Layoff Announced at 99 Cents Only Stores: Discount 99 Cents Only Stores has announced they will be laying off 160 workers in order to streamline costs and stay competitive. Smart move when you think about it. Hell, now the only place those people will be able to afford to shop is a 99 Cents Only Store.
Life Magazine with Beatles Cover Returned 50 years Overdue: An Ohio library says a 1968 copy of Life magazine with the Beatles on the cover has been returned by a borrower apologized for stealing it as a “kid” and sent $100 to cover late fees. That was nice of him to return it. After all, most people would have just “Let it Be.” Guess he must have finally realized that “boy, you’re gonna carry that weight, carry that weight - for a long time.”
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China Including More Women in Their Astronaut Program: Fans of social equality are praising China’s move to include more females in their space program, including 33-year-old Chinese military pilot Liu Yang who became the country’s first woman in space. Interesting, because I always suspected my ex-girlfriend secretly wanted to be an astronaut too. Hell, she was always talking about “I need my space.”
Poll Finds Southerners Less Likely to Visit Dentist: According to a new Gallup poll, residents of Southern states are much less likely to visit the dentist than anywhere else in the nation. Guess that explains the "last dentist for 60 miles” highway sign I saw when I drove through Alabama last year.
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Study Finds Giving Monetary Rewards Help People Shed Pounds: Researchers at the Mayo Clinic made the recent discovery that people who received financial incentives lost significantly more weight than those who received no money at all. Unfortunately, most celebrated by spending the money on pizza and doughnuts.
Trump Arrives in Vietnam for Meeting With N. Korea: Hopes for peace are running high as US President Donald J Trump is conducting his second summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Vietnam. Now, while I have no idea whether or not this summit will bring lasting peace between the two nations, I do know one thing - old bone spurs is now gonna be claiming to be a Vietnam vet.
Dutch Seize 90K Bottles of Russian Vodka Intended for Kim Jong-un: The Dutch port of Rotterdam has seized 90,000 bottles of Russian vodka believed destined for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and his top generals. Wow, 90 thousand bottles of Russian vodka? Sounds like the Dutch are trying to send a message to Kim about the importance of drinking responsibly.
Models Are Eating Cotton Balls to Stay Thin: Eddie Murphy's model daughter Bria, has revealed to the media that some models, in an effort to stay thin, are swallowing cotton balls dipped in fruit juice - in order to make them feel full. Models eating cotton balls? Wow, then I guess that means my neighbor’s dog aspires to be a model - who knew? I guess what I find most shocking about all this is, I didn't realize that cotton even had balls.
Pat Robertson Claims Gays Want Weird Way of Doing Sex Legitimized: Pat Robertson continued his agenda of hate as he told his The 700 Club viewers that all of society is on the verge of being destroyed - all because the “gay agenda” is trying to make sure “their weird way of doing sex is legitimized.” And sadly, it appears that about the only way to prevent a bigot like him from spreading more lies, would be to travel to all the nursing homes across the country and change the channel.
Researchers Explore Photos of Einstein’s Unusual Brain: Newly released photos of Einstein's brain are helping researchers discover what physical features of his brain might have been behind his genius. Well, all I can say is, whatever the hell it was - it sure seemed to have a weird effect on his hair too.
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Jeff Bezos Hits the Town with Mystery Woman for Oscars After-Parties: Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was seen Sunday arriving at the iconic Chateau Marmont for Jay Z’s Oscar party, accompanied by an unidentified attractive woman. News agencies later identified the mystery girl as someone who is only known publicly by the name - “Alexa.” The conversation reportedly went something like this “so, nice to meet you Jeff. And what do you do for a living?”
Many Fliers Refusing to Turn Off Electronic Gadgets: A USA TODAY investigation found that gadget-dependent fliers are turning a deaf ear to flight attendants' instructions to turn off their electronic devices during takeoff and landing. Boy, that’s for sure! Hell, the guy sitting next to me even refused to turn off his electric nose-hair trimmer on a flight to Cleveland. I tried to explain to him that having long, unruly nose hair has always been fashionable in Cleveland.
