Kellyanne Conway’s Husband Appointed to Justice Department

New AI Program Can Lip-Read Better Than Humans: Google and Oxford University have reportedly developed an artificial intelligence system that can lip-read significantly better than humans. Researchers caution that the system is not expected to work on chickens, because chickens don’t have lips. As soon as the program is released, its a pretty safe bet books on ventriloquism are gonna start flying off the shelves.

Kellyanne Conway’s Husband Appointed to Justice Department: Donald Trump will soon name top White House adviser Kellyanne Conway's husband, George, to lead the Justice Department's civil division. One thing’s for sure, you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as he assumes the post, all microwaves are gonna be removed from employee cafeterias.

Woman's Face Burned After Headphones Explode Mid-Flight: A flight attendant poured a bucket of sparkling water on a sleeping Australian woman's face after her battery-operated headphones exploded mid-flight, burning her face. The article didn’t specify what the make and model was, but I’m pretty sure it was a Boeing 777.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Owner Offers $20K Reward for Exotic Savannah Cat: An exotic Savannah cat - which is a cross between a domesticated cat and a wild African serval cat - has gone missing in Marina Del Rey and his owner is willing to pay $20,000 to get him back. While I hope they get him back, my guess is Trump had him deported. As a precaution, the Department of Fish and Game is warning Marina Del Rey residents who may be raising wildebeests or antelope to be on the lookout and protect their herds.

Fight Over Doughnuts Result in 1 Dead and Deputy Injured: Investigators in Florida say a fight over doughnuts led a man to kill his mother’s fiancé and wound a sheriff’s deputy after 24-year-old Jeffrey Falsey asked his mother to get him doughnuts and when she refused, her heavily armed son who has mental health issues became angry and started shooting. Say what you will, but had the son not been heavily armed, he probably still might not have any doughnuts. That said, its obvious the man had mental issues, you’d have to be crazy to mess with the cops in a doughnut shop.

Cindy Jacobs Claims God Wants Rich Christians to Attract More Jews: Self-declared “prophet” Cindy Jacobs preached at a church in New Jersey, telling the congregation that God is busy making certain Christians incredibly rich in order to make Jews jealous so they’ll convert to the One True Faith resulting in a “great harvest of Jews.” Good gracious, I can see it all now, a string of shiny copper pennies leading from local delis - straight into the nearest Christian church - with all the Jews lining up two-by-two and marching right into church! I guess my only question would be, since you guys say “the Jews” already control of all the banks and the media, what’s the point?

Sean Spicer Says You Can Trust Trump If He’s Not Joking: Peter Alexander of NBC News asked White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer whether people should trust the president to tell the truth, to which Spicer said “yes they can, unless he’s joking.” Which is kind of an interesting response considering that as far as I can tell, the whole Trump presidency is basically a joke. Let’s put it this way, if Trump were Pinocchio, his nose would stretch all the way to the Kremlin.

Low-Flow Toilets Required In California: Under a recently passed law, California will become the first state in the nation to require low-flow toilets in virtually all homes, apartment houses and businesses. Meanwhile, those opposed to the measure ask just “how low can you flow?”

CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare: The Congressional Budget Office has determined that the new House Republican proposal to rewrite federal healthcare law would throw 24 million people off of health insurance, raise premiums for older, low-income Americans, while at the same time [providing] $285 billion in tax breaks for the top two percent. Yea, but the important thing to remember is that each of those 24 million people will now be free to choose whichever plan they can't afford. Which made me think, does anyone remember back when Republicans actually cared about the poor and middle class? Neither do I.

US Reportedly Planning Decapitation Attack Against Kim Jong-un: Its being reported in a South Korean publication that US Navy’s SEAL Team 6 is helping to plan a “decapitation attack” aimed at taking out Kim Jong-un and much of North Korea’s political leadership. Sounds like a really great idea! And I’m sure the Chinese will be right on board with that one. I mean hell, it's only been about a hundred years since Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated. That ended pretty well.

Kellyanne Conway Warns of Microwave Spying: In a recent interview, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway suggested that U.S. intelligence agents often spy on Americans using typical household appliances such as microwaves that can also be used as cameras. Personally, I’m not all that concerned about my microwave, but I am becoming a little suspicious about my George Foreman Grill.

Nuns Accuse Katy Perry of Witchcraft: In an ongoing battle with Katy Perry after she revealed she intends to purchase a former convent put up for sale by the Catholic Church, some of the nuns of the conservative Order of the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary say they don’t approve of the singer’s lifestyle (read - she supports the LGBTQ community) and are now claiming that she is actually a witch. Wow, what century are we in again? I bet those nuns are just saying things like that out of habit. That said, I’m guessing there are quite a few people out there who wouldn’t object to being put under a spell by Katy Perry. Interesting when you consider you’ve got Satan living right in the White House - and they're concerned about Katy Perry buying an old convent.

Researchers Say Daylight Saving Time Not So Great: According to recent data, the switch to daylight saving time is responsible for an increase in heart attacks and strokes, more car accidents, reduced worker productivity and, country to what was once believed, does not cut the nation’s energy bill. Good to know information. The last thing we need is to be left in the dark about daylight saving time.

Hair Loss Drug Propecia Carries Impotency Risk: The popular hair loss drug Propecia is now being linked to impotency and other long-term sexual problems. So let me get this straight - guys are basically taking Propecia so they can get laid, but when they finally get the girls - they discover they’re now impotent? Now that’s what I call really getting screwed!

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

NASA Stunned by Photo of Saturn Moon Pan: A new photograph taken by NASA’s Cassini spacecraft, shows a close-up of Saturn’s elusive and odd looking moon “Pan,” prompting some to call the object “space ravioli.” Humm, Pan-fried space ravioli? While it does sound rather good, I seriously doubt if its worth going all the way to Saturn for.

GOP Bill Allows Companies to Obtain Employee Genetic Information: House Democrats and a number of privacy advocacy groups came out against a House GOP-sponsored bill that would reportedly make it easier for employers to gain access to genetic information about their employees and their families. Companies counter that they need this information in order to screen out applicants who may have been raised by wolves.

Massive Water Reservoir Found Circling Giant Quasar: Astronomers have discovered a water reservoir containing 140 trillion times the amount of water in all the Earth's oceans circling around a distant quasar, making it the largest mass of water ever detected in the universe. Good grief, you’re telling me even quasars have to deal with water retention? What’s next? Do all these stars make my galaxy look too fat?