Lake Elsinore Declares Public Safety Crisis Over Poppy Crowds

Lake Elsinore Declares Public Safety Crisis After Poppy Apocalypse: The fields surrounding the California city of Lake Elsinore have been so abundant with strikingly colored poppies this year - drawing so many people that the city has been forced to declare a public safety crisis, with city officials claiming that "our city is simply not made for Disneyland-size crowds.” Not made for Disneyland-size crowds? Hell, then just charge everyone “Disneyland-sized” admission prices and - voilà, your problem is solved.

Killer Whales Spotted off Chile Likely to Be a New Species: Marine scientists report they have encountered killer whales off the coast of southern Chile which they believe may be an entirely new species of orca that they have labeled “Type D.” Well, maybe they’re a new species - and maybe they’re not. Let’s remember, everything in science isn’t just black and white. One thing's for sure, they better not tell Sea World, or the next thing you know, someone will be handing these orcas their SAG cards.

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Woman Doesn’t Want Her $273M Lottery Winner Ex Back: The ex-wife of the unemployed New Jersey man who just won a $273 million Mega Millions jackpot, told the New York Post she has morals and has zero plans to return to her husband, to whom she was married and supported for 15 years and continues to pay spousal support after their divorce last October. Well, even if she doesn’t want him back, I don’t think he’ll be too lonely. I’m sure it’ll be just a matter of time before he’s contacted by one of the Kardashians.

Detroit Bound Greyhound Bus Strikes Tree and Rolls Over: It’s being reported that an overnight Greyhound bus - traveling from Cincinnati to Detroit went off the road, struck a tree and then rolled over into a field - yet luckily, no one was killed or seriously injured. OK, but let’s be honest here folks - if you ever find yourself taking a Greyhound Bus from Cincinnati to Detroit in the middle of the night, isn’t your life pretty much over anyway?

FDA Approves Novel Treatment for Depression’s Hardest Cases: The Food and Drug Administration has just approved a novel nasal spray antidepressant for people with depression that does not respond to other treatments. Terrific - in that case, perhaps I'd better send my accountant about a case of the stuff.

Climate Change Could Zap the Clouds and Bake the Earth: A new study suggests that many of the world's clouds could disappear if the carbon dioxide we are pumping into our atmosphere soars to extreme levels, which would bake the earth with a spike in global temperatures by as much as 14 degrees. Meanwhile, a Trump administration spokesperson countered that even if we did end up “baking” the earth, it’s still gonna be way healthier than frying it.

Astronomers Believe They’ve Found Our Sun’s Sister Star: University of Texas astronomers report that a star has been found which may be a sister of our Sun, born in the same cloud of gas and dust in our Milky Way galaxy. Of course, the only way we can know for sure - is to have them both face-off on the Maurey Povich Show.

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Research Blames YouTube for Rise in Flat Earth Believers: In a study conducted by Professor Asheley Landrum at Texas Tech University, all but one of 30 Flat Earthers she interviewed said they never considered the Earth to be flat until watching videos promoting the idea on YouTube. Personally, I don’t blame YouTube for creating these flat earthers. I blame their flat heads.

Many Food Establishments Don’t Want Trump Endorsement: A recent report in the Washington Post found that presidential endorsements of things such as food items no longer carry the prestige they once had as many establishments don’t wish to be associated with the Trump presidency. On the other hand, unless they’re serving things like burnt meat with ketchup and mustard slopped all over them, I would assume most restaurants have very little to worry about.