RATING THE KRAMPUS MOVIES - PART 2

Rating the Krampus Movies - Part 2

Article by Ray Schillaci

As for “Krampus the Reckoning,” I reckon the makers of this joyless mess deserve to be visited by the real Krampus and tormented as much as I was while trying to get through this “B” monster movie. Yes dear reader, I subjected myself to nearly all the earmarks of a bad movie, so you do not have to. So, I expect some good presents this year for the sacrifice.

If only the filmmakers had put as much effort into the film itself as there was in the creature effects, that are quite impressive. This Krampus reminds me of the creature from Michael Mann’s “The Keep,” but this monster suit and head are even creepier, and could easily evoke nightmares in children (if they were allowed to watch this hard “R” flick). The design and the burn effects all look like they belong in another movie that should have a better script, and a more efficient director.

The story drudges along about a misfit creepy kid that is able to summon Krampus to punish the wicked. This Krampus has the ability of Stephen King’s “Firestarter,” and those that are naughty tend to burst into crispy critters. After the foster child’s last outburst, a social worker and a police detective seek out the mystery of the child and her past. This lends to bad dreams for the social worker, and even worse for some secretive nasty people that cross the foster child’s path.

“Krampus the Reckoning” has all the earmarks of fun bad “sinema,”; nudity, violence, some bad acting, but the pacing is deadly slow. We never get a sense of the season or the fantasy horror that could be evoked by such a project. In fact, the whole film looks like it was shot in the summer rather than the winter. And, the lighting and camera work really work against the obvious threadbare sets. If they are not sets, that means the director of photography is far worse than I could imagine.

Sex scenes are far from titillating, and maybe it’s because I am not 15 year-old boy. But actually, these characters are so repulsive, and at the risk of being cruel, the actors look far better clothed, that I find it hard to believe that any excitement could be had by a young hormonal lad. When it comes right down to it, those responsible for the effects and creature deserve some real treats this season while all others responsible for this folly should only expect lumps of coal.

I wish I could end this review on a happier note, but after subjecting myself to “Krampus: the Christmas Devil”, it only reminds me of how much mediocre talent is out there, and has me continue to ponder how the hell does anybody get this stuff funded? Mind you, “K:TCD” is a step above “KTR” (Krampus the Reckoning), but that is not saying much.

First off, I have to tip my bright red hat off to writer/director Jason Hull for actually going the extra mile and trying to infuse a sense of the season with snow, decorations a-plenty and a slight sense of fantasy with an attempt at dark humor. Then there is the cave where Krampus dwells, eerie with a multitude of candles and even the credits at the beginning show promise.

But with that being said, Hull’s tale eventually treads all-too-familiar territory with an exploitive “B” movie story fully equipped with horribly staged action sequences, awful dialogue that’s been lifted from practically every bad cop movie out there, subpar rock score, mediocre to bad acting, and sometimes annoying framing and slo-mo shots.

The tale is simple enough, cop gets kidnapped as a young boy, but manages to escape. Years later, he’s tracking the kidnapper who happens to be repeating his steps every ten years or so. The spin on this caper is that Krampus, the Christmas Devil is involved, and Santa is in cahoots! Yes, you read this right, Santa, who looks like Billy Bob Thornton on a bender. The Christmas Devil takes the bad kids and dumps most into a cold lake. For added attraction, he beats bad adults with chained hooks, and plays with the augmented boobies of a young nubile. The only purpose for that…the film needed boobies to go with it’s Herschel Gordon Lewis style of violence.

Now, to some of you, this may sound like a shoo-in for a great bad holiday movie night. But between the long expository dialogue, hack flashbacks, and drawn out hunt in the woods, this movie induces one to press the fast-forward button once too many times to get to something worth watching. And you would think the Krampus would be interesting, but there are far too many shots of it that resemble bad “big foot” footage.

The only semi-rewards offered are getting a glimpse of Krampus’ hooves and teeth. Oh yes, then there are the boobies! I have to admit, they are better represented here than they were in “The Reckoning”. Somebody cared enough to hire a stripper (sorry, I probably have to recant that since I do not know for a fact that the actress has ever been a dancer or stripper).

The lead, Jay Dobyns, fares far better than most in the film. He actually looks like he is trying to bring more to the screen than should be allowed with this kind of film. While whoever plays Krampus gives us his best Darth Vader imitation. And oh, did I mention the boobies?!! Yes, Angelina Leigh is actually billed as “Krampus’ pet”. She’s quite comely as the dark one’s sex kitten.

Once again, I’m making this sound far too much fun than it actually is. Perhaps it’s the Christmas spirit in me toying with my sensibilities. If you are one that relishes in bad movie making, then by all means treat yourself to these naughty, far from delightful pieces of coal, both Krampus outings – “Reckoning” and “Christmas Devil”. And, if you want pure dark fun this holiday season with a dash of the macabre, then I urge you to partake in the joy of Universal’s “Krampus” in theaters, and the insanity of “A Christmas Horror Story”. With those two, all kinds of wrong never felt so right. Wishing all of you a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and to all a good night!