Picking up the pieces... 19

I’m so sorry, ladies and gentlemen, that MURDER has brought you here.   I realize, in your desperation to really TALK to somebody about this thing of Murder, you are finding the same thing I did.  THERE IS - NO ONE.  THERE IS - NO HELP. 

You probably googled Help for Murder Victims, searched for chat rooms or support groups and found all five entries, right?  Well, now there's six.

There is no Welcoming Committee into this NEW LIFE…  I get so many messages every day, from people receiving this NEW LIFE, wondering where to find this 'elusive' help…  They too, got only a useless list of phone numbers from their 'Victim's advocate'. So, here it is.  The unbiased 'insiders' scoop.  Because the TRUTH is found only on the INSIDE of murder.  Those on the OUTSIDE, don’t live it.  So they just don’t know…

If they only COULD wrap their ‘outside’ brains around the true SCOPE of MURDER, maybe they would understand the kind of HELP we truly need. 

I remember the woman who came to my home, and first spoke those macabre words to me.  My “NEW LIFE, AFTER MURDER – without Saskia”.  It is a ‘NEW LIFE’ because the Murderer has just DESTROYED every aspect of ‘Your Life’.  This ‘NEW LIFE’ is the life the Murderer has now given TO you, the one you will live all the rest of your days and nights with.  Not one aspect of this NEW LIFE would you EVER choose for yourself…   It’s not a life you will be capable of bearing very often...  But, YOU are ALIVE - and this ‘NEW LIFE’ is all you get!

Or is it.  You see, NONE of the ‘outsiders’  will ever stand in YOUR shoes…  And they will speak to you in a completely foreign language now, of ridiculous notions like ‘going on’ and ‘forgiveness’…  I am still alive inside MURDER, however.  And I guess – after speaking with thousands of others standing here inside Murder with me, I would ask you this one important question right at the start.  “DO YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THIS NEW LIFE AFTER MURDER  - this NEW LIFE the MURDER has given to you?”   Are you willing to go on existing in pain and sufferance, for all the days you live?  Are you willing to endure this, and tolerate so much more?  Because that’s what this NEW LIFE offers you.  And if this IS what you choose, your first step is  - ACCEPTING ALL THIS FROM THE MURDERER…

Murder NEVER takes you on a ‘spiritual journey through grief’, and no matter how long you live there will NEVER be ‘comfort’ found from it.  Living with Murder is FOREVER COPING WITH THE TRAUMA each and every day and night for the rest of your life.  It’s living WITHOUT PEACE.  In this ‘NEW LIFE’ the Murderer has just given to you, you will deal each day with the agonizing pain and suffering of your loved one’s death;  horror and terror in the way your loved one was MURDERED; and even though the loss you have just suffered in losing your loved one to Murder seems so all encompassingly HUGE that it could not be worse – it’s not the only ‘loss’ you’ll suffer, for now family and friends and employers alike will turn their backs on you as they now cannot bear to look at YOU and your unbearable loss!    You see, others will turn away from you one by one now, because THEY can’t handle how MURDER affects their ‘false’ sense of security and hope in their own lives…  They’ll turn away because they CAN!  You on the other hand, are trapped with Murder.  There’s no turning away from it, ever.  For there’s no going back.  Never a single RESURECTION!

And while the ‘outside’ world will NEVER say these things to you, I will.  In a world that turns away from us, and the MURDER we’ve been dealt, I’ll share.  Because knowing the truth WILL help.  About a month ago, I got a call from a 19 year old girl who found her mother MURDERED.  She was seeing a therapist and taking ‘drugs’, but they weren’t helping at all.  I shared my truths with her, and asked her that very important FIRST QUESTION…  She called me three days later, and said she had decided to LIVE WITH IT.  She quit taking the pills, and feels better.   She’s not sleeping – but HEY!  She’s not having the NIGHTMARES anymore either…   There is ALWAYS a trade off in this NEW LIFE.  She already felt therapy was useless when she called me, so I told her to save her “pre-paid Victim’s sessions” for a time when it might help.  Like maybe if they ever find her mothers MURDERER, she’ll need someone to help with the obscene RAGE she’ll feel every time she sees him in court.  We’ve spent many hours since, talking.  A few nights ago, she sent me and email “M- nothing’s helped, but you.  Thanks.”

The ‘ironies’ in this NEW LIFE, in a very dark way, are often funny.  I can’t tell you how many people came to me, after Gary MURDERED my Saskia, and said exactly the same words: “I can’t imagine if this happened to me, that I could ever go on…” !  OK.  And here’s the irony for you – they ALL finish that sentence with, “But YOU HAVE TO GO ON!  You MUST go on for your surviving children!”  So, let me put this into perspective. “ They” COULD NOT do it…  But “I” HAVE TO – “I” MUST!    It’s ironic, too, that they will NEVER just ask you to go on for “yourself”…  They have to ask you to “go on for others”.  Because they all realize the TRUTH – you CAN’T go on, you no longer have REASON to go on, so instead they lay this little guilt trip onto you in your first moments of horror and agony, hoping it will trap you into going on.  Yes, this awful joke is played on you right from the start.

