Enough Is...Is Enough...Enough?

If there's anything I know I did right in my life, it is married the right man.  He loves me enough to love me whomever I am (or become) and whatever I look like be it skinny, plus sized, or anywhere in between.  He also loves me enough to worry when he sees my frame shrink to a size he's not comfortable with, despite a society saying, "Beth Ann, you're so thin!  You look so great!"  He loves me enough to make me upset by sending me an email with this subject line:  How far will you take it to be perfect?  And this link and here's the link to the direct article where you can also view all the images.  (Please be warned it can be upsetting.)

Now, I'm the first to admit, I am a perfectionist.  I am also incredibly, and sadly, codependent.  I, like I think every single woman in the entire American nation, have struggled with food, body image, and being "just" the right size since I was like, um, BORN!  But here is where the question of what is that "just" right size becomes abusive: when articles like that prove that the "just" right size no longer seems to exist without compromising...no, not just compromising, but becoming a demise, of women's health across the nation.  And I'm not simply talking about physically starving themselves or purging what they have consumed or fasting for days to look "just" right for this, that, or the other, then binging like a mad woman.  No...the American society is taking beautiful, smart, healthy, vibrant women and reducing them to a body.  A "look."  It is placing all women in one neat, nice box of what they are "supposed" to look like.  And this, in turn, takes these beautiful, smart, healthy, vibrant, INDIVIDUAL women and makes them another statistic of an eating disorder.  A disease.  They are SICK!  No, not every woman shows outward signs that scream eating disorder, or, really...the severity of each varies, but no matter what...the true demise comes in the mind.  What these women become are haters...of themselves.  Of every beautiful, gorgeous, luscious feature that our wonderful God gave them. 

I hate admitting this so openly, but I feel that I am on a path of change.  Change not just in myself, but of creating positive change for others through my own pain, personal growth, and self acceptance.  I have mentioned before of personal struggles and some of this self hatred has manifested itself more deeply through trying to achieve some level of perfection, in particular, through looking "perfect."  Now, please do not think me so vain that I think I have a perfect body.  I do not.  Quite the contrary.  And THAT, dear friends, is where the problem lies.  We are all on our own journey, and every journey looks a little different with bumps and bruises along the way; however, I feel all of our journeys include a level of self acceptance that we have to achieve to reach a true level of contentment.  The Lord, I swear, is making this point clear to me by throwing things in my face to make me feel these growing pains of my current life situation.  Sunday morning...the sermon was written directly for me.  Or maybe I'm being a bit egotistical, but....how can I not when the pastor preaches about accepting your true self?  The self that goes through life carrying the yoke of the Lord and NOT the world.  The self that accepts who our gracious, good Lord made and not this artificial version that the world expects me to be?  The self that is truly happy and at ease with my situation.  If I am honest...brutally honest?  Well...I think if I went there, as many would agree, I might cry. 

And now I am. 

As I write, with tears beginning to spill over, I am filled with sadness that I have allowed this society to reduce me to even caring if I meet THEIR standards. 

I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond words or can even fathom.  I have more than I ever imagined for myself...and yet...it is still not enough. 

Enough... 

Enough... 

What is enough?  Am I enough?  To my husband...I am enough.  To my Momma...I am enough.  To my lovely, loving, dear friends....I am enough.  To me...

That is a journey I am on, like so many, but with articles like the one above and with amazing pastors putting a few questions to my mind?  Well...maybe I should start with gaining a few pounds for someone who thinks I'm enough, but doesn't WEIGH enough and tell society to stick it sideways where the sun don't shine!