Incoming Freshmen Face 'Hard Reality'

The transition from middle school to high school can be tough—ask anyone. Besides navigating their way around a new campus, freshman are studying new subjects, making new friends and adjusting to their new place in the world, all the while dealing with the possibility of rejection.

According to three local experts, not making the freshman team of a sport kids have been playing all their lives can be a crushing blow; the same goes for exclusion from clubs, student council, honor roll and pep squads.

At in Redondo Beach, Brett Ploumen said he, like most at the school, "encourages kids to have their dreams."

But while the attitude in middle school can be "overly optimistic at times," he said, there is a "different mentality" in high school.

Reality can hit hard, said Ploumen, who has worked as a counselor for 20 years.

"Kids have to maintain grades to play sports in high school," he said. "We inform them of that. You get cut if your grades drop."

Ninth-grade students have "a much heavier workload" than they did in middle school and may have to rethink any activity that interferes with their studies.

"A lot of kids grow up in the ninth grade," Ploumen said, adding that "some arrive prepared; others are overwhelmed." Rejection can make them feel that "all their dreams are shattered" and they just give up, he said.

"A parent can be in denial" as well, Ploumen said. "They have to deal with their own disappointment" before they can help the child "find some confidence in other avenues in life."

When counseling individually at Adams, Ploumen asks "what if"-type questions, such as, "What’s your back-up plan in life?"

If the student became a big league player, for example, what would he or she do if it were suddenly taken away?

Dr. Valerie Maxwell, who has been helping families deal with issues from effects of divorce to learning disabilities for 30 years, said learning to have a "Plan B" will aid children throughout their lives.

Married for 25 years and the mother of two grown children, the psychologist said Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), which she employs in her Manhattan Beach practice, "is the key to being able to help a child deal with rejection."

Her reputation is built to a large degree around treating children. 

Maxwell said young teens must learn that "feelings are not facts."

To change the way children respond to rejection, it is necessary for them to gain enough objectivity to examine the evidence and replace negative thoughts.

The "central core" of CBT is to "reframe" the issue, Maxwell said, stressing that reframing does not mean altering the facts. If a child didn't make the baseball team or honors English, the picture stays the same.

Changeable are the feelings surrounding the picture, she said—thoughts such as, "Oh, my God, I'm going to die! I'm no good … I'm worthless!"

Such thoughts can turn obsessive and eventually spill over into other areas of the child’s life.

Reframing the picture offers a child an opportunity to see that rejection is not about losing so much as "making lemonade out of lemons," Maxwell said.

Children who don't learn to reframe the picture "have a tough time throughout life," Maxwell said. "Kids have to learn how to turn rejection into opportunity."

CBT research shows that "people can be taught to reframe" negativity in every single case. Those who do, she said, "make the most money, are the most successful and have the greatest amount of happiness."

Conversely, "preprogramming" children to win sets them up for failure.

"Parents make a big mistake in entitling these kids," the psychologist said. Repeatedly telling children, "You can do it. You can win. You can do anything!" creates "false expectations."

No one has the perfect job, the perfect partner or the perfect life, Maxwell said. She quoted psychologist Clayton Lafferty: "Perfection is a sure cure for happiness."

"The reverse side is a [child's] personal best," she said. Children told to do their best will try their hardest and begin to emphasize effort as opposed to perfection.

Dealing differently with rejection "is a matter of learning the basic tools," she said.

1. Active listening by a parent is the first step. (Simply repeat back to the child what he or she has said to you, e.g. "You feel you are going to die because you didn't make the team. You feel you are no good.")
2. Start to reframe the facts.  
3. Ask the child to find something positive in the experience. (A way to show courage? Build character? Learn how and what to improve?)  

Even if a child is unable to come up with a single benefit at first, "there is always something positive," Maxwell said.

One of her patients, for example, a victim of date rape, realized her life had improved because she no longer hung out with the wrong people.

"It is up to parents to preset expectations," Maxwell said. Along with encouraging them to do their best, telling children that "they will be OK" if they don't win or make the team gives them breathing room.

Sometimes talking to a detached third party can help, according to marriage and family therapist Konnay Franklet.

Franklet applies 26 years of teaching K-12 and special education in the South Bay to her budding Redondo/Hermosa Beach practice.

All but retired from teaching, Franklet specializes in family issues and helping at-risk teens (conduct disorder, drug possession, repeat offenders). "That’s where my heart is," she said.

The Alaskan-born Franklet, who bears the first name of her Alaskan/Indian grandmother, said a parent isn't the only one suited to help a child "navigate through disappointments."

One of the best things incoming freshmen can do is "start building a relationship" with their school counselor, Franklet said. "They know the ins and the outs of the school."

Ninth graders—normally assigned to counselors alphabetically—are likely to retain the same individual for all four years.

Advice dispensed by a detached—though trusted—third party can sometimes free a boy or girl in turmoil more effectively than a parent or guardian, she said, especially if the student works to "create a rapport" with the counselor.

As a school counselor on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, Franklet would meet with students without the mandatory appointment. She would tell them at the onset of their relationship that, if they ever needed her, "Just come and knock on my window, and I'll let you in."

Although she has no children of her own, "My students have always been my kids," the therapist said.

The transition from middle school to high school can be especially difficult for boys who "think they are on top of world" one minute only to find out "they are not all they thought they were," she said.

Although boys undergo normal hormonal changes and mood swings in the 13-16 age bracket, parents need to stay vigilant if behavior becomes too erratic (isolation and rage), as it may indicate drug use.

Because young teens are vulnerable to all sorts of "experiments" in high school, including substance abuse and sex, participating in sports and clubs (drama, debate)—even if the group is a second or third choice—can help "keep them in line," the therapist said.

Volunteering for a non-profit organization offers another healthy avenue. "Giving back is really important to instill in kids, even if it's just one day a month," she said.

They may dislike the idea at first, Franklet said, but "once invested, I've seen kids want to continue all four years."

Like those interviewed above, Franklet says rejection—whether it comes from a sport, club or member of the opposite sex—should be viewed by parents as "a teaching moment."

Exclusion is an opportunity to discuss in specific ways how everyone experiences disappointments in life. If the rejection comes in terms of a team sport, the child should seek advice from the coach as to how and what to improve, she said.

Showing initiative by inviting the coach into the mix will leave a good impression; the child can "continue to hone his skills" and possibly make the team next year.