The Real LIfe DMV/IRS Driver Handbook

SPEED LIMITS

Maximum speed limit on most California highways is 65 mph; you may drive 70 mph where posted.  If you are a doctor or lawyer late for a tee time at a club adjudged adequately exclusive, you may drive 90 mph.  Executives of multi-national corporations with assets above $100 million may drive at whatever speed they wish, so long as it is safe to do so.  Highway Patrol vehicles are available 24/7 to board members of Fortune Top 100 companies. (A small fee will be assessed if a uniformed driver is desired.)

For anyone with an adjusted gross income under $100,000, 35 mph is maximum speed in all residential areas.  For males with adjusted gross incomes greater than $100,000, 55 mph is the maximum speed.  The same limit is applicable to women with adjusted gross incomes greater than $150,000; also to small business owners with more than 50 employees, drivers of Hummers painted bright red or yellow, and state or national beauty pageant winners.

In school zones when children are present, maximum speed is 25 mph in school districts where the median family income is greater than $80,000.  In districts where the median family income falls between $40,000 and $79,999, 45 mph is maximum speed.  In the poorest school districts, pedestrians are warned to be both extra vigilant and agile, whether actively seeking to cross the street or not.

U-TURNS

Where a "No U-Turn" sign is not posted, U-turns are permitted.  They are also legal anywhere at all when: the driver is behind the wheel of a BMW 500-series or higher; if the driver has contributed $2000 or more to election campaigns of local politicians; if driver can show proof of ownership of a recreational boat greater than 40 feet in length, berthed at a local marina.

LEFT TURNS

Left turns are permitted primarily from the lane closest to the center divider of a designated left-turn lane.  Exceptions include: drivers who provide proof of frequent flyer platinum status on two major airlines; drivers wearing designer suits costing in excess of $2500.   Drivers whose names have been mentioned above the fold on the New York Times front page more than once in a two-month period may turn left across the raised median divider of four- and six-lane roads.

RIGHT TURNS

Right turns are permitted after a full stop at an intersection.  No stop is required if the driver is personally acquainted with a B-list or higher television personality, or has season skybox tickets for a major local sports franchise.  Turns may be taken at full speed and/or on two wheels in instances where the driver is an investment bank account executive with a portfolio in excess of $50 million.  In this case, up to three pedestrian fatalities are permitted.

DRIVING AND ALCOHOL

The state maintains a strict zero-tolerance policy towards drunk drivers--with very few exceptions.  Drivers whose BAC (Blood Alcohol Concentration) exceeds 0.08% face fines, jail time, and suspension or revocation of license, unless they are: a major entertainment industry figure or extended family member; a friend, a friend of a friend, or a casual acquaintance of a friend of a member of Seal Team 6; a district or appellate judge who is overworked and just needed to blow off steam.
If apprehended with a BAC over 0.10%, owners of businesses with net profits greater than $20 million, and who paid no state or federal income taxes for the previous year, will be given a bottle of Crown Royal in a handsome gift box.

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