My Thoughts on Suicide -- RIP Robin Williams -- from a Woman who Lived It

By Kristi Hugstad

My husband, Bill Brotherton, completed suicide by running in front of a train in Dana Point where we lived. Bill was an only child and his father, Bill Sr., was on the train he ran in front of. What was going on in his head? Was he trying to punish me, his father? Why? We did everything we could to help him!

I discovered Bill had battled mental illness most of his life. He was an expert at hiding it. He didn’t talk about it, he just became very quiet and withdrawn. Mental illness is a sickness, a disease. Bill was actually thinking of me and his parents as he repeatedly commented on, “not wanting to be a burden.” “Move on and meet someone else.” ”Please take care of my parents.” “Why are you trying to help me?”

His thoughts were twisted, his reality distorted, he had paranoid delusions, fear, anxiety and the inability to think clearly enough to even know his thoughts were not normal.

So his suicide was not an act of selfishness. What IS selfish is me thinking that Bill, who was experiencing such torture and pain, owed it to me to live. Bill’s reality was no longer the same as mine anymore. Suicide seemed like the logical answer for him.

A cancer patient in pain and succumbing to the cancer can die, despite all the attempts at treatment. A patient, dealing with mental illness, despite all the attempts at treatment, may also succumb to their disease and die. Suicide is the FATAL symptom.

Our country needs to take mental illness seriously and increase accessibility and affordability!!!

I recently became a grief recovery specialist to help others in their journey through grief. One thing we can count on in life is loss. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. Why are we so ill-prepared to deal with loss? We spend our entire lives learning how to acquire things, yet no training on what to do when we lose them. Loss is negatively cumulative. Time does not heal all wounds. Each loss we have experienced in life needs to be brought to the surface and processed.

These skills need to be taught in schools across the country as they will help prepare children for life. I find adults I work with are shocked that someone they loved has died. Yet death is certain. Society has taught us to ignore the inevitable.

It’s time to talk about death and suicide. None of us can do life alone.

Contact the Grief Recovery Institute in Sherman Oaks. You will be referred to a grief recovery specialist in your area.

Blessings.

Kristi Hugstad