En·nui [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee]
— noun
1. A feeling of listlessness and general dissatisfaction resulting from lack of activity or excitement.
2. A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.
Summer is just around the corner, and once again I am back to my proverbial "square one." Feeling rejected (again) and reeling (again) from the loss of both a lover and a job. Ennui is never palatable to me, even in small doses, because at some point I begin to wonder "what the H am I doing here in Santa Cruz?!"This time, however, I have come to the realization that I was drawn to Santa Cruz for the same reason other people are drawn here -- for healing in some form or another. For some, the healing takes form as an exotic vacation destination, an escape from some suburban land-locked lifestyle. (Yes, Fresno, I'm talking about you!) For others, it's simply the last stop on the Amtrack bus line that dead-ends onto downtown Pacific Avenue. (Yes, panhandlers, runaways, and white disenfranchised (?) teenagers, I'm talking about you!) And then there are those who live here because they are inspired to provide healing services, catch that perfect wave, or indulge in continual artistic expression.
Ennui. Cole Porter romanticized it (I Get a Kick Out of You), and Jimmy Buffet turned it into an quasi-anthem (Margaritaville). Even so, Jimmy was able to allude to having some kind of purpose, even if it was just to look for that "lost shaker of salt."
As much as I would like to emulate that Margaritaville lifestyle (and then some!), I confess that having a purpose is a required element for my best life. Hence, my search for:
Se·ren·i·ty [suh-ren-i-tee]
— noun, plural se·ren·i·ties
1. The state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.
2. (Usually initial capital letter) a title of honor, respect, or reverence, used in speaking of or to certain members of royalty (usually preceded by his, your, etc.).
I may not know a cure for the dreaded ennui, but I do believe the secret to healing and finding serenity is to be in service to others. Ennui = gone! Purpose = done!
In my time here in Da Cruz, I've been a CASA, an animal care docent at Wilder State Park, and a staff member at the annual Santa Cruz Film Festival. They've all been wonderful and karmically-blessed assignments, and I recommend them highly to anyone reading this.
What happens next? I sign up to be a foster mom (via the SPCA) to a mom cat and her five monst...er, I mean kittens. Shoulda figured that this is what would happen when I stopped hitting the snooze button on my biological clock.
Stay tuned.
