Does "Closure" Exist for the Bereaved?

What is meant by “closure” after the death of a loved one?  Does closure exist?  Why does society utilize this terminology in this context? Merriam Webster defines closure in several ways, including: “an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality (victims needing closure). It may be possible in some circumstances to find a degree of comfort in the sense of finality; but can that sense of finality ever be “satisfying”?

Events of mourning such as funerals, celebrations of life, or scattering of ashes may provide people with a sense of acknowledging the death through formal good-byes, memory, ritual and gathering. However, the emotional aspect of losing a loved one is never truly closed. People are forever changed by the loss of a parent, child, spouse, sibling, extended family, friend, colleague, and possibly even people they have not met, such as public figures.  This loss is revisited time and time again through memory. Events such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, joys or struggles of life, and sensory recall are constant reminders that someone who was integral to our life is missing.

This begs the question of where the term closure comes from, and how can we change the perception that we have closure after loss? Michael Bull notes in his article There’s not always ‘closure’ in the never-ending story of grief”, The Conversation (2011), “The exact history of utilizing the term closure is uncertain”. Some possible roots include medieval analogies to closing a wound, and others refer to psychological history of closing grief or unresolved issues to move forward. By utilizing closure, there could be an implication that grief has specific timeframes or definable steps that someone must pass through. We know from working with bereaved individuals that this is not necessarily true. Bull continues by stating “…closure can also aptly express a part of the grief process – not an end but a possibility for moving a step further”.

 Many people describe closure as accepting the death; or resolving feelings, such as guilt, anger or sadness. These are important steps to accepting and integrating the death and being able to emotionally allow a new life to evolve. Certainly in the case of missing remains or mysterious deaths, there might be answers perceived as closure such as being able to view the deceased or know what happened to them. Deaths that result in legal actions leave people feeling that something is unresolved, and therefore, not closed. However, we have learned from working with bereaved people in such cases that each new step in the process of an investigation or legal proceeding does not end up leaving them with a sense of closure. It may create sadness and frustration by not returning the results they expected, or leaves them with some answers and a continued yearning for their loved one.

The impact on the bereaved is affected by many factors such as the unique qualities of the relationship and the loss. Every person will mourn differently. Therefore, to use the word closure and anticipate it will be applicable to the population at large is not serving the individuals in their unique experience. Following the death of her husband, Joan Sutton, in an article for the Huffington Post writes “And. Do. Not. Speak. To. Me. Of. Closure. What a hideous word. Closure. If you have truly loved someone, you do not ever want to close off the memory of that love, the richness of that experience”.

David Kessler, who worked with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, talks about closure by stating that he and Elizabeth “do not believe in closure”.  They think of it as a “peace” rather than closure; that people learn to live without their loved one.  “You get to a place where there is more love than pain. There’s never a day we get past it and close the door. We hurt less often and the intensity of pain is less. You don’t ever forget…loved ones move  from ‘in front of us to beside us’”.  

This is not to say people will suffer with grief indefinitely; or become angry if they hear a word like closure. People grieve because they loved. Most people are able to put the death into perspective, accept and integrate the loss, and carry forward with their lives. And some people, while finding day-to-day challenges in grief, are filled with gratitude over having had their loved one in their life. The key point to this is to not assume that people will find closure, and to choose words carefully when addressing the bereaved. 

Cheryl Heinla, M.A., MFT Registered Intern 60791

Supervised by Stephen Polin, 7861

http://www.oakcreekcenter.org/cheryl_heinla1.htm

Sources:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/closure?show=0&t=1374118134

http://theconversation.com/theres-not-always-closure-in-the-never-ending-story-of-grief-3096

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/joan-sutton/grieving-after-losing-a-spouse_b_2569051.html Joan Sutton, After My Husband's Death I Don't Want Closure. Huffintgon Post, 1/29/2013. Huff Post Living-Canada.

Kessler quote/reference:  From a seminar On Grief and Grieving, produced by CMI- PESI, July 23, 2013, presented by David Kessler (friend and student of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross).