Have you ever tried to get your point across to another person and they just never seem to hear and understand what you are trying to say? Of course you have. It's the cause of many disagreements, arguments and breakups. It's a fundamental process on the path to trying to discover compatibility. How can you get two disparate brains to communicate with one another? That's the BIG question.
You think that just because your brain understands exactly what you are thinking and what you are conveying should be completely understood by a significant other. No way!
Communication and the Brain
You are dealing with two different brain systems. You may share a common language. But, you and your partner possess two different brains, from different genetic pools, family history and personal experiences. There may be some commonalities. But, there is always one significant difference. You have one brain and your significant other has another brain and hopefully the twain/brains will meet.
The chances of that happening are based on many different factors, too many to go into here. My purpose is to help you to understand that your expectations for the other person to immediately understand and take in what you are saying, is questionable at best. Have you ever wondered why there is so much conflict and differences in the world? It's because every brain is wired significantly different than every other brain and that understanding takes work, concentration and the willingness to find some way to connect to another person's brain.
I am not suggesting that you can change the whole world. But, I can give you one small tip that you can experiment and see if it works a little bit for you.
When you notice that what you are saying and trying to communicate doesn't quite get through to your partner or someone else's brain, you might say, "Listen carefully to what I am saying". I am not going to say that this is going to work for you every single time and in every single situation. Understanding another person is an intermediate process between the words coming out of one person's mouth and their ascension into another person's brain and what comes out miraculously might be a total connection and understanding.
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It's an experiment, so try it. If you have a fabulous and a great relationship already, it is probably because your two brains are having great intercourse. I didn't say perfect intercourse. But there is great pleasure and joy in a loving way that your two brains come together. It's like to brains having great sex. The only difference is that it involves two geographical different locations, that may be connected by certain neural pathways. I won't belabor that point anymore.
Just because the two of you may be having great sex, doesn't mean that your two brains are having perfect intercourse. Nothing and no one is perfect. But, your mission in life is to be able to
make a firm and effective connection with the brain of a loving partner. If all circuits are firing and connecting effectively, you will have a fabulous relationship together.
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The Challenge: Working through Glitches
However, there will always be glitches. You want to be fully heard and understood; so does your partner. When that fails, incompatibilities sets in and different pathways disrupt the relationship. Hopefully, you are listening very carefully to what I am saying. You could be disagreeing and putting up a front, a defense, a counter argument. Hopefully, the both of us could and can work it out and come to a mutual understanding, where our brains meet and connect.
Listen very carefully. Listen very carefully. Listen very carefully!
Our compatibility depends upon it. I am going to listen to you with all of my heart and soul, because I want our brains to meet. And by so doing, you and I will come together in total bliss, ecstasy, rapture, passion, dedication, loyalty and pleasure. Success ... Isn't this it?
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Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. LMFT is located in Chatsworth in the San Fernando Valley. You can reach him through his web site at www.psychotherapy.com and psychologytoday.com.
