious gift that will last the rest of their lives.