Tracy's Territory: The Ambush of Grief

I wanted to write a more personal column today to talk about grief.

Grieving comes in all forms: loss of a job, our homes, the loss of a child, sibling, parent, or partner. Grief is different than stress. Stress is dealing with "how can I make my car payment, will the grocery store cash my check before I get to the bank?"

I have had probably the worst 2 1/2 years of my life.

I lost my dad in September 2009. He was just gardening like he did every single Monday. My mom found him in the front yard but it was too late.

Nine months to the exact day, I lost my eldest sister. She died in Arizona and we are still uncertain as to why and how.

I was laid off from work and then as stupid as it sounds, we had to put our beloved dog down. He had been a part of our family for 13 years and even my “adopted” outdoor cat was gone. We did not know if he was hit by a car, taken for a ride or just went to live somewhere else. 

So nothing in my life was the same. I could no longer pull up in front of my parents’ home and see the garage door open with my dad dancing and singing around his workbench to KRTH 101. My eldest sister would no longer call me talking way too loud on the phone, and reminiscing about our childhood. I could never again after a phone call from her wonder “what house she grew up in because she never remembers anything correctly!” What was waiting for me inside my parents’ home now was the silence of no music playing and my mom crying.

When I came home the dog was not waiting patiently by the French door wanting to play or eat. The cat was nowhere in sight and there was nowhere for me to go because for the first time in my life I was on unemployment. I felt “ambushed."

Ambushed defined is the following: “Surprise Attack: an unexpected attack from a concealed position."

I now found myself trying to keep busy around the house, shopping for my mom and volunteering at church. But it did not matter because when I would least expect it, I would just start crying. Something in my mind was triggering the absolute sadness of everything. It could be at the grocery store, at the bank, driving my kids to school. To this day I can no longer listen to music, I have to walk out of a store playing ‘oldies’ – I have done it right in the middle of a purchase. 

I have found that everybody grieves differently and in their own time. Please consider not being the person that tells others that are grieving to get on with their lives because enough time has gone by. I have determined that I will grieve however I see fit and I will not grieve according to another agenda.

I have moved on with my life. My mom and surviving sister and brother actually laugh sometimes now. We have a new routine that revolves around helping each other out. I found that ambush comes in many forms, either delightful or dreadful. I am ambushed less and less as time goes on. 

But 10 months after my cat ran away, I walked out the front door and he popped out to “delightfully ambush” me. 

My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered a loss. You can’t prepare yourself for any of it but, I want you to know, from my heart, it does get better.