Where Do We Go From Here?

I reconnected with a dear high school friend today, and I know without a shadow of a doubt God definitely made that happen.  Kelly Gorham, a fellow athlete and dear, Christian friend messaged me on Facebook this afternoon.  She said she had been thinking about me and hoped I was well.  I was at my computer so I messaged back and we began to catch up on life, jobs, and the usual, “How are you, where are you?” questions that are inevitable when a great amount of time has passed. 

She updated me that she, being in the military, was hoping to deploy soon knowing that my husband is in the Marines.  Kelly is a medic, and having known her personality for many years, she just wants to help others so she is living her dream.  I told her I was writing now, and she excitedly told me she wants to write a book too, as she loves writing.  She asked me if, as a fellow Christian, she could send me something that had been on her heart lately.  I was incredibly moved by her words, as I know you will be too.  It spoke a strong message to my heart given my own emotional affairs of late, so I asked if it would be all right to share her words and write a little on them.  She, as unselfish as ever, assured me if her words could assist someone in growing closer to God, use any words she had.  Hasn’t changed a bit since high school, that girl. 

The light of my eyes shines upon a thought...of valor and grace, of forgiveness and mercy. And this thought lingers as conviction thunders within and I am called upon. For years, through carnal strife, and immorality, sexual sin and misconception, I have ridden the wagon wheel turn for turn, wondering why I am not at destination. This thought? A rock in the rudder. This conviction? An undying yearn to not remove it...to simply be still as the wheel of my life allows me to reflect. And the cessation of centrifugal force burdens my knees and pushes me to the floor. This is where I should have been all along. Kneeling.  I know for Christians, we often have this same revelation many times through the course of ours lives as we mess up, feel voids, and then understand why the voids are there. So I have essentially 'quit' my friends that I initially made here as they seemed to be enablers to a sinful life. And know, I am pretty alone with my thoughts and my Bible....and lookin for my way. As I find in the world that others don't want to talk about God...so it is nice to share this with you....instead of just holding on to it! Thanks!!!” Kelly Gorham. 

Kelly said something sad but true to me after she sent this:  it’s difficult to share your Christian thoughts and feelings in the military because it has such an unsupportive view of Christians and religion in general.  It seems to me that the person that is actually serving could have a more difficult time in that area than the spouse.  As spouses, there is more availability for expressing these types of views because, typically, but not always as Kelly shows, the spouse is female.  As females, and often females with deployed husbands, we are going to CREATE Bible studies and outings together.  Simply put?  We will create a REASON to connect.  I can tell you, when my husband goes to work, they do NOT sit around reading the Bible and discussing the difficulties they are going through and how Jesus and God can help improve things.  Quite the contrary.  And I imagine for Kelly, especially being a female in a predominantly male career field, it’s even harder.  But I digress with where I was going with this, albeit with some questions moving forward.  I think I may be having a conversation with my husband this evening about introducing Bible studies WITHIN the unit.  Change has to start somewhere, and where better than with a wife asking a few questions.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge ;-)

Despite the sadness it brought me that Kelly has so few around her to connect with on a spiritual & Christian level and share struggles, victories, hopes, dreams, and fears, I was glad to be on her receiving end today.  She made me really stop and think about the question of where we are allegedly “supposed” to be in life.  There is all this pressure to achieve certain things by certain ages or be somewhere by a certain time.  This is going outside of the words that you are reading from Kelly, but she and I, in discussing our lives talked in greater detail about some things.  One thing in particular that Kelly mentioned was being envious.  She admitted she was not proud of this, but let’s be honest…we are ALL envious at times and of someone or something.  I’m envious right this friggin’ second!  Kelly asked me about whether kids were in our near future, and I’m sitting at a coffee shop where a woman and her husband and their two children are laughing together at the young baby.  Why can’t I be in a better place mentally, emotionally, & physically to give my husband children NOW?  Kelly said she was envious of the fact that I am married, and to a good man.  Kelly is a year older than me (I’m 27), and she said, “I was SUPPOSED [there’s that DAMN word again] to have kids before 30, and I don’t even have the prerequisite for getting that job done!”  Why, may I ask, is she SUPPOSED to do anything by any time if that’s not WHERE she is SUPPOSED to be? 

It bears that question once again, where ARE we supposed to be right now?  Well…I’m not where I want to be because I’m looking at my own will.  God’s will and mine are incredibly, astronomically, BLOW ME DOWN different often times, including this very minute.  And this goes back to something I wrote about earlier this week of living my life wearing the yoke of God and NOT the yoke of the world.  Again, you think God is like, um….THROWING things in my face.  He’s like, “BETH ANN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I KNOW YOU CAN’T IGNORE ME FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MUUUUUUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!” 

Ok, totally kidding about the evil laugh at the end, but you see my point.  I mean, really…it doesn’t matter WHERE the heck you are in your life, career, relationships, or ANYTHING!  There’s only ONE place we are REALLY SUPPOSED to be, and Kelly put it beautifully.  We are SUPPOSED to be on our knees…asking the ONLY one who knows where we belong…WHERE we NEED to be.  It will NOT always be where we want, but I can assure you…it’s a hell of a lot better than if we made the decision. 

Kelly mentioned pushing people away that cared so she could live where she would be in charge, and it ended with sinning and sinning and sinning.  How many times a DAY do I do the exact same thing?  And also, how many times a SECOND do I spend hating myself for that very decision?  Sadly, too many to name for even one day. 

It’s a funny thing how often God places such obvious things in my face and how often I blatantly ignore them.  Today I’m finding it too difficult to ignore His message.  God knows the way to my heart because He created it, so He chose a dear friend to just TELL me WHERE I…where ALL of us…NEED to be. 

We may not like it.  It might be uncomfortable because of bad knees and joints (in that case, just go for the prone, baby!).  It might even piss you off.  But the message is clear:  God wants us on our KNEES asking HIM:  where do YOU want me? 

Dear God,

Where do we go from here?

On Bended Knees,

Beth Ann Miller