How to Stop YELLING and Get Your Child to Really Listen

Parenting toddlers and preschoolers can often be summed up as this: All joy and no fun. They are sweet bundles of loveable energy one moment and epic tantrum throwers the next.  When it’s the end of a long day and your three-year-old melts down over the wrong color water cup for 30 minutes (or more), it can be exasperating. And sometimes exasperated parents yell.

“NO MORE WHINING, YOUNG MAN!”

“STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”

“I SAID NO!”

Do you relate?

Problem is, yelling makes us feel awful. Worse yet, it’s been shown to be harmful to kids and ineffective in changing problem behavior. Truth is that yelling sends children into fight or flight mode, meaning that they are pushed toward aggression by yelling back at us, or freeze in a state of fear. Neither of these reactions allows for a child to be able to listen or, more importantly, learn. When we are visibly aggressive, angry or frustrated with our children, they become more focused on our behavior and energy and not their own.

So how exactly do you get your child to listen to you—the first time—without raising your voice, using threats or bribes? There’s a simple and effective approach, developed by parenting pioneers Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline, called Love and Logic. The cornerstone of Love and Logic parenting is empathy to address misbehavior with a calm, empathetic voice, followed immediately by loving consequences.

What does that mean and how do you do it?  

Daryl Morales, Lighthouse Counseling and Family Resource Center’s Family Support Specialist and Love and Logic facilitator, explains: “The second you see misbehavior in your child, lower your volume and soften your tone and address it with an empathetic statement like ‘oh no’ or ‘that’s so sad.’ When you approach the situation from a place of empathy, it actually forces the brain into learning and thinking mode. Then, you hold your child accountable for the behavior by following through with a consequence in a calm and loving way. When you do this, your child learns to stop misbehaving because they want to avoid the consequence. The consequence becomes the bad guy, not you, the parent.”

Lucky for parents, caregivers and teachers in the Roseville, Rocklin and Lincoln areas, you can learn more from Daryl about the Love and Logic approach for free through the Lighthouse Counseling and Family Resource Center in Lincoln. The Love and Logic Early Childhood class, supported by First 5 Placer, is specifically designed for parents with children ages 0-5 years of age and is offered throughout the year. Contact info@lighthousefrc.com or call (916) 645-3300 for more information.

Want some more tips for how to keep your cool and quit the yelling habit? Here are a couple excellent reads:

10 Ways to Stop Yelling–Parenting.com

You CAN Stop Yelling. Here’s your 10 step plan