Your Rolodex of Pain

By de anne

At this time of great societal sadness over the untimely and shocking suicide of the great Robin Williams, it is nearly impossible to write about a lite funny subject or much of anything other than our reaction.

There seems to be a tidal wave of talk, discussion and controversy now, about depression. Every newscaster and most talk shows are delving into it. This really bothers and annoys me! Why? Its a good thing...bring this insidious disorder to light. Open discussions about the skeleton in the closet will help the world heal. Right?

Well, I honestly feel the conversations aren’t touching the reality of the disease. The surface level talk isn’t getting under that bandaid, where a gaping wound is hemorrhaging.

I say this because my secret of depression was outed quite sometime ago. I know the deep valley and pit of despair. Just telling people to tell someone..talk about it isn’t enough to save you. Why? Because its all about your prospectives... YOUR true understanding of what’s really going on.The way we depressives see things, feel things,hear things is oh so distorted at times. We need the ability to put reality into play but we can’t.

That is the real factor that decides who survives and who does not.

It has nothing to do about “ fooling” others, or putting on a social mask. Robin made us laugh and hid his pain from the world, and from those close. But the real issue was what he told himself..what lies he built and believed. Its complicated and very individual, but depression is all about perceptions.

To a depressed person, a puddle is an ocean, a bump in the road is Mt.Everest, and disappointment is the world closing up and swallowing you.

We often don’t handle the ups and downs as “ normal reactions” would.

As a teen, we all have breakups, heartbreak and tough times at school with peers, teachers or subjects.

When you are clinically depressed those events can throw you off the cliff..literally.

We don’t “ bounce back” as most do. It stays with us. I believe people with serious depression issues have a very large Rolodex of their hurts, pains, disappointments. When it happens again to us we tend to go right back to another situation and so there it gets filed. Before we know it...that Rolodex is so full its bursting...no room for anymore. That’s when check out time comes. Those that survive LEARN how to eliminate those filed pains.They don’t keep them..they are discarded.

This way they don’t pile up to the point of no more room.

As the facts surface about Robin Williams, we now learn of his money issues and the onset of Parkinson’s Disease. Top that with his clinical depression and its an exact formula for checking out....if you have that Rolodex full. This poor man didn’t have that change of perception enough to get him through. Let’s face the truth...a man with his crazy wild display of comedic genius couldn’t possibly continue with his comedy or acting as he did, with Parkinson. It is one of the Most debilitating diseases robbing one of muscle control, speech, walking and for some more.

Someone like Michael J Fox have staved off the these effects for quite sometime...some it hits harder and takes more from you. As a depressive, I know about debilitating diseases as I was blessed with 2 major ones and it does overwhelm you .

I’m sure he was thinking how he would be looked upon, with pity and knowing his livelihood was going to be over no matter how slow the disease progressed. What an overflowing Rolodex he had. And of course his prospective as one who is depressed would have been totally hopeless. How can this crazy funny man pull off Parkinson’s???

Did the walls crash in on him..falling as deep in that dark pit as one can go?

Did he hate what he had become and what he would wind up??

Only dear Robin knows those answers..we can only speculate.

As a parent, I can say, I wouldn’t want my children, grown or not, to see this hideous transformation and to be a burden on them. I’m sure Robin didn’t think how they would rather have him alive, frail and imperfect rather than gone forever.

Perceptions!

So, I’ll close this article with the thought, that at least the greatest comedian of his time brought about discussion of depression, and now thanks to his wife, Parkinson’s .

We can learn about the silent pain, the tortured souls that walk amongst us.

We can stop hiding in these barren dark, lonely closets and realize we who are depressed, anxious, (any disability) can be okay with telling about it, realizing we are human and not perfect. Everyone has something they may be hiding...let it out, seek help and know there is more support than you know for you.

Empty out your Rolodex, release the hurts, pain, disappointments, and free yourself so you can live, not just exist!

Its a process, it takes work and it helps to know there are many sharing your pain. We are who we are, and we hold the power to change our thinking, our prospectives and get them in line with reality. Give yourself back the power.

Namaste!