And when you are having a hard time accepting this NEW LIFE the Murderer has given to you?  These ‘outside’ people are just full of helpful ideas…  Why not take a pill!  Go out and get yourself on an ‘anti-depressant’ pill.  Mix in some ‘anti-anxiety’ pills.  And how about those ‘sleeping’ pills?  Surely this ‘drug cocktail’ will fix the murderous situation!  And yet, in your ‘New Reality’ inside this NEW LIFE, you are already finding it too difficult to function.  Your inability to sleep or eat is ALREADY deeply affecting your ability to think, and the PAIN of Murder makes you ACHE all the time, so these idiots are now suggesting to you – that you take a pill and lose ALL ability to function!  Of course, this won’t help your situation at all: who is going to pay the bills and grocery shop, if you are drugged up sitting on the couch 24/7?   How are you going to manage at work ( if you are lucky enough to KEEP your job after MURDER ) for it’s already a terribly difficult thing to deal with now, and if you get all drugged up and become useless?  As you can see, the ‘outsiders’ don’t think very much before they speak.  But wait!  From their oh-so-far off perspective on Murder, they have the best idea of all. 

Find OTHER people dealing with Murder to talk to.  Like AA – they somehow think we people given this NEW LIFE can all get together and “share” ways of getting through it…  And they'll never know what we REALLY talk about when we get together, right?  What they could never wrap their tiny little brains around, is that I stand in such agonizingly excruciating pain each moment.  Listening to how someone else’s child was MURDERED – feeling their agony and horror ON TOP OF MY OWN?  That in NO WAY makes me feel better…  It only serves to make me more clearly see how hopeless this NEW LIFE truly is.  The only thing being around others with a NEW LIFE offers me, is to be surrounded by other people who also will not touch happiness or comfort or peace ever again.  I guess I gain ‘relief’ from being with them, for I do not have to lie or pretend with them.  I can speak the truth of my pain and suffering with them, honestly and SAFELY share just how much I DON’T WANT OR CARE TO ACCEPT this NEW LIFE given to me by the MURDERER!   It seems ONLY the other parents of Murdered Children can understand that in the hearts of each one of us – we WANT and NEED to be with our murdered child…  Each one of us, hands down, chooses DEATH over this NEW LIFE.

But don’t you DARE speak this truth to the ‘outsiders’…   Because in their ‘falsely’ secure little lives, from their now ‘warped’ perspective to YOUR NEW LIFE – they will all attempt to try to ‘SAVE’ you from the truth.  And ‘their’ idea of ‘saving’ you, IS TO KEEP YOU TRAPPED IN THIS NEW LIFE AT ANY COST!  Yes, be very careful speaking the truth to the ‘outsiders’.  Become very adept to lies and deceit with them.  Because ‘their’ attempts at saving YOU, are only going to cause you MORE pain and suffering!  And are so financially COSTLY…

The ‘outsiders’ are INCAPABLE OF HEARING YOUR TRUTH!  Because your truthful ‘words’ make THEM FEEL…  And the ‘way’ it makes THEM FEEL, well, THEY just can’t handle it!  They will only interpret your WORDS through their EMOTIONS, and REACT to this with their ‘outside’ perspective of what THEY think is right or best for YOU…

Let me share with you, MY mistakes.  You see, I don’t want to lie.  I have never before - been FORCED to lie.  So I quite often make the mistake of telling the TRUTH…   And I’ve ultimately suffered the CRUELTY and PAIN from the ‘outside’ world for it.  Within the Parents of Murdered Children and Victim’s of Violent Crime groups – I am admired for my ‘courage’ to do this.  FOR THEY ALL FEAR the SAME repercussions that have happened to me…   Gary failed to stab ME, to ‘physically’ injure me during HIS ATTACK.  But boy – what the ‘outside’ did to me, sending me their “HELP”…  It’s the closest I’ve come to being KILLED yet!

You see, necessity takes me to the store.  And the people who knew me prior to this NEW LIFE want to know “how it’s going”.  And my honest answer just is “I AM IN HELL!  I NEVER STOP HEARING SASKIA SCREAMING!  I HATE THIS NEW LIFE!”  Well, this is just not the answer the ‘outsiders’ want.  They were looking for those simple idiotic LIES…  Not the truth.  Because the truth makes “them feel”…  For an instant, it makes them “feel” that PAIN and HORROR I LIVE WITH EACH SECOND…  And they KNOW they certainly COULD NOT EVER live with that!  This causes their little pea brains to start thinking, of course - from their own selfish ‘outside’ little perspective -  for they KNOW “they” would most definitely want to kill themselves rather than live like THIS…  And so, they call the authorities – to HELP YOU.  And HELP they do! 

