Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Suicide

My heart aches for all the deaths our town has faced in the last 15+ years. If you didn’t know the person individually, chances are you know someone who did and your heart hurts for them. And every year around “Suicide Prevention Week” I can’t help but think about the teens I knew who took their own lives. Suicide Prevention Week was last week and sadly, I don’t believe much was done in the schools to bring awareness to the topic.

I graduated from Ramona High in 2008 and between those four years of high school I learned of at least three suicides by my classmates. I’ve been out of high school for four years now and since then I have known of at least five suicides or suicide attempts by people I graduated with or my sister graduated with in 2005.

But now, it seems that the age range for suicide is getting younger and sadly the schools aren’t doing anything to educate its students about the topic. A few years ago, Ramona High did an event called “Every 15 Minutes,” which discussed the affects of Driving under the Influence. I think now, its Ramona’s turn to present an assembly about teen suicide to bring awareness to the schools and not just once a year. Until then, all we can do as a community is educate ourselves, friends, and families as much as we can.

I don’t want to get too deep into the topic of suicide itself, but I want to talk about the people who suffer the most, the after-math of suicide. This week I am seeing a lot of discussion about “Now What,” and “How do I talk to my child about this?” and with that I have a few things to share with you all on how to cope with the loss of your loved one and how to talk to your friends about it or if you are a parent, how to talk to your child.

The first and most important thing we need to remember when we are dealing with suicide is it’s not going to be easy to comfort those who lost their loved one. Sadly, there are no words or actions one can do to make the hurt go away. But we need to remember, it’s okay to grieve, this loss was unexpected and it’s going to sting. The best thing you can do is give yourself time to accept the loss, deal with the hurt, and gradually pick yourself up again.

Grief has no timeline and it has no pattern, it’s expected that you are going to be up and down within your emotions. Healing takes time and chances are you’ll be asking a lot of “whys,” followed by some anger, confusion, and guilt. These are all common responses to grieving and those grieving should know that it is totally acceptable and okay to grieve.

We need to also remember that everyone deals with Death in different ways. You could be crying and at loss while another person is in complete denial–just remember not to get angry with someone if they seem to be dealing with it differently and remember that you aren’t the only one grieving, so you should surround yourself with friends and family who are doing the same because you need each other during these times.

Since the age range of suicide is getting younger, the death is usually followed by a wave of questions by their friends and classmates. Whether they don’t know what suicide is or they don’t understand why this person did it in the first place, there will always be questions of “why?” This can usually be followed of “what could I have done to help?” All these questions leave educators and parents at a loss for words. I’ve come to realize that sometimes, it’s because the adult doesn’t think the child will understand, or that they are too young to hear about these heavy topics.

But the truth is, the child will never be educated if we as adults aren’t teaching them anything. The best thing one can do when discussing this topic, or any topic, with friends and family is to have an “open and honest policy.” Communication is the best possible way to get your point across, don’t be afraid of saying something wrong in fear of the reactions you may get.

Parents, think of a way you can discuss death with your children because sadly death is going to happen around them. Let them know that it’s okay to be confused, scared, afraid, and angry. Adults are "supposed to have all the answers," but when it comes to death, its okay that they don’t–children just need to know that you are there for them.

Teens, don’t be afraid to go to an adult and talk to adults about what you are feeling, and don’t be afraid to discuss these things with your friends too because chances are they feel the same way. Lean on each other for support because this is the time when you need it the most.

Throughout the last 16 years that I have lived in Ramona, I think I can speak for everyone when I say; we have the best, most loving community. We come together when tragedy strikes and we celebrate when successes are made. Although it’s easy to get caught up in the rumors and scandals, I also believe knowing everyone or almost everyone is a good thing because you know that someone will always have your back.

Ramona has seen hard times, such as: wild fires, shootings, murders, gang violence, suicides, and the never ending car accidents. The thing about living in a small town, such as ours, is that when something affects one of us, it affects all of us–nobody will have to face the hard times alone.

If you are having thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There will be someone on the other end for you. You aren't alone. You are loved and you are meant for a beautiful life.

-Ashlee

In recent incidents, I would like to remind everyone to Respect the Privacy of the Family who recently lost their loved one to this tragedy.