Is it YOUR Deep Bond?--Mothers and Daughters!

Your Deep Bond?--Mothers and Daughters! 

From Aileen Brazeau, co-owner, San Clemente Villas by the Sea 

My gerontologist friend, Karen Everett Watson, writes sage advice to elders and to their children like me. I love to pass these on to the friends of our lovely retirement community, San Clemente Villas by the Sea. See what Karen says…

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 What is it about daughters that they just don't want to be like their moms, especially through their younger years? I remember being one of those daughters. I also remember having one of those daughters. You know what they say about "pay back." It's all so true. Now I have had a few friends who said, "I've always wanted to be just like my mom." Somehow, I just don't believe them. 

The funny thing is, the older I get, the more I do want to be just like my momma. I'm not the only one. I've talked to dozens of seniors that have stories much like mine. One of my neighbors took care of her aging mom until she died at over 100 years old.Charlene was a "modern" woman and took a much different path in life than her momma did. 

She was a business woman while her mother taught school. But when Charlene retired, she took up the teaching profession. I asked her why she decided to teach. "'Cause that's what my momma did," she said. "It makes me feel close to her." 

I think one reason why daughters do their best not to compete with their moms is because many of us were born to very dynamic people. In my young mind, I knew I'd never be able to cook as good, sew as well, or even be as pretty as my momma, so why try? So, instead I played softball, loved golfing, and hanging out with my dad.

 Momma didn't mind. She was always busy working and cooking and gardening and being creative. She made me tired just watching her. Today at 77 years old, she still can run circles around me! 

Somewhere around my mid 30's, my interests began to change. I thought more about my momma's life and the lives of my grannies. It began to dawn on me how hard their lives had been and yet they endured with dignity, grace and hard work. I'd never had to haul water and then build a fire just to wash clothes like my grannies did. 

My own momma didn't have a dryer until I was around 10. I know I hadn't appreciated enough the conveniences I had. I had spent way too much time having pity parties because some of my friends had life a little easier than mine. 

Then the garden began to call my name. I found a lot of joy in working the dirt and planting a veggie patch. Many times I'd think about my momma and grannies. They all loved to garden. While I was a late comer, I dug in with a passion. 

It made me feel proud to serve my growing family food that I had tended to. There's nothing like digging your very own home grown red potatoes! It also made me feel connected to all the women who came before me. 

Sometimes I'd take a break from digging, lean on my shovel and try to imagine my grannies in their own veggie patches. I tried to remember all the things that they grew, so I could grow them too! 

At one point, I strung up a clothes line. I found it wonderful to be out in the fresh air and hang my troubles on the line. The sunshine always lifts my spirits. It's also a great way to have the best smelling clothes around! I also learned to sew, bake delicious bread (without a bread machine) and I love my flock of laying hens.

 When my own daughter was nearing her teen years, I recognized that look in her eyes that my mother must have seen in me. While Tara had never been interested in playing with dolls, (indeed she was actually almost as big a tomboy as I was) suddenly she was a Barbie fan. 

You might have guessed it. I can't stand Barbie. She wanted her room painted pink! Ugh! She hated spending time with me out in the garden. She would actually volunteer to clean the whole house if I didn't make her do some weeding. 

Well, the good news is that somewhere around her 30th birthday, that all changed. Even though she lives in town, she has a sweet little veggie garden patch just outside her kitchen. Her flower beds look better than mine by far with colorful blooming plants and pretty shrubs. She loves to come over when the blackberries get ripe so she and her boys can pick buckets of berries on the land where she grew up. 

It's a mystery to me why and how we women go through these turbulent phases before we're actually grown. Personally, I find it sad that I spent a lot of time trying to avoid my mom instead of learning great lessons from her. Well, we're both still alive. I guess I'd better make up for lost time. I know she still has a lot to teach me. 

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See why I love these notes from Karen? Doesn’t Karen have some great insights and subtle hints that are useful to us all?  Next time you see YOUR mom or elder relative, ask them to recall the domestic tasks that they liked the most…and the least. Share with them YOUR experiences around the house and yard, and start a dialog. It’s a great way to stay engaged, exercise long forgotten memories, and, well…just bond.

Aileen Brazeau 

San Clemente Villas provides full-service, luxury assisted living to those over the age of 65. It is located at 660 Camino De Los Mares, San Clemente, CA 92673. Phone:  (949) 289-1534 Fax: (949) 234-0081. Contact:  Aileen Brazeau, Co-Owner of San Clemente Villas by the Sea. | abrazeau@cox.net.