BLOG: The "F" words

The "F" words.

Have  I got your attention? I hope so, but I don't mean THOSE "F" words.

What I'm referring to are the other "F" words: FEELINGS. The way many people avoid speaking feeling words, though, you'd think they were truly "F" words. Feelings are any words that describe what you are emotionally feeling – happy, sad, mad, afraid, disappointed, lonely, and about 40 more.

"I feel like you're an idiot," or, "I feel that my boss is unfair," are not feeling statements; they are thoughts or opinions. For some reason, people seem to think that if they couch an opinion or thought as a feeling, it somehow gives that thought or opinion more weight or importance. Not true. It actually diminishes the power of that thought or opinion.

Feelings are very important to us. They tell us what is good for us and what is not. They add depth to our intimate relationships and are valuable in helping us make informed decisions about our lives. We can express feelings many different ways, and we can act out feelings, but we can only resolve and heal feelings once we have identified what they really are.

Remember when you were a child and your parents would offer you ice cream or a cookie when you were sad or hurt? Although well-intentioned, that sent the message that negative feelings were "bad," and you needed to get over them quickly. Besides that, it didn't really work, as evidenced by many emotional eaters who try to eat their pain away.

If your parents would have acknowledged and labeled the feeling you were having, reassured you that the feeling was normal and would diminish in time, and offered to sit with you or leave you alone while going through it – whichever you preferred – you would have learned that you could get through the feeling and be stronger for it.

We can't get over, go around or under a feeling. We have to go through it to resolve it or heal it.

Picture a figure 8, and fill out the bottom of the 8 with your feelings, and the top part with healing. If you are feeling sad and allow yourself to feel the sadness, it will bottom out all on its own (like the bottom curve of the 8) and that's how much healing will take place (the top curve of the 8.)  If you cut off the feeling, you cut off the healing. The benefits of healing are many: maturity, empathy, spirituality and much more.

So the next time you find yourself saying, "I feel like," or, "I feel that," stop yourself and follow the word "feel" with an authentic feeling word. Or label your statement accurately as a thought or opinion. You will find your intimate relationships improving, and, most of all, your relationship with yourself.

P.S.: This is addressing personal lives only; it's not usually wise to tell your boss or work mates what you are feeling. (They probably really don't care.)