December 11, last year I opened my front door to 3 “OVERLY HELPFUL” Murrieta Police Officers.  They were called by a ‘DO-GOODER’, and came to SAVE ME on what they call a 51/50!  My poor traumatized dog Archie was furiously barking, and I MADE THE MISTAKE of stepping outside to talk…  For I was immediately ATTACKED by these three officers!  Beaten, thrown to the ground, cuffed...  I am a MURDER VICTIM, who has not slept or eaten since Saskia’s slaughter…  I weigh all of 86 lbs…  But they attacked - and INJURED me so severely I was taken to the hospital first, and then - TAKEN TO THE SAME PLACE OUR MURDERER ESCAPED AND CHECKED HIMSELF INTO AFTER HE SLAUGHTERED MY SASKIA!  What a THING – for the MOTHER OF A MURDERED CHILD TO ENDURE!  What a thing, for a TRAUMA VICTIM to endure!  What an UNFORGIVABLE thing they did to Kessa!   And there will be no apologies, ever, for their actions – because HEY!  They are afterall, DOING YOU A FAVOR!

No thought was given, to whether I was ACTUALLY SUICIDAL.  In ANY danger at ALL – of hurting myself or anyone else…  It would never cross their minds that I might be having a bad day? NOPE.  NOT ONE SINGLE INQUIRY MADE TO ANYONE IN MY HOME, OR MY TRAUMA THERAPIST!  No thought was given to what it would be to a woman who’s child was slaughtered in front of her in her own home, to now be ATTACKED AGAIN – IN FRONT OF THIS SAME HOME…  Not a single consideration given at all, to what it would mean to a child who was dealing with severe trauma after her entire family was attacked and her sister MURDERED – TO HAVE HER MOTHER TAKEN FROM HER!  Because you see, the ‘outside’ world just doesn’t THINK ladies and gentlemen…  They REACT.  And this HELP we received, UNDID ALL THE TRAUMA THERAPY FOR KES AND MYSELF…  It in FACT, has left me FURTHER TRAUMATIZED now…  AND PHYSICALLY INJURED…   But they don’t care, this isn’t ‘their’ problem…  They were just trying to be HELPFUL… 

So, you can see the importance of separating your NEW LIFE from the OUTSIDERS.  Because it does not matter WHO YOU ONCE WERE…  No one will ever see you that way again, the Murderer has seen to that!  Whoever you once were – the MURDERER has now made you a person NO ONE can stand to BE, or be AROUND.   The MURDERER has created you to be a NEW PERSON along with this NEW LIFE!

And as you get further into this new life, discovering along the way just HOW MUCH you’ve truly lost, don’t be surprised when you look in the mirror and find you don’t recognize that person looking back at you.   For that person, and the life that person had, is GONE.  Bits and pieces of that person may be there, somewhere inside, if you can sift through the pain to look.  I used to be Catherine Burke.  When I think of her, and her life – it is all only memories now.  I found myself feeling too angry too often, as the ‘outsiders’ still think I am HER…  Like I would be CARING, LOVING OR HELPFUL to any ‘outsider’ ever again.  That's what got Saskia killed.  Like I would be concerned about ANY of their ‘outside’ world problems ever again…  I'll be as concerned about them, as they are about me...

My own identity became too confusing to me.  I don't feel like Cat.  I don't think like Cat...  So I go by Mia now.  Short for Missing In Action.  All the things that Cat was, all her hopes and dreams and beliefs – they are all gone.  MY hopes ( Death Penalty ) and dreams ( oh, better not share THOSE HERE, right Dexter? ) and beliefs – oh, well, LACK of beliefs - they belong to ME now, and I AM MIA…

The biggest IRONY of all, the one that leaves me ‘rolling in laughter – internally’  through my tears – are all those people who say to me, “DON”T LET THE MURDERER WIN!”  Nothing but intolerable IDIOTS, each and every one who utter these words!  For they just CAN’T wrap their little brains around the FACT – 

HE ALREADY WON! 

The MOMENT GARY MURDERED SASKIA – HE WON!  FOREVER!  GAME OVER!

You see, the Murderer has SENTENCE ‘YOU’ to this NEW LIFE –

After, of course, EXECUTING YOUR CHILD OR LOVED ONE IN THE MOST HEINOUS AND BRUTAL MANNER IMAGINABLE.  And if your MURDERER is actually caught?  You get the added pleasure of sitting in a courtroom, for YEARS, HOPING AND PRAYING FOR EQUAL JUSTICE – you know, praying HE TOO IS EXECUTED and hoping HE ALSO gets a NEW LIFE IN HELL…  As you endure the IRONY that 12 strangers, ALL people who are ‘OUTSIDE’ and ‘UNTOUCHED’ by MURDER get to decide IF the HORROR and PAIN of your Murdered Child is worth the Death Penalty…  And all the while, the ACLU – who are supposed to protect HUMAN rights, but are IRONICALLY fighting instead to protect these inhuman monstrous MURDERERS – is IRONICALLY fighting to get rid of the ONLY REAL JUSTICE offered to us…

What the prosecutors have failed to include, what those 12 strangers can’t wrap their ‘outside’ brains around -  IS THE COMPLETE ANNIHILATION OF YOUR LIFE TOO!  Or the fact that EVERY MURDERER HAS WON ALREADY BY GIVING YOU

THIS NEW LIFE.

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.  In our group, there is no RECOVERY.   We are only gathered here today, to get through this thing called life.  A NEW LIFE, a NEW YOU - forever now.