Are You Too Much Mommy?

Time magazine certainly stole the conversation for this Mother’s Day with a cover photo that has everyone talking. It shows a 26-year-old mother defiantly nursing her nearly four-year-old son, who has climbed onto a stool to reach his dinner. Shocking? Yes. New? Not really.

More than 20 years ago, I was visiting a childhood friend. My daughter was a year old and her daughter was about three years old. We were sitting on a couch in her den when her daughter climbed up on her lap, lifted her shirt and latched on. I could feel the blood drain from my face as I tried not to stare in horror.

I was uncomfortable mentioning my friend’s extreme behavior because new mothers have their hands full. So why so much criticism from within the ranks? I think it is insecurity. The local “tsk” force weighs in on every subject. To nurse or to bottle feed? To spank or use time-outs? To let your baby sleep in your bed or in their own crib? Store bought baby food or homemade baby food?

Speaking of feeding the little one: baby food or premasticated food from mama’s mouth? Truly the winner of the "ewww" factor award.

This extreme form of raising a child is called attachment parenting. It requires the mother’s presence nearly 24 hours a day. Breastfeeding on demand and for many years. The model on the cover of Time magazine boasted that her mother nursed her until she was six years old and that it was a very comforting ritual. 

The model also stated that she will continue to nurse her preschooler as long as he wants, and in public. I’m all for breastfeeding. It is clearly the healthiest option for both baby and mother - baby, as in before they get too many teeth. Or take calculus. But to breastfeed a kid that can unhook Mommy’s bra and hook it back up again when they are finished seems, well, unseemly.

Pediatricians recommend nursing a baby for 12-18 months. They say after that, there are no health benefits for the child. So the benefits are strictly for the mother who refuses to let her child separate from her and learn independence. Once they are in school, they must establish their own personality, their own territory and learn how to cope with rejection and disappointment.

Attachment parenting retards this learning process. Whatever the child wants, whether it is a Mommy snack or to have her in the  bed with them during naptime, it fosters an egocentrism that does not jibe with the rest of the world. They need to learn to compromise with their peers and take criticism from adults.

For all you new mothers, here is my advice gleaned from my experience and observations. You fear that you won’t be the best mom. Let it go. You will be a great mom. You will love your children unconditionally, you will make mistakes and your child will survive. If you pay attention, your child will teach you everything you need to know about them. You will know them better than anyone in the world. Trust yourself. In the end, you will always be right.