How you can Help the Family of a Terminally Ill Patient

If you know someone who is taking care of a sick family member, there are ways that you can help!

First, realize that there is an immense amount of stress that a caretaker goes through.  They have no time for themselves and some days they feel like they are losing their minds.  They need all the help they can get.

I’m watching my mother in law go through this right now with my father in law.  The illness came on suddenly; one day Dad was robust and healthy, golfing and raking the leaves in the yard.  The next day he was sick, diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer.  He suddenly needed help to do normal, every day things.

My husband, Drew, and I drove from California to South Carolina to help.  When we arrived, we noticed that Mom had lost over twenty five pounds.  The house needed repairs and the yard had been neglected.  Mom was spending all her time taking care of Dad.

Immediately we went to work, cleaning up the yard and getting the house back in order.  But the greatest need was with the day to day things, such as fixing Dad’s meals and medicines and helping to move him around.  It takes two people to give him a shower and put him to bed; and these things are very time consuming, which means there’s little time for anything else.

A lot of people want to help, but they don’t know how.  They stop by and want to say their goodbyes, meaning well, but not realizing that too many visitors takes a toll on both the patient and the caretaker.

Here’s my list of do’s and don’ts for those of you who want to help someone who is taking care of a sick family member:

HUG THE CARETAKERS!  The people taking care of the patient may appear strong, but they are crumbling inside.  Give them a hug, pat them on the back and tell them “you’re doing a great job.”  When my sister in law, Constance, said these words, it provided great relief from what felt like a pressure cooker building up inside.  Your loving acknowledgement of their work will provide more of the strength that they will need to continue going.

DON’T CALL THE CARETAKER FOR UPDATES:  I notice the phone in Mom’s house never stops ringing.  It gets overwhelming, and though it’s from people who care, it’s too much for her to have twenty conversations the same day about the health of Dad.  If you want an update on the patient, call another family member instead, one who would have answers but isn’t busy with the patient.

BRING A BIG SMILE:  Come with sunshine rather than sadness.  The patient needs to see happy faces.

LEAVE QUICKLY:  If you want to visit, don’t stay long.  It’s exhausting for a terminally ill person to visit with you.  Ten minutes is a good amount of time, and then leave.

CALL BEFORE VISITING AND DON’T SHOW UP WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE:  Sick people take naps and have good days and bad days.  You don’t want to show up at a bad time.  Call ahead.  And when visiting, don’t bring anyone who doesn’t need to be there (i.e. your girlfriend that doesn’t know the person).  The more people that come to visit, the more tired the patient gets.  Keep it small and peaceful.

DON’T ASK “HOW ARE YOU FEELING”:  This is asked by every single person!  Instead, talk about a happy memory with the patient.  Or tell them about something nice going on in your life.  Feel out how much energy the patient has; if they are having trouble speaking, then make it easy on them and don’t ask questions.

HELP CLEAN THE HOUSE:  Many people ask mom “how can I help?”  She doesn’t like to ask for help, and she is often so tired or worn out that she can’t think about what she needs.  Walk in the house and look around to see what needs to be done.  If there are dishes in the sink, wash them, dry them and put them away.  Or if a light bulb is out, replace it.  If the trash is full, take it out.  Look for things that need to be done, and then do it.  Every litle thing helps.

GROCERY SHOP:  The caretaker can’t get away very easily; offer to go to the store or the pharmacy for her.

SIT WITH THE SICK PERSON/GIVE THE CARETAKER A BREAK:  Mom can’t leave Dad alone.  Offer to give the caretaker an hour to get out of the house, to work out, to take a walk, etc.  If you can, offer to do it every day for a week at the same time; this is a gracious gift that does wonders for the caretaker’s inner peace.

KEEP YOUR MEDICAL OPINIONS TO YOURSELF:  A lot of people mean well and offer advice on how to care for the patient.  But they aren’t the ones who have to administer it.  Unless you are living with the sick person, keep it to yourself.  The caretaker is being barraged with opinions and it’s overwhelming.

PROVIDE MORAL SUPPORT FOR THE CARETAKER:  The caretakers are under an immense amount of stress.  Not only are they sad, but they are overwhelmed with all the things that they have to do every day.  Often they aren’t eating or getting enough sleep and they aren’t taking care of themselves.  Offer kind words of encouragement.  Tell them what a great job they are doing.  Sometimes just a pat on the back makes them feel better, even if just for a moment.

One final thought:  Even if the caretaker has regular help, such as a hospice nurse or other family members who are staying with her, she still needs your help! 

Love and kindness will go a long way.

Have you been a caretaker?  Please, share in the comments your additional suggestions on how to help.

Thanks for reading,

Maria