Choosing Your Therapist

Okay, let's say you've got a few names for therapists and you need to narrow it down to who you're going to see.  How do you choose the person you're going to do such an intimate piece of work with?  Here are some of the reasons people have told me they chose me:

* "You sounded nice on the phone"

* "You were the only one who called me back"

* "You were the first one who called me back"

* "Your office is close to my home/job"

* "I liked the sound of your voice on your message machine."

I don't want to negate these reasons, but they are not, in my opinion, sufficiently compelling for anyone to put their trust in me.  Signing on to do a piece of therapy is a pretty big deal, and I feel much better about those who chose me because I was personally recommended by someone such as a former client or their doctor, or who heard me give a talk, who regularly read my blog and resonated with what I wrote, or who somehow knew something significant about me or how I practice.

So how do you get this information?

I believe the single best way to choose a therapist, at least to interview, is via a recommendation from someone you trust.  This should be supplemented with a thorough review of the website, which I think can actually tell you a lot about the therapist.  But you still have to decide if this is the person with whom you want to sign on.

In making the first call, I recommend not to committing to more than four sessions initially.  One session is not enough to make a long term decision, and if you are going to make a mistake in judgment, it will likely be a false positive -- in other words, thinking someone is a better fit than they actually turn out to be.

The second thing I recommend is that you consider yourself a consumer and that you need to make an informed decision about whether this person is right for you.  Here are some questions you might use to help you determine this:

a)   How long have you been in practice?  Experience is not a make or break issue, but you should at least know if you're getting someone at the start of his/her career or with a lot of years under his/her belt.

b)  How much do you give advice vs. how much do you listen? 

c)   What is your position on sharing personal information with me?

d)  How comfortable are you in dealing with issue X or issue Y?

e)   Have you done your own therapy?

f)    Do you have a particular style or theorist you work by?  Why did you choose that person/method?

These are just some ideas to get you thinking.  You can ask anything you want to ask and you should pay attention to how your new therapist handles your wanting to know something.  Does it make him/her defensive?  Do they take you seriously?  Do you feel you are treated respectfully, even if they choose not to answer a question?  Do you feel your questions are being addressed or evaded?  If you have doubts, speak them.  I can't tell you how many times people have contacted me to begin therapy when they're already seeing someone else because they're dissatisfied with that person.  The first question I ask is:  "Have you told your therapist your concerns?"  You have to give the person the chance to address any questions you might have.  If you keep them locked up inside you, you're missing an opportunity to not only gather new information but also to bring the two of you closer.

Next week:  guest blogger Amie Frischer writes about termination in therapy.

Do you have a question about your marriage or relationship? Is there a particular topic on relationships or individual psychological issues you would like addressed in this blog? Ask Josh in the comments below or email him at josh@joshgressel.com.

Josh Gressel, Ph.D., is a couples and individual therapist based in Pleasant Hill, CA. Visit his website at joshgressel.com.  He is currently accepting referrals.