People Are Living Older..HERE COMES A FAST BALL!

I knew this day would come, but like anything you dread, you try to avoid the inevitable.

So, I was faced with caring for my aged family member while still caring for my own family. It wasn't gonna be a picnic in the park, that's for sure! And It wasn't!

   There are few older family members still surviving in my family. Most of my uncles, aunts and grandparents have all gone on to the great beyond. No...not Alaska...I'm talking about they have expired...left earth. .gone to those pearly gates. And I miss them terribly.

  But there's a few still with us and herein lay the problem. Who is around to see to their well being?

 It was 1982. My Aunt Barb was the last remaining family member of my grandmothers direct family... her oldest sister. She was my great-aunt, in more ways than one!

 Aunt Barb had a colorful past. She married twice and her last husband was a duke. They lived a fantastic life in New York City forever. Parties, travel, tons of friends and fancy. Now that's all over. The duke passed on and Auntie moved to Florida against her will. Her brother lived nearby and she adjusted. Then she became ill, he passed on and few family members wanted anything to do with her. Except me!

    I had a close, fun and loving relationship with her. She taught me Broadway tunes, the art of mixing prints and how to not care what people thought of you.

    Aunt Barb was eccentric to say the least. She danced around the house, sang at the top of her lungs to the radio tunes and loved hot tea with lemon although saving the tea bags to use a second time. She recycled when it wasn't even a word and always saved everything, because," You never know if and when you might need it!"

 She was a kind, loving and warm person who laughed even when she cried . I loved her dearly as a child and still did. She had no children but had wanted them dearly. Who was going to care for her? Who was going to see she was treated with love and kindness?

 I took on the responsibility of seeing to her care.

    She was moved back to New York where I resided. At the age of 75 she was becoming less lucid. Then she had a major stroke. For a person who talked nonstop, her words were now silenced and she had to learn to speak again, use her hands and walk. She was devastated. So was I!

   I had 2 small children then and a divorce. I worked full time and attended college. I spent every spare moment visiting her at the rehab center the doctor placed her in. I was exhausted from running around ragged. But she needed me. It finally came to the point where she was released in my care. Aunt Barb came home to live with me and my two small children, ages 8 and 3, into our small 2 bedroom bungalow. It was cramped but doable.

 I had an Aide care for her while I worked. My neighbor, who watched my kids while I attended classes, also helped with Auntie. A true angel on earth! This went on for quite awhile. Money was running out and so was my energy. I knew I had to be there for kids and aunt alike, but I truly wanted.. longed to.... jump a freight train outta there to anywhere, alone.

*So why am I telling this tale of mine?

   The reason is, at one point, we will all need to be there for an aged parent or aunt or uncle or any loved one. Maybe we won't have a choice, maybe we will. The point remains...we will all age, God willing, and we will all need help.

    We must plan ahead for this. .not wait till mom or dad or auntie are frail and vulnerable. Insurance only pays for so much and savings get exhausted as quickly as we do. We just don't have sufficient care for our elderly now that we are all living longer lives. WE must take charge for our loved ones and for ourselves!!

   I don't regret caring for Aunt Barb, although it was very difficult. I had a choice to shrug off the care and have some inadequate, least expensive, convalescent home do the job, but she was worth more than that to me. I owed her for all the years she cared for and loved me. She taught me about life and freedom and was a great and fun influence on my children, who, although now  grown, remember her most dearly!

   I wonder what will become of me in my old age? Which child will be the one to care for me? How will they choose? Will I be subjected to spend the last years of my life in some home for the forgotten or be a burden on my family?

    I'm trying to plan now while I can still take part in the planning which includes a living will. We will sit and discuss options and in writing choose how and where it will take place.

Its inevitable that we will all go through some form of caring for an aged loved one. How we do it is up to us. My advice? Plan for it...do the best you can and remember.... You, too, will be in their shoes one day.

 Sit with mom or dad or auntie and discuss the inevitable. Make sure they have input. {You'd be surprised how often I have seen my patients extremely upset over sudden arrangements made with no consideration to their wishes.}

 It's vital to do this way before the Hospice days and to have everything in writing. I have seen many a court case where certain family wasn't included or refused the particular type of care for their loved one. Avoid all the confusion....discuss all possibilities of living arrangements and health care with the person whose aged and make reasonable arrangements in writing that your loved one can agree to and sign. I would even have it notarized.

*** I am not an attorney nor do I play one on TV, so an attorney will be better able to advise on this.

I think of Aunt Barb a lot lately. I'm even told, by many, that I am just like her! As I'm getting older I hear myself saying the quirkiest things...(Aunt Barb)...and sometimes being flamboyant for no apparent reason...(Aunt Barb)...singing to the radio loudly, and dancing in the kitchen..(Aunt Barb) and being able to laugh at life's waves and tides instead of drowning in them..(Aunt Barb)!

I only hope someone will see the value of my age, wisdom and quirkiness when I'm too old to care for myself. Maybe they'll even learn a thing or two about life and how to laugh and love and sing! Who knows?

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