Why a Man in a Thong Bikini Unraveled an Entire Town

It is true that Americans have an aversion to skin yet watch more porn than any nation on earth. Afterall, we have cultural norms. But these so-called norms, do not invoke truth, significance, and the human experience. Borrego Springs is a community like no other, perhaps in the entire world. All for the wrong reasons.

I am a 71-year-old man who competes in athletic events on three continents. I come here every summer to train in the heat. Exertion in the heat builds blood plasma which in turn, transports red blood cells to the vital organs, making for enhanced athletic performance. It’s kind of like a natural drug. I wear a thong bikini mostly for mobility, facility of movement and comfort. This does not sit well with many local residents.

Borrego Springs is an enigma. With a conducive environment for optimal health, this desert community per capita, has probably the sickest people on the planet. How sick are these residents? They are so sick that there is a pharmacy in the local liquor store. Geez! And then the locals cast all types of nasty aspersions upon my athleticism. Cigarette butts and beer cans liter the streets here, people walk with canes, walkers, and are hunched over in misery yet a virile healthy man of 71, fit as 1000 bulls is called a pervert and worse. All because of that nasty skin.

Some lady stretching the truth to eternity, threatened me with citizen arrest. This for running in 110-degree heat at a constant heart rate of 156 beats per minute for 42 minutes. So, in order to preempt this idiocy, I called the sheriff myself. When the deputy arrived at my doorstep, he said, “You have broken no laws, just ignore them.” Well, can you imagine? Many locals demanded I leave town. These ignorant folks called me a threat to the children. Well, the children ought to emulate my behavior, so that when they are elderly, they will be healthy citizens. Never mind my pristine record as a public-school elementary teacher.

The nation is on fire with strife and all people can see is skin. Think about that for a moment. A 71-year-old man, in perfect physical condition, never having taken drugs or medication and harmless as a flea, is burned at the stake. Again, I ask why? There is a predominant clergy in this community, and it is a wonderment why they don’t weigh in on this immorality. OK. It’s getting hot now, and I have to run. Best in health and fitness. Dan Smiechowski Borrego Springs